Taser Phaser

[Crow Boy]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary

submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt

pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to

allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat

to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two

triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But

then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against

a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a

batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood

moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction

of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I

was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself

a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked

thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with

tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere

to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser

that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You

will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hel_l!!! A

minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the

landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How

did they end up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

[In the Rai!]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary

submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt

pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to

allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat

to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two

triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But

then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against

a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a

batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood

moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction

of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I

was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a

tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself

a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked

thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with

tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere

to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser

that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You

will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hel_l!!! A

minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the

landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How

did they end up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl