My Gf Has Hiv - An Update

[Aujuba]

I agree with those that say go back to Australia. You've got to move on. You sound like a great person doing so much for that girl. Sometimes things just don't work out though. Don't give up. If someone jumped off a cliff, jumping off the cliff after them wouldn't save them. There's nothing you can do for her now. Try to think more positively. This isn't the end its really the beginning for you. As for being 44 and broke, what's new? There are lots of people in your situation (add me to that!) You sound like a great guy with a lot of ability and you can write too! I'm sure you can get it all back together. You've got much more skill than I have. I should be the one who is worried about his future! Go back home for a while and take it easy. Try to figure out where you really want to be and what you really want to be doing.

[stevenjm]

Steve,

So sorry to hear how things have gone.

I will be in Phnom Penh from 31 July - 17 August and will get in touch with you then if you are still there . Is your number the same?

I think what you are seeing in Naka is the effect of the amphetamine use. Unfortunately there is nothing at all you can do until such a time as she herself decides to stop using...if she does. Also, the fact that she developed TB makes me strongly suspect that she stopped taking her HIV meds.

Not only can you not stop her from the destructive path she is on (destructive both to you and to herself) but by hanging in there you are in a sense enabling her to continue. In a case like this the person needs to hit bottom before they will realize that they need to change.

She is not going to regain her health unless she herself takes responsibility for doing so. So do not allow her to blackmail you on the TB drug thing etc.

Give her the contact info for NA in Cambodia (if they have meetings in Khmer) or else an NGO helping with addiction, and then tell her firmly that you can do nothing further for her until she gets off drugs. Then LEAVE and do not respond to any communiques from her. I can arrange to have some reliable Khmer friends (you remember the older Khmer woman who you met at my place) go see her, try to talk a bit of sense and then check up on her periodically, then I can let you know what's going on without your needing to directly be in contact with her.

Keep the land papers with you. If she continues on her present path she won't live long and you can then reclaim the land and house. From what I recall her family is poor and does not have the kind of connections it would take to make trouble.

There is a small chance that the shock of your leaving plus her illness etc will bring her to her senses and that she'll get off drugs and come around. In which case you can return and pick up the pieces. But don't count on this. It may or may not happen and is beyond your power to control.

Sounds like returning to Australia is your best option. Once there, immediately start attending Al-Anon (support group for friends and relatives of substance abusers) and work that program. It will help you get a more realistic handle on where your responsibility ends, and also a more objective take on the whole situation. I would also strongly suggest you do a course of Vipassana meditation, if you go to the website www.dhamma.org you can find the addresses and course schedules for courses in Australia. If you do these two things I can guarantee you that not only is your life not over, it is about to be better than it ever has been and you will look back on this trauma as a positive turning point.

Lastly -- stop the morphine NOW. With a history of addiction even occasional use is too risky for you and will only compound your problems. If you need something to help you sleep take Atarax 50-100 mg, it is a non-addictive mild tranquilizer. You can also take it during the day for anxiety but in that case dose of 25-50 mg and don't mix with alcohol.

Let's keep in touch

Sheryl

Hi Sheryl, great to hear from you again, the one and only true knight in shining armour in all this. I will be here but not for long so would really appreciate if we could catch up when you return, as you can probably tell by this post I have not really discussed all this with anyone at all face to face. You are correct I think - it is the ice she is smoking, she has just totally changed, you know what a quiet, innocent and greatful type of character she was, well she has just gone full circle I cannot beleive how that ice destroys a persons personality so badly, she is just not the same at all.

It would be great if somebody could talk sense to her re her health etc as she just gets angry at me and I wish her no harm because I know this is not the true naka.

btw - phone number +855 16323830 or local 016323830 I think its a new number since last we spoke as she has put about 10 phones through the shops since then.

What I really want to do is sell the house, give her half the money, go back to aus for some emotional healing time and see naka receive some drug counselling and advice as it hurts me so badly that all I have done has just been totally negated by ice and that peddling mongrel that gave it to her.

Really looking forward to seeing you sheryl even if just for bursting into tears sake while I unload on you emotionally (will try not to )

regards steve.

Btw - thanks heaps everybody else too for your feedback and confirming a few ideas I was planning on, its hard to act in a situation like this without running it by somebdy first and getting feedback.

Edited July 23, 2007 by stevenjm

[chocolatecheese]

Many good suggestion already.. I just want to wish you the best! Remember.. as long as we are still alive.. and breathing.. there are plenty of opportunities to come and there will be a chance that we use our strength to fight back all problems..

[Serendipitist]

You sound like a good guy who has been treated otherwise. However, two things came instantly to mind.

1) Are you aware of codependency disorder? Do you have a pattern of helping/rescuing people only to have it all thrown back in your face? If so then it would be a very good idea to try and get support/therapy for yourself.

2) No one chooses an addiction. The tablets you are relying on are not easily acquired for a good reason. And although you believe that you are far from addiction now, it would be quite extraordinary if you continued taking them whenever you were depressed and you eventually didn't end up with an addiction. Such an addiction will be extremely hard to quit. You have more than enough problems to deal with at present, without risking an addiction of that nature on top of everything else.

[Thumchok]

Take it on the chin mate .

About 2 1/2 years ago I was in a similar situation having a grand total of around $100 in the bank , two failed marriages where the first wife got around 70% and the second one the rest .

Friends and family supported me through this traumatic time where I couldn't see how I would pull through it all , and contemplated doing something stupid .

Now 2 1/2 years later my new wife and I have built a house , purchased a new vehicle , and 2 motorbikes , and still have money in the bank and will have paid out about 100k in debts back home . February should see me clear of all debts .

It aint impossible to bounce back , but you have to do something different to what you are doing right now .

Go back home and build equity , forget about the house , and do what has to be done to get divorced .

BTW I am now 41, so not much younger than yourself .

Cheers ,

Jim .

[Mike45]

First .....44 is NOT old.

Second ....Go back to your family.....They will understand......Wouldn't you if you were them?

Third..... Give up any hope of getting the property....It will only upset you if you do not let it go.

Best of Luck to you

[rafval]

I dont know if I agree with the advice about returning to Australia, but you certainly need to forget about her, not live in the same house and not give her money

[Sheryl]

Steve,

A few more thoughts:

From what I know of Naka I strongly suspect someone is coaching her/telling her what to say and do to get money out of you...most probably the same fellow who is supplying her with drugs. Besides the drugs, he may have some other hold over her ...e.g. she may owe him money or he may have threatened her physically. Whatever the case, it is one more argument in favor of your clearing out and severing all communication with her...because it is only when he sees that she no longer has recourse to money that this guy will stop and leave her be.

If you sell the house and give her half, you can expect that money to end up in this fellow's pocket, and the fact that she has it will just keep him around a little longer. Not saying you shouldn't do it, just something to consider.

If I understand the situation correctly, she owns the land but you have a 70 year land lease from her and ownership of the house. I'm not sure but I think this means you have the right to sell the house and the land lease (but not the land itself) on your own. Suggest you check this out. One way to do so without having to spend money on a lawyer would be to take the relevent documents to a realty company or someone involved in land speculation and tell them you want to sell, see what they say. If you can do that between now and when I arrive it will be helpful.

I doubt you'll be able to get her to agree to sell the land itself plus house and share the proceeds...her "mentor" will nix that in the hopes of getting the whole lot. He has no doubt anticipated that you will bolt sooner or later and is planning then on having house plus land to sell with you no longer on the scene to claim the house.

[junkofdavid2]

"They" will still be the same f#ckwits they always were, stuck in the same sh#thole they always have been, with the same nada $$$ prospects.........

I agree somewhat but also disagree somewhat.

They may be in a sh_t hole from our point of view, but they won't really.

Happiness is not so much dependent on whether people are rich or poor, but on whether they were able to "move up" or "move down" from where they originally started.

They may still be in a sht-hole from our point of view, but the house you "gave" them moves them up tremendously from where they once were, and they will live very happy lives laughing at you forever... (and won't give a sht either about their daughter/sister's eventual death... she already brought them the dumb farang who gave them the house anyway!)

AS I SAID, sublease the house legally to some gangster-goon or community bully for 1 baht/year (i.e. free), giving him legal right to the house. You may not have the capacity to enforce your legal right, but he has the capacity to enforce his! (In a very effective manner!)

Edited July 25, 2007 by junkofdavid2

[stevenjm]

Hi Sheryl,

You know, what you mention about perhaps there being a third party pulling the strings, thats also occured to me on several occasions also. I have put this to her a few times over the years and she has denied it but I think you have hit the nail right on the head which sort of adds the fear factor to all this as well. wish you had not mentioned it because , if correct, it confirms how stupid I have been for not following my suspicions way back. Also it was not until this prick showed his face under the guise of family friend that the problems started.

Have a few police coming out tomorrow to try and resolve this and am cutting money as of tomorrow. The comment re the goon leasing for 1 baht per year for seventy years to be honest I am so disgusted I would if I could find somebody. Any takers?

Not so sure I will return to Aus but c ertainly will be giving up the fight within next week and trying to rebuild from somewhere.

Yes, also I do have a habit of relationships where I help people and then get shit on but I did not know it was a disorder of any kind. It all started out as love and nothing more and then the ilness changed things.

thanks again

ps. think posters could also be correct of dangers of substance abuse heading my way, am giving this whole thing one week then going before its too late. I wish you had not have mentioned

[donna]

stevenjm, you sound like a decent man who has got into a terrible situation. i wish you luck with all of this, and i do agree with the majority of people who say that australia may be the best place for you in the near future. australia and asia are two different worlds, and i fear that if you stay in asia, its just too familiar to you and the old habits will remain that - habits.

your family love you unconditionally and will be there for you. im 42 and my dad asked me yesterday when i was coming back home as he isnt getting any younger! it did make me think about it.

good luck, matey. hang in there and do the right thing by YOU not by anyone else.

[Edonista]

One more sad platitude that i might add that may sound kind of harsh is 'that here in asia.....kindness can be intrepreted as a sign of weakness" and you will be taken advantage of. I can say this with 15 yrs living as a kind hearted expat. and not saying that i take my own advise either as i support many of my wife's relatives and have to constantly say 'no' or 'later' when asked for money. Your situation with drugs involved seems much more hopeless and if you value your own sanity and life, you should take others advise and 'get out of town' fast!!!.

The right sentence should be "Kindness is a sign of weakness and as such gets immediately exploited, double quick in Asia"

Edited July 25, 2007 by Edonista

[Edonista]

What I really want to do is sell the house, give her half the money, go back to aus for some emotional healing time and see naka receive some drug counselling and advice as it hurts me so badly that all I have done has just been totally negated by ice and that peddling mongrel that gave it to her.

Really looking forward to seeing you sheryl even if just for bursting into tears sake while I unload on you emotionally (will try not to )

regards steve.

Btw - thanks heaps everybody else too for your feedback and confirming a few ideas I was planning on, its hard to act in a situation like this without running it by somebdy first and getting feedback.

How can you still give a rat's ass for such a piece of junk ?

Stop giving her money and paying for her medications as well, the faster she dies the better for you.

Just out of curiousity, if you are broke and not working from where does the money you are living (and morphining ) on come from ?

[stevenjm]

What I really want to do is sell the house, give her half the money, go back to aus for some emotional healing time and see naka receive some drug counselling and advice as it hurts me so badly that all I have done has just been totally negated by ice and that peddling mongrel that gave it to her.

Really looking forward to seeing you sheryl even if just for bursting into tears sake while I unload on you emotionally (will try not to )

regards steve.

Btw - thanks heaps everybody else too for your feedback and confirming a few ideas I was planning on, its hard to act in a situation like this without running it by somebdy first and getting feedback.

How can you still give a rat's ass for such a piece of junk ?

Stop giving her money and paying for her medications as well, the faster she dies the better for you.

Just out of curiousity, if you are broke and not working from where does the money you are living (and morphining ) on come from ?

Presently from my visa card which is just about to max, was doing web development until the stress from all this made me too unreliable. Found out yesterday some terrible things I could have done through powerful people and get most of my money back but it would leave her in prison and come back to haunt my consciounse no doubt so have decided she wins, I have no spirit left to fight and am one way ticketing to aus on Tuesday.

[Luckydog]

You have to close the chapter on this terrible and tragic story.

You have done all you can and done more than most.

Get out of Cambodia, go home and sort yourself out.

Yes, you are 44 and broke. But it's better than being 60 or 70 and broke.

Go home and get the support from your family and agencies you need for your addiction and state of mind. If you are a talented web developer, you should be able to start again and make a new career for yourself - you are still comparatively young.

I really feel for you, but you must be strong - forget her and start again.

Listen to Mobi Pal. He is on the button.......I know it is easy for us to come up with all the answers, but you have to 'Bite the Bullet' my friend. In London the Cockneys say "Wipe your mouth and walk away", so you do that and as Mobi suggests START AGAIN!

God this sort of thing makes my blood boil!............

[pop_corn]

steve

I can belive there is such a man like u. I was about to cry reading your post about your gf...

u made all what is possible for her. more than hiv or tb, she is sick, but inside, her self, her soul is getting rotten. and u r getting all that badness from her, love should be give n recive, not only one way.

i really wish u the best, i hope u can make your life again, with someone who worth it.

try, look the first months and the first steps are going to be very difficult, but u can do it, just keep going be strong and dont look back.

all the best for u.

if anytime u need to talk, or a friend, u can count on me. my mail is [email protected], feel free to mail or add me to your msn.

[pattayadave]

sorry to hear about your problems steve but you really need to get out of ther and get yourself sorted out.

sorry to sound so negative but did you take an HIV test yourself

[LaReina]

Wow.. If that is not love, then tell me what it is..

There is nothing that can hurt more, than a loving a person, who is on a path of self destruct.

Your mind tells you to leave, and your heart asks you what kind of a person you are to think of leaving. What kind of a person abandons a friend let alone a lover in their hour of need?

But.. you are dealing with more than you can handle.. and in a foreign country. Elsewhere you could help.. but from where you are.. you have no choice. This chapter of your life must be closed, and you need to leave it while you can and with only the happier times and memories before her self destruction, destroys you too.

I think you are fortunate to have a friend in Sheryl, and I think you should listen to the advice who tell you to leave Cambodia.

Meth is a strong drug, and I do not care what people say, users may stop for a while, but they always go back to it. Plus users become delusional and can become violent. I have experienced this first hand.. only in may case, for fear of my safety, I had someone else snitch out the supplier which stopped the loved one.. temporarily…. ..

Good luck and take care... and you are not old at all..

[qwertz]

OP, I speak from sad experience - the worst is yet to come.

Get out now, if you haven't already

[Sheryl]

Found out yesterday some terrible things I could have done through powerful people and get most of my money back but it would leave her in prison and come back to haunt my consciounse no doubt so have decided she wins, I have no spirit left to fight and am one way ticketing to aus on Tuesday.

Steve,

Glad to hear it especially given your own developing drug problem. I hope your family will be supportive, and that you'll take my advice re both Al-Anon and Vipassana (and, if your own drug use has reached the point were you need it, NA). In Al-Anon you will learn a lot about the dynamics that lead people into helping relationships where they themselves end up hurt. And how to remain a compassionate and helping person without falling into that vicious cycle.

I arrive Monday early evening and will give you a call then.

Take care

Sheryl

[Jersey_UK]

I have no spirit left to fight and am one way ticketing to aus on Tuesday.

Doesn't matter how you got to this decision. It IS the right one.

Look forward to your first post from Oz next week...........

[TBWG]

I have no spirit left to fight and am one way ticketing to aus on Tuesday.

Doesn't matter how you got to this decision. It IS the right one.

Look forward to your first post from Oz next week...........

Hi

Good idea..

Perhaps come back and resolve the house, lease, sale, matter if it really bugs you when you have a clearer head and your ex is no longer around. Sorry to be brutal but that may not be long judging by the content of your posts.

Take care

TBWG

[joeuk1]

Land -property imho dont come into play of any decision you NEED make , you have done all that was possible for her you were a saint , NOW you wipe your mouth with the past . Go back to Australia throw yourself into a good job keep yourself busy and DONT look back . She will die you have no reason to ask or contact anyone in cambodia ITS TIME to move on . Forget about whos in the land and house you paid for if you get back to work it wont take long to get back on your feet at 44 you have your whole life ahead of you .

I am realy sorry that this has happened to you ,if you go get a job try to stay busy things will get better beleive me .

JB

[paulie2277]

have read many many times here dont put in what you cant afford to walk away from

[donna]

good luck stevenjm. i know this hasnt been easy for you, but i believe you have made the right decision.

[Pattayatony]

Just an up date. I have been in contact with steve by phone and at the moment he is having some computer problems and trying to post on TV somthing went wrong when he tried to change his email address in his control panel.

.

He is going back to Australia on Tuesday which I believe is the wright decision for him at this time.

To answer any previous questions NO he does not have HIV.

Cheers Tony

[pop_corn]

good to know he's going back, n that he is not inffected

yay!

[Pattayatony]

Just an up-date for those that are showing concern for this very kind Man.

I traveled to Phnom Penh yesterday and met up with Steve who is a bundle of nerves. I got him to the Airport where we met with Sheryl had a long talk with him and assured him that going back to Australia was the wright thing to do.

His plane departed Phnom Penh at 6.50PM and I'm hoping he is back in the safety of his parents home.

I considered it a privlige to meet Steve as he is a truly great man for what he has been through. I also had the chance to meet up with Sheryl who is a great asset to this forum and has helped many people here with her wise advice.

I'm sure we will be hearing more from Steve once he starts to get his life sorted out.

Cheers Tony

[Dakhar]

The only way through HIV, is you die.... sad, cruel & ugly, but true.

[Heng]

^

Nowadays I'd say it's "friends," "family," and of course total strangers who have these types of outdated conceptions of HIV that 'kills' HIV victims over and over long before they actually die.