I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana. "He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

One of the funniest comedians of his time.

Thanks for the memories Joe - I'm still smiling......

"I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre". She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Reckon I told my Mum this one nearly 50 years ago..

An Oldie but a Goldie....

Edited December 2, 200718 yr by LeungKen

Thanks for the memories...what a guy..what a presence and such a tall man who really stood out , what with that nose

I saw him twice, once he was having a drink in a local pub, and once live in Watford.

When he was introduced he never came on stage for 10 minutes but just talked to hmself and gave that silly laugh of his...had the audience in stitches.

Died on stage.....what a way to bow out.

RIP Tommy, you were a legend

Missed out "This guy walks into a bar "Ouch that hurt"...it was a iron bar"

PS His Wife was a right cow though, she used to come into the shop I worked in as a kid throwing her name and considerable weight around to get all the staff to jump to it

Edited December 3, 200718 yr by ThaiPauly