Making A Meaningfull Relationship

[JonnieB]

Seriously, how do you guys that have monogamous LTRs with your Thai partners keep it fresh and interesting. Especially, considering the age, social-economic, educational, and cultural differences between the typical Thai and farang. I have met several nice boys in their early 20s in Thailand, one a cabaret show performer (male dancer not TS/TV) and another now who is a waiter in Pattaya but wants to start uni at Remkhahang in Bangkok.

Both guys were clean-cut, non-smokers/drinkers and generally all around nice. We initially started the relationships on a P4P sexual basis but it segued into a few dates at movies and dinner. The sex was very good and as I have been a long-term resident of Thailand, I new these were "good boys" with no other farangs/thais lurking around in the background. However, no matter how hard I might try, I would always get bored after a few dates. You quickly run out of things to talk about and besides, there is only so much of a common interest set between a semi-educated young Thai fellow and a professionally educated Western guy.

How to you guys manage it?

PS: I am currently reading the gay short-story book set in Thailand called "If Truth Be Told" by Peter Murrell and it accurately describes many of the problems in Thai/Western relationships I have always encountered. Recommended reading.

[popshirt]

Ours is not monogamous. And for me that makes a big and positive difference.

We are respectful and honest. Also my Thai b/f of 3 years is a Chula grad and lived in the US (even if it was Texas) for a year, speaks English fluently and has a good job and will be going on for a MBA in either the US or the UK. Our vast difference in age doesn't seem to be a problem. Interesting to me, I have evolved into a kind of house-husband as his job is very demanding and often involves weekend work as well, so I handle the domestic side of the partnership and he loves that. It is a new role for me and I like it too as I don't have work responsibilities.

I have no answer to your query except that each relationship evolves in its own way.

[JonnieB]

Yes I can certainly understand how a relationship such as yours could develop. Obviously the high level of education facilitates similarities in language, interests, and outlook on life. My post was directed to the more typical (at least from what I have seen) relationship of maybe high-school educated and rural Thais and your typical middle-class Western visitor/resident.

Happy for your relationship, however, "Mr. Mom."

[FranklyNoMore]

Obviously your expectations and the guys you are choosing to date are not in sync. Havent you realised that yet?

If you want an educated bf who can stimulate you intellectually then he probably has to be older and educated. Amazing that really. My bf\'s 28 with a Masters in English. I wanted to communicate with a guy out of the bedroom and my Thai is limited. Change your expectations or the guys you choose to date!

[PeaceBlondie]

This is one time I agree with Frankly No More. The typical early 20's gay Thai boy is...a boy, emotionally and socially, in most cases. After they've worked at a non-sexual job for ten years, bought motorcycles and kept them registered, rented apartments, negotiated contracts, learned to cook, learned how to care for loved ones, etc., they might be ready for a mature, monogamous LTR. Or a non-monogamous one.

Having taught matayom 1 and 4, I don't want to spend my idle hours discussing what Toi did when he was in junior high school.

[expatwannabe]

My post was directed to the more typical (at least from what I have seen) relationship of maybe high-school educated and rural Thais and your typical middle-class Western visitor/resident.

You're assuming that a high school educated or rural Thai is going to be able to keep you - a middle class Westerner - interested. They don't have the background for that. Why would you think they would?

It's your problem, not theirs - you're fishing in the wrong stream. Quit looking for 20 y/o Pattaya boys and start meeting college grads.

Edited June 29, 2007 by expatwannabe

[peter991]

I learnt that the hard way - I could have hung on another 7 or 8 years hoping ... but I have made the change and I am very happy. Sure - the sex was great in the past - but in terms of communication out of the bedroom ... well ...

Peter

[PeaceBlondie]

Some Western professors of development say that Western men don't reach emotional and social maturity until their late 20's. I disagreed until my own kids started growing up at age 28. I see lots of young adult Thai guys who have the maturity of a 16 year old. When I was 42, my partner and I used to discuss TV commercials from the 1950's. Can your Thai partner discuss your country's national politics, or understand the dynamics of Western gay-bashing? How about a discussion on the narrow selectivity of moral issues among evangelical Protestants?

[farang prince]

Some Western professors of development say that Western men don't reach emotional and social maturity until their late 20's. I disagreed until my own kids started growing up at age 28. I see lots of young adult Thai guys who have the maturity of a 16 year old. When I was 42, my partner and I used to discuss TV commercials from the 1950's. Can your Thai partner discuss your country's national politics, or understand the dynamics of Western gay-bashing? How about a discussion on the narrow selectivity of moral issues among evangelical Protestants?

PB, my partner can...but only in Thai. That's what is missing from the discussion here. Thai people are incredibly conversant in their own language, as we are in our language. Most farang really miss out on the nuances of Thai culture when they are unable to understand the native language here.

[endure]

Some Western professors of development say that Western men don't reach emotional and social maturity until their late 20's. I disagreed until my own kids started growing up at age 28. I see lots of young adult Thai guys who have the maturity of a 16 year old. When I was 42, my partner and I used to discuss TV commercials from the 1950's. Can your Thai partner discuss your country's national politics, or understand the dynamics of Western gay-bashing? How about a discussion on the narrow selectivity of moral issues among evangelical Protestants?

When you say 'discuss' are you asking whether this partner is sufficiently intelligent to be able to discuss these things or whether he is sufficiently knowledgeable about them to discuss them? If the second it's hardly reasonable to expect someone who's never been exposed to gay-bashing or the evangelical protestants to be able to discuss them with any authority.

[ProThaiExpat]

Are we not mostly talking about ideal qualities we want in a mate. These ideal qualities are sought after in western relationships as well and are just as difficult to find. I doubt that the success rate among western gay LTRs are much different from those in Thailand involving falang/thais.

I gave up trying to find equals in relationships when I first started dating women and changed not a bit when I started dating men. There are so many qualities I want from a lover that cannot be given to me by those in my platonic relationships, so it is those qualities I look for in a LTR.

Intellectual stimulation is one of the easiest things to obtain outside a LTR without threating it, so that it is the least important quality I look for in a mate.

Equal financial earning capacity is another quality which I realized I would have great difficulty finding in a mate and those who I have met who are high earners are just not the people I want to be with, as the price they pay for their high earning capacity is something I don't want to deal with in a LTR.

I agree with PB regarding the age factor. I have always dated guys twenty to thirty years younger than myself, as I find the young body far more exciting and interesting. The great advantage to me of Asian men is that they look so much younger than their years, so it is not difficult to find a late thirties gay Thai who looks mid-twenties or younger. Thus you can have your cake (a young looking guy) and eat it too (sorry for the pun) by getting the maturity as well in the same individual.

In summary, I guess I am the antithesis of a "mirror queen" and seek out those who demonstrate qualities as unlike mine as I can. I am quite tall and my lover is quite short, I have a very large physique and my lover has a very trim gymnastic one, I am quite educated and he is not, I am relatively well to do and he is not, he is quite handsome and charming and I am not quite so, he is a social animal and I am not, etc.

It might sound crass but once we have learned who we are, it is not difficult to make a list of the qualities that you desire in a mate and a LTR and then go for it!! Luck has a lot to do with getting what you want, at least it has been for me.

Edited June 30, 2007 by ProThaiExpat