Sooo Hammered

:unsure:I Was So Hammered When I Gave My Convention Speech

By John Kerry

Jesus Christ, I have such a headache. How much did I drink last night? Why didn't somebody stop me? I can't believe I got hammered the night of my big convention speech. But it wasn't bad, right? I didn't say anything really embarrassing, did I?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I talked about being a Vietnam veteran for about half an hour. I remember that part. Every time I get drunk, I brag about my tour in Vietnam. Hey, at least I didn't brag about the time I nailed Hillary, right, Steve? Heh heh.

Seriously, though...I didn't make any unrealistic promises to the American people, did I?

What's that? I said I'd cut the deficit in half in four years? Oh, come on, that's not that bad. I'm sure I explained that deficit reduction can be done, but that it will require deep spending cuts and sacrifice on the part of all Americans.

Oh...I skipped the sacrifice part? I see. And I promised a middle-class tax cut? Goddamn it. I shouldn't have had the Jim Beam. Every time I have Jim Beam, I wind up promising a middle-class tax cut. At least, I didn't say how much I'd cut them, did I? Good. I can still weasel my way out of that one.

Oh well, that's a little awkward, but at least I didn't propose any costly new programs or entitlements.

What? Oh, come on, you've got to be ###### with me. You're not ###### with me? I said that health care coverage is a right for all Americans? Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Dave, get a dictionary and look up "right." See if there's some definition of "right" that doesn't mean we actually have to give it to anyone.

I remember saying something about Iraq, what was it? I said we'd get our allies to provide troops and funding? Well, that's bullshit, why would they want to do that? They've got nothing to gain from it! If they didn't want to help Bush, why would they help me? Because I'm nicer? ###### me, why did I say that? Dave, go get a dictionary and look up "ally." As far as I'm concerned, they're not an ally unless they're already helping us, so basically that means we don't have to get anybody new on board, right?

What else did I say? I promised I'd have a Vice-President who doesn't conduct secret meetings with polluters? Shit. Marty, what time are the polluters coming over? Ten? All right, we'll just have to make sure Edwards isn't here. We'll send him out for donuts or something.

Anything else on the environmental front? Oh, no. I didn't really say that, did I? I promised to invest in alternative fuels? Dammit. I've been spending too much time listening to Al ###### Gore. Dave, get a dictionary and look up "alternative." Maybe there's a way we can have petroleum be considered an alternative fuel. Look up "invest," too. Maybe just talking about it counts as "investment." Meanwhile, I'll call up the Saudi royal family and explain everything.

Any other unrealistic promises? Yeah, I promised smaller class sizes, I remember that part. I've got that one figured out. I figure, if we make the actual classrooms physically smaller, I've kept my promise.

Well, all in all I think it wasn't that bad. It could have been a lot worse. I didn't repeat myself too much, did I?

What's that? I kept promising a "stronger America?" Oh, Jesus. Dave, get a dictionary.