Having Affairs Whilst You Are In Relationship

[BambinA]

No..It is not about me. I am just nosey

I have read threads from Thai Forum, Pantip.com. There is a 39 years old Thai woman, siamese girl,Nan, claims that she has an expat partner from England who has relationship with her for about 10 years. Although she does not want to have kid because she thinks it is an obstacle of having fun, her brit partner wants to have a real family from time to time.

She said she was graduated from Australia and was a new generation with funky head. Whilst her expat partner has to go abroad few times a month, she has fun with her affiars.

Well, That is her life and her choice, I can not blame her.However, I do not think it is the right way. I think it is cheating. If i had a bf, partner or hubby, I would not do like this. I think it is nasty. (and I do not want to be treated like this if my future guy does like "siamese girl")

Having relationship is to respect the other side. Seem her brit partner does not know about her secret lovers.

So, what do you guys think about this issue?

Having (an) affair(s) whilst you have relationship is right or wrong??

Edited December 11, 2007 by BambinA

[kayo]

I think it is wrong Bambina.

If a person wants to play the field, they should stay single.

If a person wants multiple affairs, they should tell the men that they stay single (but become like fuc.k friends.

If a person wants a relationship, there should be fidelity.

I am not a saint either, though I've become better (with age and my career -bartending) at telling whomeever I sleep with that I remain a bachelor.

Again, I'm not a saint, so can forgive the occasional one night fling, maybe through drunkeness, maybe because of time/distance away from eachother.

And I'd rather not know about those sorts of things, as long as the girl was not making a habit out of it.

. But for the partner to be having regular liaisons with the same man/men behind my back or is she was regularly sleeping around with any random people would be unforgiveable.

From my point of view, if I was the guy, and I found out, I'd finish it.

edit: elaboration/clarification

Edited December 11, 2007 by kayo

[kennkate]

No..It is not about me. I am just nosey

I have read threads from Thai Forum, Pantip.com. There is a 39 years old Thai women, siamese girl,Nan, claims that she has an expat partner from England who has relationship with her for about 10 years. Although she does not want to have kid because she think it is an obstacle of having fun, her brit partner wants to have a real family from time to time.

She said she was graduated from Australia and was a new generation with funky head. Whilst her expat partner has to go abroad few times a month, she has fun with her affiars.

Well, That is her life and her choice, I can not blame her.However, I do not think it is the right way. I think it is cheating. If i had a bf, partner or hubby, I would not do like this. I think it is nasty. (and I do not want to be treated like this if my future guy does like "siamese girl")

Having relationship is to respect the other side. Seem her brit partner does not know about her secret lovers.

So, what do you guys think about this issue?

Having (an) affair(s) whilst you have relationship is right or wrong??

[GuestHouse]

It all depends I think on the basis of the main relationship, and importantly informed consent.

It takes all sorts to make the world go around, I'm sure some couples are fine with both or one of them off enjoying themselves elsewhere.

However I suspect the vast majority of cases where one or both partners in a relationship are playing away from home, this is done without the knowledge of consent of the person being cheated on.

And that is where there is a clear distinction between right and wrong.

Never mind the reasons for cheating, there is no excuse for not being adult enough to be honest with your partner.

(I note here that I have posted in the past on the seemingly large numbers of foreign men married to Thai women in Thailand are playing away from home).

And then there is the observation of a friend of mine.

There is plenty enough for any man at home - Some guys just can't reach it.

The same undoubtedly goes for women.

Sorry I should add, since others have - In my own marriage - I've been fortunate to meet and marry the perfect woman for me - There simply are no other women in my life and will not be.

Edited December 11, 2007 by GuestHouse

[ade100]

It depends how much you value your current relationship. For me as a charming, witty, good looking Caucasian guy with a high salary (and who is also incredibly modest), it would be easy to have lots of GFs in LOS but I don’t. I don’t want to threaten my relationship with the woman I love.

[intumult]

I always believed having an affair to be wrong but now I am not too sure. I have always been faithful up until now but would not automatically reject an offer if it came along. I have no idea why I am now of this opinion, but that is how the land lies for me and it is not just in Thailand that I am of this new opinion.

[MeaMaximaCulpa]

To me this is a no-brainer: If you have a relationship, you don't screw around on the side. If the relationship is not good, then rather end it before you go to someone else. But that is just me, your mileage may vary on this.

[BambinA]

The reason why I make a thread here because I want to know about farangs' opinion.

"siamese girl" said her brit partner loved her loads and no cheating. She is a farang banana and she is bored sleeping with the one guy for the rest of her life. She said she loved him too, and just wanted to have fun in the bed) .

She thinks it is common in farang's society as she is a farang banana who studied abroad (as Aus)

I feel sorry about the guy who is fooled by her.

Edited December 11, 2007 by BambinA

[ade100]

The reason why I make a thread here because I want to know about farangs' opinion.

"siamese girl" said her brit partner loved her loads and no cheating. She is a farang banana and she is bored sleeping with the one guy for the rest of her life. She said she loved him too, and just wanted to have fun in the bed) .

She thinks it is common in farang's society as she is a farang banana who studied abroad (as Aus)

I feel sorry about the guy who is fooled by her.

Please be careful. There is no such thing as "Farang Society". Caucasians live in literaly hundreds of countries that all have a vast array of different cultures, languages and customs. What a Californian thinks about infidelity could be very different to what a Sicilian thinks. What a Latvian thinks may not resemble what a Greek thinks...I could go on all night with examples...

[Dakhar]

one word:

Disease

[torrenova]

So what happens if you are in a relationship with children and over time the relationship changes and you no longer feel the same way about each other ?

What happens if you are stuck in a property which you cannot sell ?

What happens if your circumstances dictate that you cannot be together ?

I like to say affairs are wrong but I cannot come down 100%. Whether I think a one person affair, such as a mia noi or a stream of one night affairs is better I don't know. I think the mia noi route is perhaps easier but not on the heart whereas one nighters are just that.

You cannot go worrying about "disease" or other crap like that, this is a moral issue. Humans are not meant to remain faithful but social conditioning over the years has bred this trait into us. Sometimes we revert to type.

[JUDAS]

This is a question of personal morals. Relationships mean different things to different people but, IMO a relationship without respect ( amongst many other things ) is meaningless. For me, sex outside of the relationship shows a total lack of respect for your partner along with a complete disregard for their feelings. I ask myself a simple question, how would I feel if my wife was sexually unfaithful to me? Doesn't really require an answer.

Torrenova made a good point concerning a change of feeling for your partner. I would have to say that if the relationship is beyond repair then it's time to go your separate ways. Obviously more complex with children involved but, even then, a divorce prior to having another partner can only help towards a reasonably amicable break.

Affairs happen for many reasons ( most beyond my understanding ) but, I cannot believe that anything good could come out of the situation if it's discovered. Even if an affair were to remain secret there must be a certain sense of guilt being carried around. Not for me!!

[kat]

You should ask her if her British boyfriend knows about her "fun" when she is out of town. If it is "fun" that is had behind his back with out telling him, then it is cheating and is wrong.

[Jeff1]

Im all for it!

[GuestHouse]

Humans are not meant to remain faithful but social conditioning over the years has bred this trait into us.

Do you have some evidence to back-up that assertion.

[onethailand]

I note that Bambina said this girl had a "partner" and a "relationship" instead of a "husband" and "marriage".

If it's a marriage and a husband, then clearly I would not agree with the woman's attitude.

If it's a relationship and a BF - then it really comes down to exactly what they agreed the relationship would be. He may want family - she clearly does not. He may have made a lot more commitment to her than she did to him.

Assuming this is the case, and the woman did not make any claims of loyalty or commitment or "faithfulness", I would think she is perfectly entitled to do what she is doing. It matters not if the relationship is new, or ten years old - what matters is what they agreed with each other (or not).

[WongKarWai]

Humans are not meant to remain faithful but social conditioning over the years has bred this trait into us.

Do you have some evidence to back-up that assertion.

you didn't study evolution in school?

i recommend a book called "the red queen" which covers the topic of sexual evolution.

(i'm not trying to condone cheating or make an ethical judgment in defense of cheating, but human beings are not wired for monogamy, that is definitely society's doing)

Edited December 11, 2007 by WongKarWai

[BambinA]

Assuming this is the case, and the woman did not make any claims of loyalty or commitment or "faithfulness", I would think she is perfectly entitled to do what she is doing. It matters not if the relationship is new, or ten years old - what matters is what they agreed with each other (or not).

Yes, you are right. Anyway, she said she lived in the same room in the flat with that brit for ages. She is so-called a wife even no marry (she said that aswell) . She may have her right to shag around. I just feel dull with her attitude.

[teacup]

If I were the guy, i don't think it's fair for me if she just hooked up with me because her boyfriend is away and she is lonely. An affair is an affair, and no, it is not ok to have an affair. Period!! Do you really want to share your woman with another man?

In my opinion, cheating on someone is one of the cruelest things you can ever do to them, no matter what reasons you are with that person.

Then again I’m a good thai girl and a one man woman.

Edited December 11, 2007 by teacup

[Mujjiman]

Males are not bred for monogomoy, spread the gene pool Like a lion in a jungle.

To raise children well its best for a mother and father so society drives us that way.

How many rich men are monogomous ?

10% OF CHILDREN BORN IN WEDLOCK IN uK ARE NOT AFTHERED BY THE HUSBAND, this was found out and will not be pushed for obvious reasons.

A lot of people stay with 1 partner for financial reasons and they are scared to start again..

In my view some women are happy being faithfull, but I dont believe men are IMHO

Different strokes for differnt folks, how many of your married freinds are jealous of you going to Los ?

Whats right for one is wrong for another, right for me I have never stayed faithfull I am incapable.. know yourself

[onethailand]

Yes, you are right. Anyway, she said she lived in the same room in the flat with that brit for ages. She is so-called a wife even no marry (she said that aswell) . She may have her right to shag around. I just feel dull with her attitude.

It occurs to me that perhaps she has genuine feelings for the guy, or perhaps even feels a bit sorry for him and doesn't want to cut him loose. Or perhaps she's just doing this because it's the best she can find on a semi-permanent basis.

I don't know that I would get too upset or disappointed with her attitude - but since I can't read Thai and I don't know all the details it would be hard to say one way or the other.

I also know men who live in semi-permanent relationships with women - and do exactly the same thing. In a way, for some of them at least, it's a way of protecting themselves, or their partners, from a fall. Sense of security perhaps, or better together than apart, whatever.

All the same, I would not want to be in her partner's shoes. When I was younger, perhaps that would've been a solution for me - but today, I would rather know everything upfront, right away, and not waste precious time trying to put the puzzle together.

[onethailand]

If I were the guy, i don't think it's fair for me if she just hooked up with me because her boyfriend is away and she is lonely. An affair is an affair, and no, it is not ok to have an affair. Period!! Do you really want to share your woman with another man?

In my opinion, cheating on someone is one of the cruelest things you can ever do to them, no matter what reasons you are with that person.

Then again I’m a good thai girl and a one man woman.

You're saying that it is not fair for a girl to date more than one man at a time, or vice versa? I look at this as being a long-term date - kind of like someone you can always count on. It doesn't mean you're cheating, because you never made any firm commitment in the first place.

If she said to him, "I won't date anyone else" or "I'll be yours forever" or something along those lines - I'd agree with you. Until such time as a commitment has been made, however, a person should be free to do as he or she pleases. It's the same as you working for your family, without any firm commitment, until one day you find a job which suits you - and then you leave. The fact that you tried a few other jobs, or part-time assignments, in between does not constitute cheating on your family unless you told them that you would only work for them.

[torrenova]

Have you ever really been in love with two people at the same time ? I have, truly and in a different world, I would have lived with both of them. I have also been in love with one woman and lived with her, being very much in love, but was also in love with another lady. I'm not sure that I could have ever resolved that situation.

[onethailand]

Have you ever really been in love with two people at the same time ? I have, truly and in a different world, I would have lived with both of them. I have also been in love with one woman and lived with her, being very much in love, but was also in love with another lady. I'm not sure that I could have ever resolved that situation.

Sadly, yes. One who I really did care for, but in her case perhaps I was like a substitute for the father who never paid any attention to her, and another who had plenty of better suitors than me as she was a former Miss Mississauga (some Canadian city which has long since faded from my memory).

And, as usual, I ended up with neither - instead having to fight to hang on to anyone who would have me... fortunately that phase of my life was a long time ago

Not sure I'd put this woman's case in that category, though I might put the man's case in my latter situation...

[Theyreallrubbish]

It depends on the nature of the relationship. If its a casual thing then no problem, just don't do anything indiscrete that would embaress the other party.

If there's any kind commitment, stated or implied, (i.e. one of you gives up accomodation to live exclusively with the other, share major purchases, have a child! etc) then you don't do it, even if you don't think the relationship will last until you die. Have the decency to let the other person know you're not committed to the relationship before you go outside it.

I would say the golden rule should apply, that don't do it to them if you be unhappy if they did it to you, but some people have way out moral structures.

There's a more serious point as well for those who think they're committed and that playing outside the relationship is harmless fun. The kind of trust that is required for a relationship to last so that you're taking care of each other when you're old and feeble is unlikely to survive the breaking of trust that an affair involves. Even if the other partner doesn't know, you do and so you know that there are lies in your relationship and so the foundation of the relationship is unlikely to be strong enough to last through to old age.

[PeaceBlondie]

BambinA, I see your responses to this problem have apparently only been answered by straight people who think in terms of straight relationships, conditioned for centuries as Westerners that one woman marries one man and they are both virgins and they have sex only to have babies (who become good Christians and repeat the cycle) and they never cheat and always go to church and pay tithes. They all come from traditional patriarchies, where the Man must know who his Sons are and not have to worry that the boys in the house were sired by another Man.

Sorry, but birth control has now made this dream world obsolete, and it seldom worked very well. Some men have always cheated on their wives, and wives have cheated, too.

On the other hand, if the Brit guy has a boyfriend or three, and his wife has a girlfriend or three, nobody gets pregnant. If they all use birth control successfully, and do hetero "cheating" then nobody gets pregnant. You see, the fact that the culture considers it as "cheating" defines it as such.

I don't cheat, but I might have several boyfriends.

[popshirt]

Yes, I think that "cheat" is the operative word here.

Anyone who thinks of extra-marital or extra-relational sexual intimacy as "cheating" should not do it.

For me, I do not think of sexual intimacy as cheating. Along with this belief, I do not allow the ugliest-of-all-emotions --JEALOUSY--to have a place in my relationship. Love is one thing, sex is another.

[OlRedEyes]

Right and wrong are subjective concepts. Trying to keep humans monogamous is like pissing into the wind. A successful relationship (over the long term) takes this into account.

[ade100]

BambinA, I see your responses to this problem have apparently only been answered by straight people who think in terms of straight relationships, conditioned for centuries as Westerners that one woman marries one man and they are both virgins and they have sex only to have babies (who become good Christians and repeat the cycle) and they never cheat and always go to church and pay tithes. They all come from traditional patriarchies, where the Man must know who his Sons are and not have to worry that the boys in the house were sired by another Man.

The only problem with this argument is that while Westerners may have all grown up in these "traditional patriarchies" and been "conditioned for centuries", they all seem to be coming to their own conclusions. There would appear to be an element of free will :-)

I know Westerners who are all for open relationships, those who think its ok for them to have as much sex as possible but want their partner to remain faithful and those who think they would kill if their partner were to be unfaithful. I also know many who love their children so much they would not want to risk causing any disruption to their stable family life.

For me it's just a question of prioratisation. My relationship with the one I love is very important to me. A quick shag with someone I don't have feelings for is fast losing its appeal as I enter my 40s.

[OlRedEyes]

Yes, I think that "cheat" is the operative word here.

Anyone who thinks of extra-marital or extra-relational sexual intimacy as "cheating" should not do it.

For me, I do not think of sexual intimacy as cheating. Along with this belief, I do not allow the ugliest-of-all-emotions --JEALOUSY--to have a place in my relationship. Love is one thing, sex is another.

Agreed. As long as both partners share and agree to this view.