Thursday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hel_l? They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. Moreover, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - an excellent opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed

her period for 2 Months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Drugstore

and buys a pregnancy test.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says," Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You ###### her again."

The archbishop found a nice quiet place for his morning fondle and was only disturbed by the flash of a tourists camera.

I'll buy the film from you, no I'll buy the whole camera he urgently insisted.

Later on the cardinal saw the archbishop with his new camera and he asked, how much did you pay for your new camera?

A thousand pounds, the archbishop replied.

Gees someone saw you coming said the cardinal.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says,

"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I switched the heads"

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her

breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and

admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem.

My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal

with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your

infant size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the

honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they

started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and

ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long