Ocd Instant Parent + Thai Farm Children = ?

[vision]

Met the wife 3 years ago. We dated for 2 years and got married just about one year ago. At the begging of this year we build a house accross the street from her parents house and moved in her kids that had been living with grandma.

I will admitt to being a bit of a "neat freak" but not too bad. The 3 ( 7, 9, 13) children were raised with what my wife calls "freedom" meaning that they dont really have any rules and just do as they please at anytime. They pick up anything they like (TV remote, can of soda, tissue box) play with it resulting in ether a mess or a broken object, then abbandon it without regard. I know that some of it is kids being kids and that they were never taught any better but when I see yet another huge mess made out of what was formerly our home I tend to nag my wife then she gets upset and stops talking. Later I clean up the place and everything is better again until the next time I see a kid finish his popsicle and leave the sticky stick on the sofa, the wrapper on the front porch and a sticky blue puddle collecting ants on the floor.

Is there any hope for harmony? Do I need to lower my standards? Or has anyone been able to to re-program kids that seem to have been raised by a pack of wolves?

[Boo]

At their ages they "should" know not to leave sticky lolly sticks anywhere else but the bin but that said, I nearly choked on my drink the first time I saw hubbies neice (who was 5 at the time) throw a wrapper out of the front room window into the garden rather than walk the 10 steps to the kitchen bin.

No one batted an eyelid except me & when I raised it to hubby he was a bit surprised I had noticed but he did tell her to go pick it up & put it in the bin but grandma & great aunt just sat there looking bemused. No wonder the house was a pig stye.

Gradually after many weeks of constant vigilance the kids started being more thoughtful & use bins & have improved but they are just kids so sometimes make mess.

Only thing I can suggest is telling your wife to teach them to be more respectful of their surroundings. Does she not tell them to tidy up after themselves? Or tell them off when they make a big mess & then walk away?? If not then I think you need to have a conversation with HER about it & start the re-education there as the kids should be learning from her example & if they see her ignoring your concerns about the house then they will ignore you too. Which IMO is just disrespectful.

[vision]

Yea, I think it is just gonna be a long road marked by small milestones. My wife is clean herself but tells me "They wont listen and they always blame each other" so she regards it as a lost cause.

The bad part is that if she listens to me then she becomes the bad guy to her kids and if she doesn't then she has to listen to me complain endlessly about why our house can't just be like the place in BKK was?

[Boo]

Being a parent means that you have to be the bad guy sometimes. No one should try to be a best friend with their kids rather than teach them manners or good behaviour. Sounds like your wife has let the kids get away with things for so long (or rather granny has) that she is now unsure how to start enforcing rules but unless she & you start to get tough those kids will walk all over you both.

Maybe agree a plan, like what is acceptable & what will heed a telling off or more serious punishment.

Breaking a remote or deliberatly destroying something, for example would have gotten me a smack across the back of the legs from my mum but being messy would have meant not being able to watch tv until I cleaned up a bit.

But until your wife wants to tech them then you might as well not exist. Sounds like the kids are running the home

[vision]

Yea my mum didn't stand for us kids to get out od hand but my wife was brought up by absent parents without any rules. She however had a totally differnt situation where she had to take care of her younger siblings while mom and dad were at work all day.

I think your right though....this is only gonna get better if I can get my wife onboard and if I can't do that then I had better learn to live in a dump.

[Thaddeus]

I had it a little easier than the OP, just one step-daughter. She had, of course, been spoilt rotten by the grandparents, used to getting everything she wanted when she wanted it, no respect for any property whatsoever and a litter creating monster.

I told wifey that we needed to teach her some discipline, comment from wifey "teacher do that"

As Boo said earlier, sometimes you have to be the bad guy, but you have to make the punishment fit the crime.

If 'little girl' hit a dog with a stick, she got the stick (not hard obviously and it was more for her safety)

If she threw a tantrum for not getting what she wanted, she was sent to her room.

If she just tossed a lolly wrapper away, grab the back of the collar, marched her to it and then to the bin.

If she broke anything of value, no sweets or pocket money for a few days (length dependant on value)

I now have a daughter that tells the other kids off for littering, and she bought her own bicycle a few months ago with money from her piggy bank (a financial incentive works wonders) She is a veritable angel compared to the little devil she was four years ago.

It isn't easy and it is a long road, but it is well worth the effort.

I now have to work on wifey

//edit/removed the unfortunate quote

Edited July 14, 2007 by Thaddeus

[Nomad97]

I for one would not lower my standards and I would wage all out war on the little blighter's. Why not operate a rewards and non-rewards scheme. For example, if they keep the place clean for a week they get pocket money for buying sweets and other things. If they leave the wrappers and the sticky contents all over the place then no pocket money for the following week. If that does not work, send them back across the road to live with their grandmother! If your wife gets upset and stops talking to you when you send the kids away, tell her to pack her bags and go too. May seem a bit hard but standards are standards. Alternatively, throw your Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in the rubbish bin and live the same as they do. However, because you are older and wiser than them be sure to make the biggest mess!

Ok, my response maybe a little tongue-in-cheek but I do believe that a little discipline in the family home is very necessary for the good of all. I also think that a quick reprimand at the time of the offence is also in order. My daughter has just turned two years old and she already knows where the rubbish bin is located and what it is for. We encourage her to throw her rubbish away and she does. This morning after breakfast she threw her spoon on the floor and I said, "hmmm, hmmm!" She immediately picked up the spoon and placed it on my plate. I know your children are a little older but with perseverance, some good humour and an eagle eye I would think that you could turn the situation around in time. Good luck with your challenge.

[vision]

You guys are of course right. Just sometimes it seems like I am the only bad guy and everyone else is just easy going and seems to nevermind that the floors are dirty and there is garbage all over the yard. I just fear that these kids are growing up in modern world and unless they learn how to cope and compete in the big city and it's educational system (thier school out here really sucks) they will not be able to rise above the level they started from.

[thaihome]

Boarding School is the only sure answer.

TH

[toasted]

You simply must get your wife on side in this situation. Without her to back you up (and vice versa) the children are old enough to exploit differences between you. It might just be littering now, but it can escalate without a firm hand, and when they're young adults you've lost the chance to steer them in the right direction.

Cruel to be kind, in the right measure. (Reminds me of a song).

[sutnyod]

At their ages they "should" know not to leave sticky lolly sticks anywhere else but the bin but that said, I nearly choked on my drink the first time I saw hubbies neice (who was 5 at the time) throw a wrapper out of the front room window into the garden rather than walk the 10 steps to the kitchen bin.

Have the opposite experience. When we were newly arrived, my daughter ate peanuts from a street vendor. She carefully kept the shells with her and then asked where the next rubbish bin was so she could put in the peanut shells (she was three at that time). Everybody laughed at her until they almost fell apart! My daughter could not understand why they were laughing.

[Dr. Burrito]

Jeez, you have a handful of a situation on your hands here. You are getting them so late in life, it's tough.

The boarding school proposal is one idea. Might seem harsh, but it is their futures after all.

Moving them back in with the grandparents might be another if they cannot live under your rules. Again, might seem harsh, or might not even matter to them, hard to say.

End of the day, it's your house as well, and if they are not going to get the guidance they need from their Thai elders, you are in the unfortunate position of being their last, best hope. If, and probably only if, you can at least get your wife on-board, they might stand a chance. Also, like someone else mentioned, you have to be the badguy. You have to be willing to take the emotional knocks, and they are hard ones indeed.

If not, you might as well cut them off as much as you can as it's simply money down a blackhole. :-(

Dr. B

[joeuk1]

Teach theM good from bad - right from wrong but do it with kindness , most important dont forget to praise them when they do something good it works wonders .

Good luck

JB

[think_too_mut]

If, and probably only if, you can at least get your wife on-board, they might stand a chance.

IMO, that's all that can, if it could, be done.

Looks like the OP has been taken for a ride, drowned in total disrespect.

Sorry to hear that but I still have to see a kid upcountry that would do anything as in the original post.

My experience from seeing hundreds of kids (in our house, 5-6 parties per year with 30-40 kids attending, as a Santa at local school) I still have to see a Thai kid that is not polite and well behaved.

[PeaceBlondie]

Maybe this has been suggested already, but tell them you are going to act just the same way in Grandma's house as they have acted. Go over there, spit on the kitchen sink, break a drinking glass 'accidentally,' leave trash all over, do everything you can to irritate the pet peeves of Grandma. Watch TV on a channel they don't like, turn the volume too high, change channels in the middle of their favorite program, eat with dirty hands in the bowls they eat from. Keep saying "This is what you taught the children."

I inherited four of my own children who were raised worse than pigs. It was nearly hopeless.

Every time they refuse to clean up their mess, pick them up in a fireman's sling and deposit them on grandma's door until the next morning. Be consistent and persistent.

........However, this advice doesn't work in some families........