Friday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Today Joke!

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Wrong way

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just

heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401.

Please be careful!" I'll try," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's

hundreds of them!"

shitty jokes

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Not sure if this has been posted before, funny as hel_l never the less.

1.Ghost shit

the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the

toilet.

2.Clean shit

the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing

on the toilet paper.

3.Wet shit

the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have

to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't

ruin your pants with a stain.

4.Second Wave

It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to

your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

5.Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit

the kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.

6.Richard Simmons shit

you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

7.Lincoln Log shit

the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into

little pieces with the toilet brush.

8.Gassy shit

It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.

9.Garnished shit

the shit that comes out with the indigestible mustard seeds and tomato

skins intact.

10.Corn shit

self explanatory.

11.Gee-I-wish-I-could shit shit

the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet,

cramp and fart a few times.

12.Spinal tap shit

that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you

sideways.

13.Wet cheek shit

(the power dump!)the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks

get splashed with water.

14.Liquid shit

the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the

toilet bowl.

15.Mexican food shit

it smells so bad the room must be condemned.

16.Upper class shit

the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.

17.Fisherman's bobber shit

the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting

on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf ball size

pieces are still floating at the water line.

18.Ambush shit

the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while

playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end

up with trouser chili and you walk bow- legged for the rest of the day.

19.Drunken shit

the kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most

noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

20.Champagne Shit

you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid

streams from your ass.

21.Kling-On Shit

The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge.

22.Blow Out Shit

The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl

afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.

23.Exorcist Shit

The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns

your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit)

24.Peek-A-Boo Shit

It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in,

etc.

25.Pregnancy Shit

The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze

for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing

fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, 26.Spinal Tap Shit)

27.Rabbit Shit

It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually,

you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom.

28.Alphabet Shit

It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at it

you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"

29.Feminist Shit

No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault.

30.Blowtorch Shit

Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (usually

occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food)

31.Dual Density Shit

The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the

bowl.

32.Ribbon Shit

A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but not

runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch wide piece

of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.

33.The Public Shit

Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces you

when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom.

34.Little Boy Shit

Shit powerful enough to level a small city.

35.Flood Shit

You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding your

bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a

brown,pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief

concert to help cleanup efforts)

36.Dream Shit

When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that

you'll be dreaming about.

37.Concrete Shit

This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days.

38.Surgery Shit

After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is

torn apart so badly.

Swearing

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing"

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

Joke

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses".