Tuesday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He

thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to

clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note

asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with

milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hel_l you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-really stink terribly."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline."

"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says..."Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke..."I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says..."I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, y oung Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.

"The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says..."Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks...They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says..."if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...

[CHdiver]

Now you must have had a bad day yesterday? You should not just write jokes, but read a little to in this forum. You will not believe me, but all your 5 tuesday jokes where at least written once here in the last weeks. I am sure you can do better