Worst Joke Ever 2024

[roo860]

[roo860]

[scottiejohn]

26 minutes ago, roo860 said:

What lion?

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

Woof woof

[roo860]

Did you know, people in Iran have a fear of spiders ????️ 
In Iraq no phobia. (My coat is on)

[VBF]

23 hours ago, carlyai said:

Bit ruff...'Americans, things like'. They do have a sense of humour you know.

 

They do BUT most Americans do not seem to understand satire, irony or sarcasm.

As a Brit, I like some American humour but much of it seems very obvious to me - verging on verbal "slapstick"

.

Having said that, 2 of my favourite stand-up comedians are Rich Hall and Reginald D Hunter both of whom spend a lot of time in England.

Edited August 26, 2023 by VBF

[ballpoint]

4 hours ago, jvs said:

How Brute!

et tu, JVS?

[scottiejohn]

BREXIT may have happened but English is about to become the official European language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[scottiejohn]

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed!
The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "My Lord and master is an honourable Gentleman and promises to honour your final wishes!

What are your final 3 wishes ?"

The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"

They bring him one last cigarette, he smokes it and the executioner asks him:

"Your 2nd wish ?"

American: "To drink one last shot of whisky before I die"

They bring him one shot of whisky, he drinks it and the executioner asks: "And your final wish ?"

American: "I wish I was buried near George Washington"

So he is executed an buried near Washington.

 

Then comes the Englishman's turn.
When asked about his first wish he replies: "I want to skate on that lake over there".
Executioner: "But it's not frozen."
Englishman: "No problem. We'll wait until it freezes over!"

They waited until winter came, the lake froze and the Englishman skated on it.

Executioner: "Your 2nd wish ?"
Englishman: "To swim in the lake"
Executioner: "But now it's frozen"
Englishman: "No problem. We'll just wait until it is unfrozen"

They waited until summer came, the lake unfroze and the Englishman swam in it.

Executioner: "And your final wish ?"

Englishman: "To be buried with Queen Elizabeth II when she is broken up"

Executioner: "Good she's interned in Windsor Castle."

Englishman: "No! Not her late Majesty, but the ex Cunard Liner moored in Dubai!

 

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by scottiejohn

[oxo1947]

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[scottiejohn]

Adam sneaks away from Eve to talk to God privately!

Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"
God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam:

 

"Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it."

[scottiejohn]

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison!

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The Officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"
"BS!

He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

[scottiejohn]

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
I now know I shouldn’t have bought those lumps of wood from IKEA!
 

Edited August 26, 2023 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

My family has a competition on my grumpy Granny's birthday every year on who can make her cry the most with our gifts!
This year I won with Pepper spray!

[scottiejohn]

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water!
Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

 

[scottiejohn]

I am posting this on behalf of my hospitalized friend as a warning to others!

He thought he could avoid the old "fat Butt" dangerous/comic response but failed miserably;

The wife asked.

“Does this dress make my butt look big?”

 

“On the contrary,” 

He replied suavely,

“it’s your butt that’s making the dress look big.” 

[fasteddie]

[kickstart]

And God said to Adam "I gave you both a brain and a penis, but enough blood to operate one at a time. "

[Martin71]

[roo860]

This has be proven to be a lie. The prophet, peace be upon him, tripped over a tree stump and fell into said goat.

[roo860]

Absolutely true!!!????????????

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.... The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news,  you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus"
   
"It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live."

"There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.."
   
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the sad news.
   
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as  he's never been there with her before.
   
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. 

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.  

Then he gets the full house and wins £5,000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting
£980,500.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says. "Son, I've been here  20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!"

"Lucky?" He screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Frig me!'  Says the bingo caller. 'You've  won the meat raffle as well!
 

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]