8 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A LIVING WILL

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were

discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartarse.

A Few Jokes

Challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Home Remedies

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of

boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost

instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply

using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a

few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a

timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you

from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then, you

will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will

forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get

MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK!

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when

you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you

Always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hel_l is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like

When I'm driving!!

Another Breakfast Joke

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother

asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a

chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the

pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother

gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my

cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs

for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week

either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway

across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother wit! h a smile, and says, "You gonna

tell him or should I?"