July 13, 200718 yr Today Joke! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart." Wrong way -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!" I'll try," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" shitty jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not sure if this has been posted before, funny as hel_l never the less. 1.Ghost shit the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet. 2.Clean shit the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. 3.Wet shit the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain. 4.Second Wave It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more. 5.Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit the kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke. 6.Richard Simmons shit you shit so much you lose 30 pounds. 7.Lincoln Log shit the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. 8.Gassy shit It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling. 9.Garnished shit the shit that comes out with the indigestible mustard seeds and tomato skins intact. 10.Corn shit self explanatory. 11.Gee-I-wish-I-could shit shit the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times. 12.Spinal tap shit that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. 13.Wet cheek shit (the power dump!)the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water. 14.Liquid shit the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl. 15.Mexican food shit it smells so bad the room must be condemned. 16.Upper class shit the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. 17.Fisherman's bobber shit the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line. 18.Ambush shit the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow- legged for the rest of the day. 19.Drunken shit the kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. 20.Champagne Shit you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid streams from your ass. 21.Kling-On Shit The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge. 22.Blow Out Shit The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks. 23.Exorcist Shit The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit) 24.Peek-A-Boo Shit It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc. 25.Pregnancy Shit The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, 26.Spinal Tap Shit) 27.Rabbit Shit It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom. 28.Alphabet Shit It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?" 29.Feminist Shit No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault. 30.Blowtorch Shit Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food) 31.Dual Density Shit The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the bowl. 32.Ribbon Shit A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color. 33.The Public Shit Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom. 34.Little Boy Shit Shit powerful enough to level a small city. 35.Flood Shit You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a brown,pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts) 36.Dream Shit When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that you'll be dreaming about. 37.Concrete Shit This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days. 38.Surgery Shit After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is torn apart so badly. Swearing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing" The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' arse it won't be Coco Pops." Joke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses".
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