Three Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his tweeds and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him;

"G'day mate, how ya going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies;

"Yeh, not too bad thanks"

After a short pause, he hears the voice again;

"So, what are you up to mate?"

Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies;

"Umm, just having a quick poo mate. How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some <deleted> next to me answering all my questions"

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's

right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good

that morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned

out, she didn't even say goodmorning, let alone any happy birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and

despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,

Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had

remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You

know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,

let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the

greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went

out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch

tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a

beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I

said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her

apartment She said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into

the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure !" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in

about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----

followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all

singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

NAKED