5 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

PRICELESS HANGOVER

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the room, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" :rofl

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the

paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight

out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted he following message on our

front door....

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who

is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and

cats are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for money all the

time, and are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive

your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,

don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your

clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they

get pregnant, you can sell the children.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when

you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could

only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of

a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going

to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and

this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may

never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would

stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought

limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her

out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the

car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day.

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

COLORED PANTIES

Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some

hot pink panties on dis flight."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying

butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some bright fluorescent

orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating

butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."

"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if

dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box."

Edited January 15, 2007 by Jamesyboi

[TopChinese]

]A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day.

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

Headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Headlines read: BISHOP DIES FROM SHOCK AFTER ASS AFFAIR.

[suegha]

Nice one jamseyboy, the best yet. However, may I say that red text is really difficult to read.