Parenting Styles

[November Rain]

On another (unrelated to families) thread a member was talking about how some mothers blindly accept & excuse everything their children do, while onlookers might be quite frustrated at the child's behaviour.

I've actually experienced this, myself, on many occasions. On long-haul flights, I've been disturbed by kids running amok, while the parents completely ignore them (in one case, actually putting in earplugs & going to sleep!) I've seen children acting in ways that could be a danger to themselves or others and either the parent(s) paying them no attention whatsoever, or just smiling beatifically at them & doing nothing about the impending danger. Recently I had some property of mine destroyed wilfully by an older child. While his mother was initially very sorry, she excused his behaviour by citing his extreme sensitivity.

I tend to be the other way. I'm fairly strict with my son and constantly trying to make sure he's not bothering others or putting himself in any danger. However, I am aware that people (Thais particularly) sometimes think I don't give him enough leeway.

I'm not talking about smacking, here, BTW. I think there are plenty of ways to introduce & enforce rules of behaviour, without resorting to smacking - timeout, removal of privileges, star charts & rewards etc, etc.

So, does our parenting style cause potential problems in our children? How do you get that happy medium?

Edit - typo

Edited July 31, 2007 by November Rain

[Douggie Style]

On another (unrelated to families) thread a member was talking about how some mothers blindly accept & excuse everything their children do, while onlookers might be quite frustrated at the child's behaviour.

I've actually experienced this, myself, on many occasions. On long-haul flights, I've been disturbed by kids running amok, while the parents completely ignore them (in one case, actually putting in earplugs & going to sleep!) I've seen children acting in ways that could be a danger to themselves or others and either the parent(s) paying them no attention whatsoever, or just smiling beatifically at them & doing nothing about the impending danger. Recently I had some property of mine destroyed wilfully by an older child. While his mother was initially very sorry, she excused his behaviour by citing his extreme sensitivity.

I tend to be the other way. I'm fairly strict with my son and constantly trying to make sure he's not bothering others or putting himself in any danger. However, I am aware that people (Thais particularly) sometimes think I don't give him enough leeway.

I'm not talking about smacking, here, BTW. I think there are plenty of ways to introduce & enforce rules of behaviour, without resorting to smacking - timeout, removal of privileges, star charts & rewards etc, etc.

So, does our parenting style cause potential problems in our children? How do you get that happy medium?

Edit - typo

Sounds like you are making your child aware of how other people feel..which IMHO is a great and practically useful thing to give a child...thumbs up.

I am sure this will cause howls of protest but IMHO a parenting style fostering the childs ego and selfishness appears much more common and increasingly so.

This is much to the detriment of the child and society.

Reasons may be the death of the larger family and rise of the sole child family, higher incomes and less time [more 'things' to give in place of time], media intent on selling down, less parental holiday times and most importantly a lack of understanding and knowledge of how to appropriately parent.

Parenting is one of those things where our views and 'style' often seems to be a reaction to our own experiences rather than based on any underlying framework or theory, for example an child with over rigid parents may be an over slack adult and vice versa.

This is fine if you come from a 'good' parenting background but otherwise may just perpetuate or exaggerate any dysfunctional behaviours.

This is not to say there is a 'right' way to parent, there isn't no more than the right way to paint, however a 'good' parenting style will bring the best out of the child and certainly make them happier.

On a practical level, there is a wealth of information available covering many different styles, which when adopted consistently, without ego by either parent, IMHO leads to improved outcomes and a happier family.

As a quick final point, IMHO smacking is totally unnecessary but a life without boundaries produces unhappy brats. Kids thrive under an impartial, consistent, discipline system which must be secondary to a loving fun environment.

The system that works for us is similar to the super nanny with the naughty corner the final result. The books we read underscored a youngs childs primary drive is the desire for parental attentention and therefore the use of it as an effective discipline tool.

Many times I have walked away at the start of a full blown temper tantrum in public places, despite the crowd and absolutely filthy looks it attracted, this was done knowing it was part of a structure of good parenting applied impartially and not simply based on my particular mood at the time. It worked.

As to kids on long haul planes they just don't mix...

[canadiangirl]

I have no useful advice! I can get horses, dogs and (sometimes) cats to do my bidding, but children are a mystery to me!

However, I do have a story. My ex-boyfriend is Chinese. When we hang out together in public, he regales me with the horrible and hilarious comments that the Chinese make about misbehaving children:

Poor child! Is he an orphan? Surely he must have no parents, to behave like that!

It's like he has no upbringing at all! Tsk. Tsk.

Who are his parents? What is wrong with this child?

[markwhite]

Sounds like you are making your child aware of how other people feel..which IMHO is a great and practically useful thing to give a child...thumbs up.

There's a fine line between making a child be aware of others and making a child limit all of their actions because of the effect it might have on others. I was bought up as the latter and struggled with much of life because I didn't learn how to make my own mistakes and therefore form my own way of being.

This isn't intended as a comment on the OP's message. I wouldn't want to make a judgement based on what he's said. In fact, I wouldn't want to make a judgement at all :-)

I am sure this will cause howls of protest but IMHO a parenting style fostering the childs ego and selfishness appears much more common and increasingly so.

There are arguments that a healthy ego (not a strong, overpowering one) is more beneficial than a crippled ego. A healthy, well developed ego will not be inclined to childish selfishness. An ego which has not been encouraged to develop out of the childish, selfish phase will remain stuck there.

And of course there are arguments for other ways :-)

This is much to the detriment of the child and society.

Certainly in the west people are bought up to be more selfish individuals than in the east where they are bought up to be community minded (generalisation). And nowadays the western influence seems to be spreading and impinging on 'eastern' values like this.

Parenting is one of those things where our views and 'style' often seems to be a reaction to our own experiences rather than based on any underlying framework or theory, for example an child with over rigid parents may be an over slack adult and vice versa.

And the pendulum will swing back and forth over many generations as we (as a race) gradually understand more about life and how it works. We're just a link in the chain that leads our bloodline in that direction. We make mistakes and hopefully our children will realise that and learn from them.

On a practical level, there is a wealth of information available covering many different styles, which when adopted consistently, without ego by either parent, IMHO leads to improved outcomes and a happier family.

Agreed wholeheartedly :-) Though it is better when the style is part of the person, not just a role they play. But learning how to be a person and not play roles is not an easy thing as most of us, as you say before, are trying not to mimic or over-react to our own upbringings.

As a quick final point, IMHO smacking is totally unnecessary but a life without boundaries produces unhappy brats. Kids thrive under an impartial, consistent, discipline system which must be secondary to a loving fun environment.

I like the sentiment here, but isn't any discipline system inherently 'what I think best'? And IMHO at different stages in a child's development they need different disciplinary approaches. A mobile baby needs to be protected from things that will cause it injury when it is unable to understand the consequences of it's actions. If that approach is applied to an older child who should have learned about consequences, they will not learn how to make 'safe' mistakes. If that approach is applied to a teenager they will not learn about taking responsibility for their actions. Etc...

As to a loving and fun environment - I agree it's *vital*.

But so far I admit my thoughts are limited to my own experiences and the theories of others, and most of that based around Erikson's stages of child development. I'll start learning for real in a week or two so having the chance to hear other's points of view is real helpful to me.

[jasreeve17]

I agree with NR.

When I lived in Korea I was (at first) shocked by the parenting. For example, if a child grabbed a hot cup, or run into a coffee table, then the mother would smack the cup / coffee table and hug the child. The children didn't understand that their actions directly affect what happens, they just blammed other things / objects for the problems that they caused by themselves. Of course the children run wild in public.

Looking at teenagers and young adults in Korea the obvious problems are clearly there. Many little silly and avoidable accidents everywhere that nobody accepts blame for, and thus the situation continues.

By the time Koreans get into their thirties everything is OK, they've learnt.

Our parents taught us awareness as toddlers ,and it seems the most sensible way to avoid accidents / problems, at the same time as respecting other people. It doesn't have to limit creativity or emotional freedom or anything else.

Thailand seems to be somewhere in the middle. The children are pretty good, and the parents are pretty good too. Maybe the parents showing a tad more control at times would help social awareness.

[Austhaied]

This is my pet peeve here in LOS (although it still happens in Australia), i will not accept any of that behaviour with my 3 rugrats. It is just downright rude of the parents to let it happen. Imagine those kids when they're older, crikeys.. I really don't care what others think when i "pull them" into line. It will be for they're greater benefit in the long run. I don't have a real problem with the whole "losing face" thing..

Edited July 31, 2007 by Austhaied