Frog Who Says 'no'

[WillyL]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, its 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "NO." The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "NO!"

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!"

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man turned, and snarled, "Just what the hel_l are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor, and I could just see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me f***ing the guy in front of me?"

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on.

"Oh, that," he says, "That’s just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."

The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before.

She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."

The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hel_l. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!"

"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a bull in Montana."