Friday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained two lines of "coded" message:

31ZZ0 3^07

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

Q. Why couldn't the G-unit member get on the bus?

A. He didn't have 50 cent

What is foreplay?

A: The loving before the shoving.

B: The petting before the getting.

C: The licking before the pricking.

D: The stroking before the poking.

E: The lingering and the fingering.

F: Unnecessary with barn animals.

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding.

As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."

He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, " Nah." The salesman says, " But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, " What the hel_l is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the f@#$ out."

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"