Sunday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The passing of gas

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song......

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , but deadly.

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must not forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an

attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at

the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter,

who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and

conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to

have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and

7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of

his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and

instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful

homes in California , Aspen , Colorado and Miami . There is over

twenty million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a

woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send

the bottle back!"

The Doctor's Office.........

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,

and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is

embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us

have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the

desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor

for today?"

"There's something wrong with my D***", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this

room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in

private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of

strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited

several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't p*** out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:

If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time).

Law of the Bath:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the

coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated

to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on

the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Son asked his mother: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your

friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his

father.

Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all

household appliances come in white."

[Pink Mist]

back up to speed JB