6 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Jimmy was working on a high rise construction laying bricks when he accedentily knocked one off. He quickly screamed "falling brick". A lady walking below heard his cry and jumped out of the way, jimmy ran down and began to say sorry but she butted in to say "thank you so much, you saved my life" and awarded him with $50. On his way back up he thought of an idea, he went and waited for someone to cross and kicked a brick out and yelled "falling brick". This time he was rewarded $100. A guy who stuttered saw this asked if he could earn some money. He went up and kicked the brick and yelled " Fff... Fffff.... Ffffff...

f@#$in got him".

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mudpit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Instruction Labels

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:

Warning keep out of children.

ON A HAIR DRYER:

Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:

Fits one head.

ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:

Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:

Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:

Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):

Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:

Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:

Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''