Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... but that's not the worst of it:

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My white walls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -- ...Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

>> >

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and everywhere that Mary went

the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...But she didn't wear that one often.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

>> >

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the

fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have u got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you <deleted>.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

and turned its wool to nylon.

>> >

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

>> >

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

to have a little fun.

Jill, the dill,

forgot her pill,

and now they have a son.

>> >

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

and planned to do some kissing

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

>> >

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"dam_n Bob you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressiveI had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.

I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two

say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied"I did what you saidBobbut I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well I was out of butter so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed. "dam_n it Jim Crisco is shortening !

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

[peter991]

Mary had a little lamb

- the Doctor was amazed - and her parents are taking her to Sex Education classes.

Peter