Best and worst practices/rules you introduced

[Bob12345]

TVF is often a sh1tshow, which i happily participate in, but regarding parenting there is actually great advice going around.

 

So to all the parents here the following question:

Which practices and rules have you started with your kids that you would recommend to others and which ones failed?

 

(Yes, i am looking for what you have done and are proud of so i can copy it)

 

I've got twin boys of 16 months old and so far we live by the following rules:

 

1. Outdoor play

We leave the house 2-3 times a day to walk the dog and they can play in the children play area. Great fun with a slide and enough space to explore. Hope to instill some outdoor mentality in them and at a later age we can do sports on the field here.

 

2. Own bedroom

I value my sleep and even though mum didnt like it we gave the kids their own (shared) bedroom. From 7 months onwards they sleep full nights and my mood is much better this way. Monitoring is done by babyphone.

 

3. No tv/phone

We don't have a tv in the room and they don't watch anything on a screen. At 16 months of age not that difficult to accomplish but we plan to only introduce maybe 15 minutes a day at age 3 or something

 

4. Child seats

They are in their own child seats in the car or we dont drive. No exceptions. This actually never gives problems as they don't know better. Still seated backwards till age 2 as recommended.

 

5. Swimming classes from age 10 months

We got a pool in the moobaan so i hope we can regularly swim there not too long from now. So we started swimming classes early and they love it.

 

6. Three languages

Often discussed here already but we plan on raising them multi-lingual. I realize this will be hard work when they start talking but i think its worth it.

 

A practice i regret:

Throwing things. Their bedroom has a soft floor and sometimes i throw things towards them. Needless to say they copy this and stuff is flying around sometimes. Very hard to make it stop at this moment.

[Samui Bodoh]

Hi Bob12345

 

I am of little help in most of your areas; I am from the school of thought that kids are best eaten and not seen.

 

That said, your point number 6 regarding three languages is an excellent one. Simply put, kids have a mind-boggling ability to learn languages at a young age, and if you get them early and properly, it lasts a life time. I grew up bilingual (English at home, French at school) and recently conducted an experiment on myself. I hadn't spoken French regularly since the late 90's when I lived in Vietnam and had a French-speaking landlord, but I have always understood French speaking tourists when I have overheard or chatted with them. I decided to watch a French-language movie and simply sat there, soaking up the dialogue with no sub-titles or any other aids. I found that, even though not speaking it regularly for 20 years or so, I caught somewhere between 90%-95% of it. I was quite pleased!

 

The true reason that I am writing this, though, is to say that you need to do some research on how to introduce, teach and most importantly, separate the three languages. I was a language teacher back in the day, and there were quite specific methodologies and techniques for using a couple of languages on young kids; doing it badly meant that the kids would often actually suffer educationally. The bad news is that I have long since forgotten any useful information or information sources, so you are on your own. The good news is that in this day and age I imagine you could simply Google the most useful techniques. Or, perhaps see if you can track down an ECE (early childhood education) expert and spend a meal or two picking their brain for tips and tricks.

 

So, this is my long-winded way of saying that you can't simply talk to the kids in the different languages; you need to have structure, order and thought put in to it.

 

Good luck!

 

[Lungstib]

When my son was growing up I spoke to him only in English, my wife only in Thai. That way he didn't learn poor pronunciation in either language. For a long time he called it "daddy speak and mummy speak". I found he couldn't speak to me in Thai, as soon as he saw my face he spoke English. My French neighbor and his Lisu wife confused their child by speaking different languages at different times. That kid was very slow to speak at all.

In our old age we have taken responsibility for my wife's nieces 7-year-old deaf girl. That leaves us needing to learn sign language. At 67 I find I'm better at parenting now than with my own kids. We cant shout at her (she's deaf), its no good slapping her (she wouldn't know why) so its all about demonstrating whats needed and patience. She has learnt to swim from me and loves it. She gets belted into the car and sits behind me on a m'bike with her helmet on. Get the habits in early. I found old fashioned book and crayons can still be useful. Drawing and colouring is fun. I would suggest eating together is still a good lesson. No TV at lunch or dinner, certainly no phones to be played with, get them comfortable with food as meals not an all day preoccupation. Look after their teeth, sucking sugar drinks are murder on front teeth. Find time to play. 

[richard_smith237]

Most of it is simply attentive and caring parenting which pretty much every parents takes care of... 

 

Good parenting is huge list, its dynamic and can never be set to a specific set or rules or guidelines...  the list below is certainly not everything...  but its some of what I have done as parent and found to be useful (my son is 4).

 

 

Car Safety: 

-      Before 3 year old – Never in Any Vehicle unless facing backwards in a Child Car Seat. 

-      After 2 years old – In a Car seat whenever possible, rare allowances made for travel within cities in an UBER (or Taxi) with a Lap Belt. 

-      After 3 year old - Never on an express way unless in a Child Car Seat.

-      Car parks etc – my Wife or I are always holding my Son’s hand in a car park or near a road.

 

General Safety: 

-      Our Son is not allowed in the Kitchen (sharp and hot things)

-      Our Son is not allowed on the Balcony (unless with Myself or my Wife)

-      The Nanny / Maid cannot take my Son on the Balcony

-      When out and about, be very careful around anything metal with nearby electricity

 

Education:

-      A good International School, or back to the UK for school (no compromise on education)

-      Learning Thai Separately (because his schooling is all in English)

-      Dad speaks only English to my Son

-      Mother speaks only Thai to my Son

-      Screen time: No TV in his my Son’s room

-      iPad: For our convenience (travelling or in a restaurant after he’s eaten etc) otherwise time is limited.

-      Tidying up: Our son has to tidy his toys away himself after playing

 

Manners: 

-      It is imperative that good manners come naturally, please, thank you (we’ve been complimented on this numerous times)

 

Discipline: 

-      Consistency, always be consistent. 

-      Always follow through on threats

-      On make reasonable threats / demands

-      Smacking a Child – its there in the ‘back pocket’… I don’t like using it, but I have. Once so far this year (a smack on the bare bottom) and it worked wonders. 

 

Independence: 

-      Our son has been in his own room from 1.5 years (this could have been done earlier) but at 1.5 years old we felt he’d had the right amount of ‘security vs indipendnce’

-      Alone time: In addition to occupying and playing with our son we also encourage our son to play on his own.

 

Confidence: 

-      we’ve allowed our son to talk and and interact with friends of ours on a regular basis developing his confidence. He comfortable with strangers we’ve introduced him to.

-      Stranger Danger: We’re under no illusions that our Son is confidence and would definitely walk off with a stranger. We don’t want to give him ‘stranger danger’ night mares, he’s too young (4 yrs) to understand a lot of the issues. Thus, unless at school or under the supervision of a trusted carer we always keep an eye on him when out.

 

In restaurants: 

-      We’ve never allowed our son to walk about, this has paid dividends in that we can now go out for dinner with our son who behaves perfectly (most of the time). 

 

Respect for others. 

-      Our son is the apple of our eye. But others may not agree, thus, it is always important that our son is of no disturbance to anyone around us – In restaurants, or on flights. 

 

Time and Place: 

-      There is a time and place where rules are made to be broken and he can simply have fun and go wild… every little boy needs to be a little boy.

 

Most Important: 

-      Happiness… see to it that our son is happy, smiles and is enjoying himself. 

 

Eating: 

-      Its difficult – even now our son doesn’t really want to eat much and its hard work. But, he will eat anything and everything (with the exception of lettuce) its just difficult to get him to eat himself which is a very slow process and requires a lot of patience. 

                      

   

[BEVUP]

Your partners must be cringing

& their families thinking what the F ( but who cares about them really )

 

I know a bloke who threw everything with thai language on it IE: DVD out the door, but he would discover thai Dvd's when he went through the folder

[Bob12345]

Some great tips already coming by, thanks a lot.

 

@Samui Bodoh i'll take another look into this. What i read mostly about is "1 parent, 1 language" which means each parents speaks their native language with the kids. In our case we converse between each other in English making it 3 languages which might make it a bit more troublesome as we switch between languages and the kids might not know when we switch. I will need to find a clear way for them to understand when we switch language.

 

@Lungstib thanks a lot, many of the things you mention we already incorporated (brushing twice a day with children toothpaste, eating healthy foods, no sugary drinks at all). And i love books, much better than TV or mobile phones. What you mention about your neighbour worries me a bit, so i will look into this again.

 

@richard_smith237 great practical rules. Your general safety rules sound a bit strict to me, but i dont know your exact living situation. I try to let them make mistakes and they fall off the couch all the time, or the stairs, or the slide... as long as its not a serious danger i try to let them learn for themselves. Our kitchen is safe, but I completely understand the balcony rules (see last weeks news of the kid of the swiss guy dying).

The tidying up part i mentioned to my wife and we will start with that from today onwards. They are a bit too young to understand it but I will be cleaning up their room with them before going to bed. 

The confidence part is great; at first i wanted people to keep their hands off my kids (they are lukkrung twins; everybody wants to touch them, hold them, or take pictures) but i now see that it can be actually good for them to learn to interact with strangers and adults. So we let it happen. At times they seem very shy, but after a little while they relax and become their old selves. I will read a bit more into this to make sure the shyness stays limited as that might hinder them later on in life (assuming it can be controlled; they might just be shy by nature).

Your restaurant rule is also great; and this is exactly one of the things i was looking for: invest a bit of effort now and get the dividends later.

 

@BEVUP As you said: i dont give an F what others think. The inlaws are actually doing great and just following our lead; no "typical Thai inlaws" who think they know better and go against the wishes of the parents. My wife is extremely "western" in her thinking, so thats no problem at all and we both completely agree on 99% (only the kids having their own room was not her wish; she wanted them in our room for as long as possible). 

[lassebasse]

We have a teenage doughter who spends to much time on the internet. I have therefore programmed our WiFi-router to look her out from the internet from 9 PM to 7 AM in the morning. When she first noticed this we told her that it was our internet provider who had some problems and she still belives this, ha ha.

 

[ancharee]

My son is 3 years old and when he speaks to my wife and her parents who have a shop it's all in Thai but when he speaks to me he automatically switches to English, also when he is in our house I ask my wife to speak only in English, he speaks very good Thai and English for a 3 year old I also speak pretty good Spanish but not sure if this would be to much for him.

[4MyEgo]

We have 4 kids, twin boys just turned 14, 8 year old daughter, and a 3 year old daughter. 

 

Moved here about 2.5 years ago and live in a village, it was part of our plan to move here from 2009 and the two girls were born overseas, the boys are from my wife's previous relationship which was not good, i.e. she left her Thai partner when the twins were just a year old, they have never known their real father, and I met them at 3 years of age.

 

The first rule as parents is, that we NEVER interfere when one parent is disciplining one of the kids, we will ALWAYS stand together, this in our opinion is very important, so the kids cannot play us, although have tried in the past, only to be served some more.

 

Internet is a privilege of our kids as they all have chores to do, i.e. as soon as they come home from school, its homework, then chores, i.e. sweeping and moping the house daily, on weekends its wash your clothes, iron your school uniforms, and the list goes on, like washing the dishes, helping mum in the kitchen, etc etc, this is so they can learn to stand on their own two feet, and when everything is done correctly they can have an hour on the internet to Facebook with friends or play some games.

 

I remember one of them starting to argue with their mum about it not being fair because their friends don't have such restrictions or chores to do at home, with my swift intervention being, that's ok, did you want to move in with your friend and his family, maybe you won't have your own room with air conditioning, but then again his mum might be a better cook than your mum, I suppose you could have all the internet you want if your living at your friends, with his reply being, no Pappa, they have a very small house with no air conditioning and he tells me he is always hungry, even taking food from me at school, oh, ok then, so you haven't got it that bad here then, do you.

 

Sometimes you have to hit them in the eyes for them to see exactly what they have, I always add, when you are at work in the future you won't be on the internet because you will be busy working, with a bosses on your back, always telling you what to do, sort of like at home, but if they don't like what you are doing they will tell you to go elsewhere, so take pride in what you do, no short cuts and always look at improving on what you are doing to make things easier on yourself instead of trying to take short cuts that will create more work for you as it won't be done correctly.

 

The wife does take to them with a stick when pushed to her limits, I do not intervene, but ask her if she can find something for me when I know they have had enough, discipline can be cruel at times, but without it, the kids will turn out to be absolute pains in the a.. in our opinion.

 

No soft drinks in our house, occasional snacks after school to give them that little lift.

 

No mobiles out of the house and handed back after they have their hour on the internet.

 

The biggest problem is that the kids will pick up on what you do and mimic you, the youngest has picked up the middle finger/s and the f u vocabulary although she doesn't really know what they mean, although does know its rude and not to do it, she probably picked it up when mum and dad were playing as they always do in front of the kids and one of us put up our middle fingers and looked at each other and said f u, and watching her do it is absolutely hilarious, i.e. you might be sitting at Swensen's having ice cream and one of the siblings takes a scoop of her ice cream with her response being f u and putting up her middle fingers while we slowly slide down our seats as to hide, we want to break her habit, bit she is so cute when she fires up..lol, no doubt it will come back to haunt us as she starts pre-school on Tuesday.

 

Language other than f u is English with Dad & Thai with mum, she has no problem communicating with either of us, and if that fails, she can always do sign language...lol

 

We also keep the kids in, i.e. especially the boys, as we don't want them mixing with the wrong village crowd/soft gangs, kids as young as 9 drinking and riding bikes.

 

We always go out on the weekends and go away during school holidays, as being a family unit is very important, and they feel secure and belong.

 

Anyways enough said, just remember, there is no manual on how to raise your kids, just be their teacher and guide them, and if you have to crack the whip at times, go for it, have to be cruel to be kind as the saying goes.  

[Old York]

Languages are not a problem if the adults consistently uses their native language. In our case I use English as my Thai is basic, and my wife uses Thai and Akha, as does the servant.  They have grown up tri-lingual plus som kham meung (Lao). The kids were first sent to an excellent Thai kindergarten in Chiang Mai for three years then to international schools. Since international and Thai schools holidays do not coincide I sent them at the ages of about 12 to a large Thai government school in Chiang Rai for two plus months during the long holiday. Total immersion in Thai worked wonders for their written Thai. The school was very supportive and benefited by winning the provincial English language  competion because my daughter, fluent in English, was on the team. The only expense was uniforms and we gave a small donation when they left.

Our son was introduced to Lego at an early age, which he loved, and was doing 12+ models at the age of 8. It also taught him how to follow an instruction manual. When he was 15 we sent him, again in the school holidays, to our local car mechanic to get his hands dirty stripping engines and gearboxes etc: and to learn how machinery works. he also integrated with the local lads at the workshop. Valuable lessons. A year later I had him build his own gaming computer from scratch, I just bought the parts he requested. I will never forget his expression when he switched it on and it worked. Watching him I also learned how to diagnose faults and fix computers.

As for discipline set the rules, give plenty of freedom but when they get really out of line like throwing stuff around in a temper, then one wallop on the backside immediately does the trick. Very seldom and reluctently applied.

 

 

[Bob12345]

@4MyEgo i like your approach on house chores; in my view its good to teach them how to be independent and at the same time teach them they have responsibilities which they can plan themselves (also part of being independent). I guess i will need to think about that more when they reach an age they can actually do something, and then it will be important to find a balance between having enough chores to teach them something but not taking away all their free time in which they can play, read, and do other things. Can i ask you which chores you had your kids do first and at what age?

 

While i do not agree with using corporal punishment to discipline, i do not think this is the right place to discuss this. We will be working with time-outs in this house. 

 

And great insight in not letting your kids mix with the locals. Keep them away from people having a bad influence on them and it will save you a lot of trouble. I am lucky enough we live in a closed moobaan with extremely friendly kids/people all around (more expensive houses), so that wont be a worry for me.

 

@Old York I like the immersion approach. I hope we can take the kids to my home country during holidays where everybody will be speaking Dutch with them. Someting similar will happen when they go to the grandparents from my wife's side who only speak Thai (plus a few words of English only), or to other relatives who almost all dont speak a word of English. 

 

[Rc2702]

Seems some interest and already knowledgeable persons on this thread regarding bilingual systems 1P1L but here is a link to a good site on the subject.

https://bilingualkidsrock.com/how-to-raise-a-bilingual/

 

 

[4MyEgo]

On 5/13/2018 at 2:56 PM, Bob12345 said:

@4MyEgo i like your approach on house chores; in my view its good to teach them how to be independent and at the same time teach them they have responsibilities which they can plan themselves (also part of being independent). I guess i will need to think about that more when they reach an age they can actually do something, and then it will be important to find a balance between having enough chores to teach them something but not taking away all their free time in which they can play, read, and do other things. Can i ask you which chores you had your kids do first and at what age?

 

While i do not agree with using corporal punishment to discipline, i do not think this is the right place to discuss this. We will be working with time-outs in this house. 

 

And great insight in not letting your kids mix with the locals. Keep them away from people having a bad influence on them and it will save you a lot of trouble. I am lucky enough we live in a closed moobaan with extremely friendly kids/people all around (more expensive houses), so that wont be a worry for me.

 

@Old York I like the immersion approach. I hope we can take the kids to my home country during holidays where everybody will be speaking Dutch with them. Someting similar will happen when they go to the grandparents from my wife's side who only speak Thai (plus a few words of English only), or to other relatives who almost all dont speak a word of English. 

 

Hey Bob12345 apologies for the delayed reply, but I put you aside and totally forgot you, and as I was deleting old emails, came across your questions and am now answering them.

 

We got 3 out of our 4 kids to start cleaning from about 7 years of age, their chores include: washing their own clothes, ironing their school uniforms, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, washing the dishes, sterilising the baby bottles for the milk, taking the rubbish out and general clean ups around the garden when mum needs them.

 

We also just started to allow one of the twins (14) to ride the motor scooter 125cc in the village when mum requires something from the village market or shop.

 

The kids never complain, although do advise mum when they have a lot of home work so that mum can take over their chores for that day/s, they know if they lie, they get punished, no not corporal punishment, no internet for a day up to a week and they absolutely hate not having internet, so its an effective punishment because its the only communication they have with friends, I catch them all the time flipping out of screens when they are supposed to be strictly on the internet for school homework, and joke with them, eg if I tell mum u will be in trouble so do your homework then go on to the net for other things, that way if mum finds out, you can say, but I finished my homework mum, as opposed to being banned from it for a week, it works, sometimes...lol...boys will be boys, mum is tougher than me.

 

We don't use corporal punishment, although they both received a serving a few years back when they went on the motorcycle with their cousin when they not supposed too, and when we saw them, the cousin was in warp speed, so the corporal punishment came into play, it didn't work the 1st time as they did it again the 2nd time, so it was repeated and it has now worked with the chores and they are not allowed to mix with the cousin except at any family gatherings, he is bad news, and his mother is always defending and putting him up, my wife will not try and prove her thoughts on her son as being wrong, because we know he does drugs, alcohol and rides as if he is wanting to meet the grim reaper, her son and she wants to be in denial, her problem not our, we will do what it takes to protect, educate and grow our kids, even if that means imprisoning them home with chores and school work, and if corporal punishment needs to come into play, depending on the crime, then so be it, I see nothing wrong with it, when I see the results work, although it is a fine line, but they haven't required it again, punishment by extra chores and no mobile or internet use seems to do the trick, but overall, these boys have turned around since they came to live with us, i.e. we lived overseas from when they were 3 till we returned to live, they were 11 so in those years they ran wild, with the typical Thai parents allowing them to go and do what they wanted.

 

We would see them twice a year, and we didn't take them with us because we knew we where returning, and they have a lot of family and support here, however we found out the hard way that were not being raised to a standard they should have, hence the hard line, and the results have been outstanding for us, they have excelled at school since we took them out of the public school system, if you can call it a system and have gone from marks of below 50 to the 80's, in other words, the semi private school we have put them in, make them work, as they should.

 

Apologies for the rambling on, we are not the type of parents who push our kids to get 100% in their school results, although that's what our 8 year old daughter obtained last year, we just want them to do well in everything they do, i.e. do your best, whether its sweeping or mopping, or school work, because tomorrow your boss will keep you employed if you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, hope this helps, each to their own.