Thursday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

It's a bad day, when:

Your horn sticks on the expressway behind a visiting minister's convoy.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your four-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a pomello down the toilet.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Your car payment, house payment and girlfriend are three months overdue.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight, and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for 10 minutes... and no one has touched it.

Airline food starts to taste good.

You mother approves of the person you are dating.

You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your Mastercard.

You realise that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

Your new lover calls to tell you ``Last night was terrific!'' And you remember that you were home by yourself.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets

his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair

on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the split and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." Replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

DIAGNOSTIC COMPUTER

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts worse than anything. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it

a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do

about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot

cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar andtakes it to the drugstore.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and

avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this newtechnology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never get better.

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From a book called 'Disorder in the Court'. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. (Makes me long for lawyer jokes).

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of

something that

you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember

which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you

when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo

or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies

in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next

morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is

he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I

was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and practising law somewhere.