TODAYS TOP TIP;

 

Top Ten Things Not To Say At The Altar On Your Wedding Day;
10. "Wow, This is a lot more classy  my first three weddings!"
9. "Gee, you look a lot different in the daylight"
8. "Finally! A U.S. citizen?”
7. "Honey, remind me to pick up some viagra on the way to the hotel tonight.”
6. "Wait a minute. you are over eighteen right?"
5 "Thank God - no more diet and exercise for the rest of my life."
4. "You’re just gonna love life in the Commune, Honey.”
3. "1 wish my sex change surgeon could have been here.”
2. "Hey , who’s relations are those morons in the front row?”
And, the Number One Thing Not To Say At the Altar Or Your Wedding Day Is..
"I just can’t wait for Mom and Pop to move in with us!”
 

A Scotsman was on his way to hospital and asked that his sons be brought to him in case the operation went wrong.

The oldest son went in to see him and the father said:
“Son, in case I dee I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, ye know I’ve always wanted a tartan scarf”

“Ach, so be it. I’ll gi ye a tartan scarf”

 

The middle son goes to see his father, and his Father says:
“Son, I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, ye know I’ve always wanted a tartan tie”

“Ach, so be it. I’ll gi ye a tartan tie”

 

So the youngest son, who has always been a bit of a wild one, goes in to see his father.
“Son, I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, I’d like a hundred pound”

“A hundred pound ! A hundred pound ! Ach ! Your brothers only asked me for a tartan scarf and a tartan tie ! Why do ye want a hundred pound ?”

 

The son says:
“Well ye see, da, Calum got a tartan scarf, and Lachlan got a tartan tie ... and I’ve got a tart in trouble, and I need a hundred quid”

An American man went on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. While they were visiting Jerusalem, the mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, he went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for proper burial. The Consul warned that to send a body back to the US for burial was an extremely expensive business and could cost as much as $10,000. ‘In most cases,’ advised the Consul, ‘the  person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. That would only cost $300.’ 
 The man gave it some careful thought before answering: ‘I don’t mind how much it’s going to cost to send the body back home; that’s what I want to do.’ 
 The Consul remarked: ‘Considering the difference in price, you must have been extremely fond of your mother-in-law.’ 
 ‘No, it’s not that,’ said the man. ‘You see, there was a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!’ 
 

 A man went to the doctor’s for his annual physical.

He told the Scottish doctor: ‘I’m getting really forgetful. I forget where I live, I forget where I’ve parked my car, and I go into shops and can’t remember what it is that I want. And when I do get to the checkout, I find I’ve forgotten my wallet. It’s getting pretty bad. What can I do?’ 
 The doctor thought for a moment and wrote the following on a prescription pad and gave it to the patient:

‘Go Home, get your wallet and come back with this prescription and pay me in advance.’ 
 

Newspaper Headlines 

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff 

 Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One 

 Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing 

 Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 

 House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate 

 Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder 

 Explosion of Professors at Universities 

 Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 

 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

 

You always seem to have your ear to the ground. So how is life in the gutter? 
 

Chat-up Line:-

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
 

Oldies revisited: