Quotable Quotes

[FBN]

Perhaps a thread to pay tribute to the great minds out there (some of them admittedly not so great) that come up with these quotes that just sometimes brightens the day!

Here are some:

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your

chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot

Pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

[FBN]

Please feel free to contribute! I am collecting these...

A few more:

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hel_l

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[LeungKen]

"Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing" (Douglas Adams)

"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age" (Lucille Ball)

"Every crowd has a silver lining" (P.T.Barnum)

"The future ain't what it used to be" (Arthur c Clarke)

"Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon" (H.H. The Dalai lama)

"If your parents didn't have children, there's a good chance you won't have any" (Clarence Day)

"Beer is proof that God loves us" (Benjamin Franklin)

"Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended" (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Iam a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house" (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Rise early. Work Late. Strike Oil" (J.Paul Getty)

"A zebra cannot change it's spots" (Al Gore)

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" (Groucho Marx)

"I'm an old navy man; the bow is the rear end, isn't it ?" (Richard Nixon)

"Never eat more than you can eat" (Miss Piggy)

"When the going gets tough, you're evidently in the wrong place" (Miss Piggy)

"Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

"He who hesitates is a damned fool" (Mae West)

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her" (W.C.Fields)

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink" - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill...

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it" he replied.

"Work is the curse of the drinking class" (Oscar Wilde)

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading" (Henry Youngman)

and my favourite -

"Every minute spent angry is 60 seconds of happiness wasted" (Unknown)

[LeungKen]

DEEP DEEP SAYINGS

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Death is hereditary.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Oh Lord give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo !

[FBN]

An insomniac; just like many out there: Jack Nicholson is a jewel...

"There are a number of mechanical devices which

increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 550 SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Hockey is a sport for white men.

Basketball is a sport for black men.

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling

Me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where

he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you

Didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word

meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex.

Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

"See, the problem is that God gives men a

brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful

and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin

" Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have

no intention of getting married."

George Burns

Blessed are the cracked - for it is they who let in the light

[LeungKen]

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home" (Phyllis Diller)

"Aeroplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo" (Al Gore)

[Juzrelax]

You'll have to speak up, Im wearing a towel.

Just because I don't care, dosen't mean I don't understand.

- Homer

[FBN]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the

passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my goodness....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,

but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan "

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,

and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My word, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

[FBN]

A few more...

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Winston Churchill

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

Mae West

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Mae West

It takes two to get one in trouble.

Mae West

Sex is emotion in motion.

Mae West

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

Oscar Wilde

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they've got nothing to lose.

Robin Williams

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Robin Williams

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Groucho Marx

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

W. C. Fields

[PhilHarries]

Of computers

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Pierre Gallois

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

Stephen Hawking (1942 - )

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

Unknown

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.

Unknown

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Bradley's Bromide

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?

Clifford Stoll

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

Doug Larson

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Edward Shepherd Mead