Hope this is the correct place for this subject.    Maybe the title is somewhat of an oxymoron but it is what I am trying to do..

 

I am very much a novice in the field of relationships when it comes to Thai ladies.   That being said I am in a quandary as to how to proceed in my present situation.

 

I have been with my partner - she is 45 - for 7 years and I am older than her by a good few years and whilst we lived in Pattaya where she was a waitress in a restaurant along the Jomtien Beach, I could not fault the way life proceeded for us both.   She made it perfectly clear to me at the beginning that she was a 'black and white' person and she would never change and always 'tell it how it is'.   Nonetheless that did not impinge on the relationship.

 

After being together for 6 years I agreed that I would have a house built for her in her village, a decision which I now regret.

 

I regret it because since returning to the village, she has, I believe changed in that she is openly rude to me in public and doesn't seem to care who hears what she has to say.  The intimacy we once had is no longer and there is no physical contact 24/7.   I have attempted to discuss this with her, but apart from being asked why I want to cause trouble and saying that she is doing nothing wrong and that she believes the relationship to be normal as practised in daily Thai life, I failed miserably to make the point.    I must add that I cannot fault her in taking care of the house almost to the point of being obsessive and cooking meals.   I on the other hand feel that because of this, that her social security and well being are the paramount things in her life, and that whilst she says she has feelings for me, she fails to demonstrate such feelings.

 

Living in the village is not my idea of life - we do absolutely nothing - and I feel that given the circumstances above - there has to be a better option living in a city.  I have suggested we move to be in a city - here in Thailand - but am told that she cannot leave the house as there are many people wanting to break in and steal things.   

 

So I have come to the point where knowing that we only \pass this once' and life is for living, that I am seriously thinking of leaving on my own and moving on.

 

So am I at fault because I have failed to understand Thai rationality or should I read the 'writing on the wall' and move on.   It is too easy to just say 'this is too difficult' and I believe all such situations require work, but it has to be a joint effort which is not happening.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by Igetby

If i was in your shoes, i would move on.enjoy your life, its not a rehearsal .


Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

Sadly, it seems that you were used to get where she's now, a common occurrence with farang-Thai marriage, the day she started disrespecting you, this is the day your relationship with her has died and buried, time to move on, do it quietly and smartly, prepare the ground for separation, salvage what you can out of invested monies in the marriage,  move on and don't look back, you have nothing left there for you anymore...

Shes got her house, no need for you now.

2 minutes ago, baansgr said:

Shes got her house, no need for you now.

If they are married, 50% belongs to him.

Just now, Vacuum said:

If they are married, 50% belongs to him.

Yes but she isnt going to want to sell the house in her village so owning 50% is a moot point

Just now, Vacuum said:

If they are married, 50% belongs to him.

 

I think the typical Thai woman has on foot in the east and the other in the west with the middle ground east if you have the funds and can't stand it any longer its ultimatum or simply leg it ?

3 minutes ago, baansgr said:

Yes but she isnt going to want to sell the house in her village so owning 50% is a moot point

 

In a divorce she have to, whether she wants or not.

If you are very unhappy in this relationship,move on,

life's too short to spend it been miserable.

regards worgeordie

1 minute ago, Igetby said:

Well aware of the comment you made, but you have failed to comprehend the purpose of my input, in that I am questioning my thinking that I feel that I should move on.    I also must disagree with you in that in my circles females are always referred to a 'ladies'.    but thanks anyway

Oh dear.

Relationships, no matter what country you hail from can fizzle out overtime. It is not something that is only associated with Thai ladies. They are just as capable of being loving, lifetime partners as any other women. Perhaps she used you to get what she wanted,  perhaps she didn't and there was genuine love there to start with. That's a question that only she can answer, and no one else. Anyway, reading between the lines, it probably is time to cut your losses and move on. 

I've experienced this situation, and there is no easy solution, and  - to a degree - it does depend on your age and state of health. Upping sticks and moving on has as many downsides as staying, albeit with a different set of circumstances.   

 

However, if you feel emotionally cut off - her disrespect, no physical contact - this is how I would approach it, without burning all bridges:

 

1. Say you need a holiday - by yourself - perhaps to see a long-time friend in Jomtien. You're a man, you can make decisions like that.

 

2. Continue to pay her (some) allowance initially.

 

3. Pack one trolley bag, plus whatever you need, to start up elsewhere, e.g. laptop, meds, personal docs, whatever.

 

4.Go to Jomtien first, because it's a familiar place for you. Rent on a monthly basis, perhaps take out a six-month lease.

 

5. Enjoy being single again - try not to get involved in a relationship - until you get fed-up with that lifestyle. By then, you'll know what to do. Either return to the village or move elsewhere.  

 

6. Move to Chiang Mai. For a future relationship, anywhere north of Bangkok is preferable, because as a generalisation, the northern women are dependable long-term partners. CM is the most active.  

 

7. Clearly, it also depends on your financial situation. If you can afford to write off the village house, you'll save a lot of angst.

 

These steps are what I followed. I managed to unburden my life yet maintained goodwill from my departed (who found another guy to invest in more property). 

 

good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

19 minutes ago, Vacuum said:

In a divorce she have to, whether she wants or not.

OP doesnt mention being married so its her house to do with as she chooses.

1 minute ago, stephenterry said:

I've experienced this situation, and there is no easy solution, and  - to a degree - it does depend on your age and state of health. Upping sticks and moving on has as many downsides as staying, albeit with a different set of circumstances.   

 

However, if you feel emotionally cut off - her disrespect, no physical contact - this is how I would approach it, without burning all bridges:

 

1. Say you need a holiday - by yourself - perhaps to see a long-time friend in Jomtien. You're a man, you can make decisions like that.

 

2. Continue to pay her (some) allowance initially.

 

3. Pack one trolley bag, plus whatever you need, to start up elsewhere, e.g. laptop, meds, personal docs, whatever.

 

4.Go to Jomtien first, because it's a familiar place for you. Rent on a monthly basis, perhaps take out a six-month lease.

 

5. Enjoy being single again - try not to get involved in a relationship - until you get fed-up with that lifestyle. By then, you'll know what to do. Either return to the village or move elsewhere.  

 

6. Move to Chiang Mai. For a future relationship, anywhere north of Bangkok is preferable, because as a generalisation, the northern women are dependable long-term partners. CM is the most active.  

 

7. Clearly, it also depends on your financial situation. If you can afford to write off the village house, you'll save a lot of angst.

 

These steps are what I followed. I managed to unburden my life yet maintained goodwill from my departed (who found another guy to invest in more property). 

 

good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Easy Solution !!!!     move on.     Make same mistake again .

1 minute ago, stephenterry said:

I've experienced this situation, and there is no easy solution, and  - to a degree - it does depend on your age and state of health. Upping sticks and moving on has as many downsides as staying, albeit with a different set of circumstances.   

 

However, if you feel emotionally cut off - her disrespect, no physical contact - this is how I would approach it, without burning all bridges:

 

1. Say you need a holiday - by yourself - perhaps to see a long-time friend in Jomtien. You're a man, you can make decisions like that.

 

2. Continue to pay her (some) allowance initially.

 

3. Pack one trolley bag, plus whatever you need, to start up elsewhere, e.g. laptop, meds, personal docs, whatever.

 

4.Go to Jomtien first, because it's a familiar place for you. Rent on a monthly basis, perhaps take out a six-month lease.

 

5. Enjoy being single again - try not to get involved in a relationship - until you get fed-up with that lifestyle. By then, you'll know what to do. Either return to the village or move elsewhere.  

 

6. Move to Chiang Mai. For a future relationship, anywhere north of Bangkok is preferable, because as a generalisation, the northern women are dependable long-term partners. CM is the most active.  

 

7. Clearly, it also depends on your financial situation. If you can afford to write off the village house, you'll save a lot of angst.

 

These steps are what I followed. I managed to unburden my life yet maintained goodwill from my departed (who found another guy to invest in more property). 

 

good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply, it was very re-assuring.  For the record although I have used the term 'partner' we are not married although it has been discussed.   I did not use the term g/f because of our respective ages.

Troll post and reply removed

1 hour ago, Igetby said:

The intimacy we once had is no longer and there is no physical contact 24/7.   I have attempted to discuss this with her, but apart from being asked why I want to cause trouble and saying that she is doing nothing wrong and that she believes the relationship to be normal as practised in daily Thai life, I failed miserably to make the point. 

OP, considering the GF sees it as a normal relationship, that probably includes the normal practice of you having a mia noi (second wife). For a lot of Thais thats the way the relationship goes, and is considered pretty normal, almost expected.  I have met some friends and family of my wife and seen Thai relationships were the mia noi is openly accepted and discussed, almost like having a cleaning lady.

"why you want to cause trouble", let me translate, it would probably be considered normal and almost expected that, at this stage of the relationship, you get intimacy and sex elsewhere. If your GF stopped cooking, you would probably think nothing of getting take-away, its the same with sex for many Thai relationships.

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by Peterw42

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do because I have suffered some of the same problems and I'm not sure there is a definite answer. I also think that a woman changes when she returns to her home village, my wife did.  I made compromises due to kids, if you haven't got them then suiting yourself is the easy answer. Living alone is better than staying together unhappily.

Understanding Thai ladies, or for a man to understand a woman???? Since when did people in this world become so unaware of facts, and start to ask totally impossible questions?

Assuming, you have been residing on Mars, looking in a horoscope at the population on Venus.

 

However the answer to your question is simple: There is no living or buried man in universe that have been able to understand a woman since the human existance begun.

Regarding you relationship or marriage. It seems to be dead after you gave her what she was looking for. That is unfortunately very common, as well as it also can work out very good for some many relationships. That´s one of the things that makes Thailand so amazing and exiting. My advice is to run as far as you can, and never ever look back again. I know you have a house that you invested in, but it´s just not worth it. I am talking out of experience, due to that I´ve personally walk straight out of a house, car and former girlfriend. It was worth it!

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by Get Real

After being together for 6 years I agreed that I would have a house built for her in her village, a decision which I now regret.

 

I regret it because since returning to the village, she has, I believe changed in that she is openly rude to me in public and doesn't seem to care who hears what she has to say.  The intimacy we once had is no longer and there is no physical contact 24/7.

 

You built a house for her, not for both of you, was your first mistake. Would a woman be rude to a Thai guy, he'd use physical power to make her understand that she's not the boss. That she disrespects you, says a lot. I'd even go that far that she's never loved you.

 

Considering that she doesn't even have sex with you anymore makes it easy. Do some legwork and leave the pitch now. There's no reason to wait for a change.

 

  But please stop giving her money. If she contacts you again, change your phone number and never let her know where you'll be staying.

 

   Life's too short to be the tool of a fool. 

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by jenny2017

44 minutes ago, jenny2017 said:

You built a house for her, not for both of you, was your first mistake. Would a woman be rude to a Thai guy, he'd use physical power to make her understand that she's not the boss. That she disrespects you, says a lot. I'd even go that far that she's never loved you.

Agreed, a Thai guy would either give her a good hiding or leave if she badmouthed him in public (maybe both).

It's a sad fact that women don't love or respect nice guys AWALT. 

No sex for you = no money for her.

 

Carrot and stick

Women all over the world are basically shagging men for a house.

Once you buy them the house outright, the sex will stop. (a big mortgage will usually keep the sex coming)

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by BritManToo

Life is too short move on!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

2 hours ago, Igetby said:

So am I at fault because I have failed to understand Thai rationality or should I read the 'writing on the wall' and move on. 

You are at fault for failing to understand women, she only wanted the house.

No need to denigrate Thais, AWALT.

It is possible she is simply showing her true colors now that you built her dream house. Regardless, a man with high self esteem should not tolerate such behavior, on the part of his woman. She is totally out of line, and obviously has no respect for you. Time to move on. Nothing here is going to change. People only change if they want to improve. She has no reason to change. And you have no reason to put up with her nonsense. None. Get out. Get out now. Do not waste any more of your life with this woman, who is not deserving of your kindness, generosity, or attention. Cut your losses. But, do it in a smart way. If you have any joint bank accounts clean them out now, and park the money somewhere she cannot access. If you have a car in your name, take it, and tell her you are going on a vacation, or need some time apart. Carefully consider your actions, but move on. Life is too short to spend it with someone who is unworthy of you. 

 

Lastly, I have found that in many cases, older Thai women tend to be more conventional, less flexible, and more conservative. Less able to change, evolve, improve, and become better versions of themselves. I think we are talking 40 and up. Just a generalization and an observation. 

25 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Agreed, a Thai guy would either give her a good hiding or leave if she badmouthed him in public (maybe both).

It's a sad fact that women don't love or respect nice guys AWALT. 

No sex for you = no money for her.

 

Carrot and stick

Women all over the world are basically shagging men for a house.

Once you buy them the house outright, the sex will stop. (a big mortgage will usually keep the sex coming)

Once he's gone, without telling her where to, she'll soon realize what she had. I'd really take all away that I paid for to let her know how much she's hurt me. Then a new phone number and other mothers also have beautiful daughters.

 

 

 

It's sad that so many husbands still pay for sex as it was when she still "worked barbeer". Some people just don't understand that you can't buy love. 

 

  

 

  

Edited August 5, 20187 yr by jenny2017

6 minutes ago, jenny2017 said:

It's sad that so many husbands still pay for sex as it was when she still "worked barbeer".

1

A man has two choices,

1. Pay for sex with a woman.

2. Enjoy sex on your own.

 

Yeah, you might occasionally get a free one (or two), I believe marketing call that a 'loss leader', but usually, you need to pay every time.

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

A man has two choices,

1. Pay for sex with a woman.

2. Enjoy sex on your own.

 

Yeah, you might occasionally get a free one (or two), I believe marketing call that a 'loss leader', but usually, you need to pay every time.

Let's see. A house, even one in the sticks, is worth a lot of sex then. OP could sleep with countless model like girls when he wants and how long he wants them. Now he's gotta help himself. Life's strange. 

24 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

It is possible she is simply showing her true colors now that you built her dream house. Regardless, a man with high self esteem should not tolerate such behavior, on the part of his woman. She is totally out of line, and obviously has no respect for you. Time to move on. Nothing here is going to change. People only change if they want to improve. She has no reason to change. And you have no reason to put up with her nonsense. None. Get out. Get out now. Do not waste any more of your life with this woman, who is not deserving of your kindness, generosity, or attention. Cut your losses. But, do it in a smart way. If you have any joint bank accounts clean them out now, and park the money somewhere she cannot access. If you have a car in your name, take it, and tell her you are going on a vacation, or need some time apart. Carefully consider your actions, but move on. Life is too short to spend it with someone who is unworthy of you. 

 

Lastly, I have found that in many cases, older Thai women tend to be more conventional, less flexible, and more conservative. Less able to change, evolve, improve, and become better versions of themselves. I think we are talking 40 and up. Just a generalization and an observation. 

Mike, the three words seem to summarize it all. 

 

Cut your losses. OP, follow him and all will be okay, get the <deleted> out of the village and leave the bridge. 

22 minutes ago, jenny2017 said:

Once he's gone, without telling her where to, she'll soon realize what she had. I'd really take all away that I paid for to let her know how much she's hurt me. Then a new phone number and other mothers also have beautiful daughters.

 

 

 

It's sad that so many husbands still pay for sex as it was when she still "worked barbeer". Some people just don't understand that you can't buy love. 

 

  

 

  

What everybody missing is she's set up on her own turf now.....She has support + possibly one or two guys on the side now - just waiting in queue to live in that nice big modern farang built house.....

It's a lose lose for him in every respect.....Especially if he gets violent = village justice......

By her spoken words he's now the latest village joke/patsy.....

Sad but true.....

3 minutes ago, pgrahmm said:

What everybody missing is she's set up on her own turf now.....She has support + possibly one or two guys on the side now - just waiting in queue to live in that nice big modern farang built house.....

It's a lose lose for him in every respect.....Especially if he gets violent = village justice......

By her spoken words he's now the latest village joke/patsy.....

Sad but true.....

Yep, but the OP is also financing her lifestyle, another reason to leave her without notice. If my wife would disrespect me and refuse to have sex, there's no more reason to stay with her. OP< grow some balls, leave her and start over. There's enough honey out there for the money.