Heaps Of Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . . .

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'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Pick up lines with come backs!

1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?

Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

2.)Male: Is this seat empty?

Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

3.)Male: Your place or mine?

Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

4.)Male: So, what do you do for a living.

Female: I'm a female impersonator.

5.)Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Female: DO NOT ENTER.

6.)Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Female: Unfertilized.

7.)Male: Your body's like a temple

Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

8.)Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Female: But would you please stay there?

9.)Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.

Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe..'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Poor Max !

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Max !'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Max !'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Max , get away from her, before she shits on you!'

[zzdocxx]

[lazeeboy]

max was great

[Momo8]

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Hey there's a Disneyland on Lantau Island in Hong Kong!

[B Fuddled]

A blonde was walking along a river bank appearing very confused. She saw an older blonde walking along on the other side of the river.

"How do I get to the other side?" she shouted.

The older blonde gave her a condescending look and shouted "DUH, you ARE on the other side"!