3 Jokes

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A drunk stumbles out of a bar late sat night. Trying to walk down the street he suddenly stumbles and in a fit of drunk like gymnastic flare he falls over.

A nun who happens to be walking past rushes to the man's aid, helping him to his knees, then to his feet. Before she can say anything, the man hits her with a mean right hook, he doesn't stop there and follows up with a left, then another right, the poor nun drops to the ground where again she is repeatedly kicked and stomped.

Finally after 5 mins the drunk runs off in the direction of the bar.

He bust's through the doors with an almighty sense of achievment, shouting at the top of his lungs,

"I'm the greatest fighter in the world."

A big guy at the bar say's, "I'm the Australian Heavyweight champion, and have a belt to prove it." "What do you have?"

The drunk looks him directly inm the eye's "Yeah, big f#cking deal," " I just kicked BATMANS ARSE!"

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *sht*?"