What Probably Won't Happen In 2008

[Sunderland]

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Setantasports.com's JP Lonergan takes a tongue-in-cheek look at what will absolutely, without doubt, happen across the football leagues in 2008.

The early months see the appointment of a new manager for the Republic of Ireland, a goal glut for one of the Premier League's forgotten strikers and some rather interesting managerial and player switches.

January:

The year begins with Portsmouth losing a classic Premier League clash 7-4 to Reading at The Madejski Stadium with Stephen Hunt belting in four penalties and two free-kicks for Steve Coppell’s men, while David Nugent claims all Pompey’s strikes. With results beginning to go against him and the African Cup of Nations on the way, Harry Redknapp turns to Nugent for the FA Cup clash at Ipswich and his second successive four goal-salvo in the four-goal win at fortress Portman Road convinces the boss not to delve into his beloved transfer market after all.

The FA Cup also sees eight-foot tall striker Marc Nygaard oust Chelsea with QPR’s winner at Stamford Bridge and the same man shows too much skill for Arsenal in the next round as Luigi De Canio’s men win 4-3 at Loftus Road against a young Arsenal, Arsene Wenger sending out a team with an average age of 14 this time. Non-league Havant And Waterlooville see off Swansea City, and Barnsley to set up a glamour fifth round tie with Chasetown, who advanced from the third round by confusing opponents Cardiff City on the venue for the game, causing a no-show and an automatic win for Chasetown, who defeat Colchester United on the same scoreline in the fourth round.

Derby County record two league wins, Sunderland record three and Liverpool record four, while Cristiano Ronaldo maintains a 100 percent record with nine successful free-kicks from nine attempts, though Nugent’s hat-trick sees United beaten 3-2 at Old Trafford at the end of the month.

The January transfer window sees Newcastle United re-sign Michael Chopra, along with his Sunderland team-mates Paul McShane and Danny Collins, Sam Allardyce’s attempts to shore up his defence also seeing Titus Bramble come in on loan until the end of the season, despite interest from Arsenal and Inter.

Newcastle also complete a like-for-like swap deal for strikers Gabriel Agbonlahor and Mark Viduka with Aston Villa.

Derby’s hopes of survival are boosted by the additions of Shay Given, Micah Richards, Sergio Ramos, Fabio Cannavaro, Fabio Grosso, David Bentley, Tim Cahill, Barry Ferguson, Francesco Totti, Samuel Eto’o and old boy Malcom Christie.

Nicolas Anelka stays at Bolton.

Chelsea spend big, bringing in West Brom duo Paul Robinson and Kevin Phillips and West Ham’s Christian Dailly, while Rafa Benitez is given a hundred million to spend by Liverpool’s American owners and spends it wisely.

Roy Keane, after adding 12 new players [eight Irish, three from Trinidad and Tobago and former Manchester United team-mate John Curtis] re-registers himself as a player on deadline day, though says he is unlikely to play unless there is an “absolute emergency”.

League leaders Arsenal and Manchester United ignore the window, though Fergie does have to hold off a late treble bid from Walsall for Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and Rio Ferdinand. Gary Neville passes his Manchester City medical but the deal falls through when Sven Goran Eriksson quits the club to take over the vacant Scotland manager’s job, having been offered a better pay deal and a lifetime’s supply of haggis.

Meanwhile, Republic of Ireland appoint their new manager. With a succession of ambitious approaches coming to nothing and a late bid to reappoint Steve Staunton also failing, Football Association of Ireland chief executive John Delaney takes on the reins himself, appointing Ireland and Arsenal legend Eddie McGoldrick as his second in command.

In the Carling Cup semi-finals, Lee Carsley’s weaving run sets up Tony Hibbert for a volley to give Everton a 1-0 win over Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, while Jermaine Jenas’ hat-trick helps Tottenham to a 4-1 win at Arsenal. Spurs keep Arsenal out in the second leg, while Phil Neville betters Hibbert’s first-leg volley for Everton to cancel out Claude Makelele’s bicycle-kick and give The Toffees a 2-1 aggregate win and a Wembley date with Spurs.

The highlights of The African Nations Cup group stages see Sudan topping a group containing Egypt and Cameroon and free-scoring Benin batter The Ivory Coast 4-0.

February:

Roy Keane names himself in the starting line-up and as captain as Sunderland win 3-0 at Liverpool, thanks in the main to two goals from January signing John Curtis. However, a late red card for Keane spoils the game after he puts Harry Kewell on the roof of the net with a tackle. The sending-off is later rescinded. Keane, however, again sees red again for a tackle on old transfer target and match-winner Nugent against Portsmouth, Nugent also hitting Pompey’s winner against Chelsea. Manchester United and Arsenal play the worst football in the league but remain the main contenders for the title.

City great from the Maine Road days Eyal Berkovic is appointed the new Manchester City manager, but makes a poor start as Gary Neville hits a hat-trick on his Manchester United return. An FA Cup defeat to Everton and a further league defeat to Everton, City’s ninth in ten games, leaves their league form in tatters and Berkovic a worried man.

On the same day as the Manchester derby, Mohammed Sissoko hits the winner for Liverpool at Stamford Bridge, a 50-yard dipping volley that is later deemed Goal of the Season.

Fulham’s failure to ever win matches sees Jean Tigana return to the hot-seat after an 8-1 defeat at Middlesbrough. He promptly resigns though after Fulham throw away a two-goal lead late on against West Ham in his first game in charge.

Managerial merry-go-rounds have also seen a number of international changes and new England chief Fabio Capello has to re-submit his squad for the friendly with Switzerland after being told that Gigi Buffon, Andrea Pirlo, Daniel De Rossi, Mauro Camoranesi, Gianluca Zambrotta and Derby’s Fabio Grosso are all ineligible, his rethink seeing recalls for Darius Vassell and Danny Mills and the nod also going to Newcastle returnee Titus Bramble.

David Beckham earns his 110th cap in the 2-0 win, where Peter Crouch’s opener is followed by Beckham’s celebratory left-foot goal.

Under John Delaney, Ireland play Brazil off the Croke Park pitch, wonder-goals from Kevin Kilbane and John O’Shea sinking the Samba superstars, while John Toshack’s Wales employ stylish football in a 1-0 win over Norway.

A hastily-arranged friendly between Scotland and Sweden ends in a 0-0 draw, but Scots boss Sven Goran Eriksson gives a lively and captivating post-match interview.

Benin see off Namibia 5-3 in the final of The African Cup of Nations, with Sudan claiming third place.

The Champions League returns with seven of the first leg games in the last 16 ending 0-0, the sole goal being Lisandro Lopez’s own goal as Schalke beat Porto 1-0.

Chris Clark’s goal helps Aberdeen to a 1-0 aggregate win over Bayern Munich in The Uefa Cup, while Jlloyd Samuel strikes the winning penalty in a spot-kick win for Bolton over Atletico Madrid.

Spurs claim glory in The Carling Cup final as Jermain Defoe is handed a Wembley start. Didier Zokora and Paul Stalteri hit the goals as the Tottenham defence shines in a 2-0 win over Everton.

And in The FA Cup, QPR continue their giant-killing spree as Damion Stewart rifles in the winner in a 3-2 success over Liverpool at Anfield. Meanwhile, Premier League giants Spurs and Newcastle are ousted by Bristol Rovers and Bristol City respectively and Havant And Waterlooville win the non-league battle with Chasetown 1-0, when the referee’s assistant awards a wide effort as a goal in the fog.

March:

Arsene Wenger resigns as Arsenal manager.

Fulham, meanwhile, bring in Premier League serial success Les Reed as their new boss and David Healy’s goal sinks Manchester United in his first game in charge. Healy also scores in wins over Blackburn, Everton and Newcastle, and in the 3-3 draw with Derby County, though Francesco Totti of Derby takes home the match-ball in that one after a display of sheer grit is rewarded with a treble.

Manchester United’s month gets worse when they go out of The FA Cup at the hands of QPR at the quarter-final stage, Sampsa Timoska with a Ryan Giggs-esque winner as he leaves Hargreaves, Evra, Vidic and Ferdinand in his wake. In the other quarter-finals, Bristol City see off Everton, Bristol Rovers eliminate Blackburn and with David Nugent suspended, Portsmouth slip out to non-league Havant and Waterlooville, creating a refreshing semi-final line-up with no Premier League teams involved.

Nugent, however, ends the month just a goal behind Emmanuel Adebayor and Cristiano Ronaldo in the Premier League goalscoring charts as Pompey climb above Liverpool and into the league’s top four.

The Manchester United v Liverpool and Chelsea v Arsenal fixtures give nothing away.

Newcastle United’s Joey Barton is sent to jail – not for any pre-existing misdemeanours - but rather for pulling a gun from his shorts and aiming it at Birmingham City goalkeeper Maik Taylor after he saves his penalty in an otherwise very quiet 0-0 league draw. Brum respond by being the latest team to be involved in a 7-4 with Reading, winning at The Madejski but the following week sees Reading’s next fixture go 7-4 in their favour against Blackburn.

After three 0-0 draws under the caretaker management of the flamboyant Pat Rice, Arsenal poach Juande Ramos from Tottenham, who in turn poach Martin O’Neill from Aston Villa, who in turn bring in Gary Megson from Bolton. The Trotters job goes to Stan Collymore, who impresses more than Steve McClaren when interviewed at The Reebok. He is later in the week seen chasing El Hadji Diouf around the Bolton training ground in Bolton mascot gear.

Celtic grab the headlines in The Champions League, Darren O’Dea and Chris Killen securing a 2-0 win over Barcelona in Camp Nou. Porto thrash Schalke 8-0 to go through 8-1 on aggregate. Chelsea are the only English team to fail to progress, though Jon Obi Mikel’s failure to storm off in a huff when he is sent off in the defeat to Olympiacos earns him a special Fair Play award. Arsenal’s experience sees off Milan with Jens Lehmann, back in favour under Rice, coming up from his goal to head home an extra-time winner.

Carling Cup winners Tottenham are knocked out of The Uefa Cup by Aberdeen as Keane and Berbatov are quietened by The Dons’ defence and Zander Diamond’s corner flies straight in to inflict a 3-2 defeat to Spurs in Martin O‘Neill’s first game in charge. Portuguese outfit Braga end Everton’s hopes in the competition, but Bolton march on after Jlloyd Samuel proves their hero in the win over PSV Eindhoven. Helsingborgs’ Henrik Larsson scores six goals over two legs to end Rangers hopes.

And Fabio Capello leads England to a 6-0 win over France, Peter Crouch netting four of the goals as Paul Robinson pulls off several stunning saves.

2008 continues with Roy Keane continuing to show some excellent form on the playing pitch, a rather strange line-up in The FA Cup and The Uefa Cup finals, as well as dark horses Portsmouth emerging for a late Premier League title charge.

April:

Ramos’ Arsenal lose to Liverpool, but they are the only points garnered by Rafa’s Reds all month as their top four hopes evaporate and rumours of a future merger with Everton begin to surface.

Manchester United’s bland 0-0 draw at home to Arsenal is bettered by their 6-4 win at Stamford Bridge, a result that allows Portsmouth to jump above Chelsea and into third following David Nugent’s last-minute brace in a 2-1 win over Blackburn. An accidental Sulley Muntari challenge in the game leaves Robbie Savage with a damaged metatarsal after the game, but he does not complain.

In scenes reminiscent of Turin, Roy Keane inspires his team from being 2-0 down at home to Middlesbrough and they win 3-2. Keane heads in their first goal back, before Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole get the scores that ensure Sunderland are safe well before the last game of the season. Wigan keep their survival hopes alive with a 7-4 win over Reading. However, there are big relegation worries for Eyal Berkovic’s Manchester City and Sam Allaryce’s Newcastle United, who have both been stranded on 36 points for some time, a lack of wins or draws proving to be their main problem.

Fenerbahce end Manchester United’s Champions League hopes, despite a Darren Fletcher hat-trick in Turkey and Arsenal also bow out as Olympiakos take another scalp. Celtic and Real Madrid put on two of the greatest defensive displays ever seen in Europe before Gary Caldwell’s late extra-time winner. After a 3-3 draw at Anfield, Liverpool come from 3-0 down in Portugal to earn a second 3-3 draw and win the shoot-out, Alvaro Arbeloa among the goals.

The Reds then draw 3-3 in their first leg with Olympiakos, while Celtic and Fenerbahce’s first leg end 3-3 in Turkey.

Wins over Fiorentina and Benfica send Aberdeen into The Uefa Cup final, where they will meet Stan Collymore’s Bolton, who beat Bayer Levekusen in the quarter-finals and Villarreal in the semis.

The FA Cup semi-finals fail to produce a goal between them with non-league Havant and Waterville bowing out to Bristol Rovers at Old Trafford following a 1-0 penalty shoot-out win for the League Two side and Bristol City ousting QPR [conquerors of Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United] by the same shoot-out score.

May:

Having both failed to win in 2008, Newcastle United and Manchester City are both relegated to the Championship, to be replaced by West Brom [promoted despite a bout of haemorrhoids] and one of either Wolves or Plymouth, who meet on the Championship final day. The Pilgrims’ form under Paul Sturrock has been faultless, however, when Ian Holloway quits Leicester - after Milan Mandaric’s side are relegated to League One, along with Crystal Palace [not-so-lucky with the haemorrhoids] – he is given the Plymouth job again ahead of the last day of the season. Plymouth win 1-0 thanks to on-loan goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel’s strike and Holly is set for his chance in the big league. Sturrock has no say in the matter.

Stan Collymore’s Bolton beat Roy Keane’s Sunderland with a Ricardo Gardner penalty to ensure survival meaning the final Premier League relegation place goes to the last day.

The Premier League title race also goes all the way to the final day, with Manchester United starting the day on 84 points and Arsenal on 83. It looks like United’s title, when Juande Ramos’ Arsenal, laid low by food poisoning, are beaten 3-1 by a Roy Keane hat-trick, Philippe Senderos’ bicycle kick not enough against Sunderland.

United, meanwhile, take the lead at Wigan through Louis Saha - who completes a third successive 90 minutes.

However, Steve Bruce sends on Titus Bramble – recalled from his Newcastle loan spell - and his two headed goals in the eight minutes’ stoppage-time give Wigan a 2-1 win and Premier League survival. That sees Bruce and assistant Eric Black run onto the pitch in scenes of embarrassing celebration.

Portsmouth, meanwhile, who no one realised had 82 points at the start of the day beat Fulham 1-0 with a David Nugent goal and, it transpires, win the Premier League, ahead of United, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and the rather oddly sixth and seventh-placed Birmingham City and Reading.

With Wigan safe, Derby see off Reading thanks to goals from Samuel Eto’o, Tim Cahill and Malcolm Christie meaning Middlesbrough’s 7-6 win over relegated Manchester City is not enough for them.

That is until an FA official reads a letter from a Sheffield United supporter’s group over the Carlos Tevez affair of 2006/07 and decides that The Hammers must be relegated with immediate effect after all. Manchester United will have to do without Tevez for three years as he is jailed for his part in The Carlos Tevez affair.

A consultation to deem whether The Blades should be reinstated to the top flight decides against it and they finish the season third from bottom of The Championship, slipping into League One with The Football League imposing a 15-points deduction for all the trouble they have caused.

In Europe, Liverpool draw 3-3 at home to Olympiakos but are beaten on penalties as the Greeks book a Moscow Champions League final against Fenerbahce, who take Celtic apart 1-0 in Glasgow, and it turns out to be Fenerbahce’s year as the win the final 7-1.

Stan Collymore’s Bolton, having survived the threat of the drop, play flowing football in their 3-0 Uefa Cup final win over impressive Aberdeen, but Collymore resigns at the end of the season amid reports of interest from new Italian champions Napoli.

Just like The FA Cup semi-finals, the final fails to provide a goal after 120 minutes, though the penalty shoot-out is more exciting, Bristol Rovers eventually taking the crown after seeing off Bristol City 21-20 at Wembley.

The Playoffs are dour after inexplicably strong second half of the season form sees Colchester United, Blackpool and Scunthorpe United all in the fray, but Charlton beat The Us for a final against Blackpool. After a 4-4 draw, The Addicks win 6-5 on penalties at Wembley, on-loan Michael Gray missing the vital kick for The Seasiders, whose Wes Hoolahan is immediately after the final snapped up by Manchester United for £15million.

In Scotland, Motherwell just pip Dundee United to the title, Celtic and Rangers having to settle for third and fourth.

The Republic of Ireland’s international friendly against Serbia, meanwhile, is called off when team manager John Delaney fails to remember to call up a squad.

June:

The month begins with success for a deluge of Austrian football fans whose petition for their team to withdraw from the Euro 2008 finals because they are so awful is successful and the Austrians bow out. A lucky loser draw in the same vein as in The FA Cup in 2000 is employed and John Toshack’s Wales are handed Austria’s berth.

Robbie Savage, following a miraculous recovery from a metatarsal injury, makes himself available and is welcomed back with open arms by Toshack. Ryan Giggs also decides to play.

The tournament kicks off with humdrum wins for Portugal and the Czech Republic before Wayne Hennessey’s deflected goal-kick gives Wales a 1-0 win over Croatia. Germany fail to show efficiency in their 1-0 defeat to Poland and are written off by the pundits, while France, still suffering from their 6-0 loss at the hands of Capello’s all-conquering and absent England, lose 3-0 to Romania.

Wins over Sweden and Russia see Greece emerge as surprise packages, but three defeats out of three see the war-like Swiss public show some discontent in the streets. Portugal emerge from Group A, but only in second-place as Turkey also qualify. Wales beat Poland as Germany lose to Croatia and Toshack’s men win the group thanks to goals from Giggs, Savage, Bellamy, Eastwood, Koumas, Davies, Easter, Ledley and Bale against the Germans.

The Group of Death is won by Romania as Italy’s leaky defence is rescued by the goalscoring of Luca Toni and Alberto Gilardino and they finish second, Greece pipping Spain to Group D success.

Wales’ dream comes to an end after Ryan Giggs is sent off against Portugal for an alleged stamp on Ricardo Carvalho, Giggs’ Manchester United team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo accused in some circles of getting his club-mate sent off. Ronaldo eventually scores the winner in the penalty shoot-out. Croatia and Spain join Portugal in the quarter-finals before Derby’s Fabio Grosso is sent off in Italy’s 7-1 defeat to Greece.

The semi-finals see Portugal’s Ronaldo involved again, this time bitten by a dog after he scores the only goal of the game in the semi-final win over Croatia. Greece beat Spain for the second time thanks to Bolton’s lightning-fast Stelios to face a final against Portugal where they are overwhelming underdogs.

But, which they win thanks to Angelos Charisteas’s header from their first corner of the game. Luiz Felipe Scolari steps down from his post after the final and immediately takes over the Wales job, following Toshack’s sacking after the embarrassment of quarter-final elimination.

Ronaldo moves down the road to Liverpool, as Rafael Benitez brings back an old favourite to bolster his options up front (yet again).

The real talk of August though are the league's new boys, whose respective winning streaks are mixing up the top four... just slightly.

July:

Transfer activity really kicks in this month with a number of shock deals, Jamie Carragher’s £300,000 switch to Everton only intensifying rumours of an up-and-coming merge between The Toffees and Liverpool. Phil Neville moves in the opposite direction, while Rafa Benitez also adds Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United in a straight swap deal for Steven Gerrard. Liverpool also re-sign Djibrl Cisse and Robbie Fower and the much-vaunted Titus Bramble comes in for £9m from Wigan.

United add to the captures of Gerrard and Wes Hoolahan by bringing back former faves Gabriel Heinze and Ruud van Nistelrooy from Real Madrid, Jimmy Bullard also making the move north from Fulham.

Wayne Rooney asks for a transfer after Dong Fanghzou is awarded his number 10 shirt but has to remain at Old Trafford after breaking a metatarsal during his Arsenal medical. The Gunners instead bring in Nicolas Anelka from Bolton, along with team-mates Gavin McCann and Andy O’Brien, while boss Juande Ramos pleases the Gunners fans by acquiring Ashley Cole from Chelsea in a swap deal for William Gallas.

Gallas is needed by Avram Grant after Christian Dailly is whisked away by Lyon. Andriy Shvechenko finally ends his Blues nightmare with a move to Swindon Town, while Roman Abramovich’s millions are used to bring in the Israeli national team after several other big name players leave The Bridge. Didier Drogba, Michael Essien and Florent Malouda join an ever-changing Derby, Ricardo Carvalho and Petr Cech accept offers from Celtic and Rangers respectively, while Frank Lampard leaves to help West Ham in their attempts to get back into the top flight following their enforced relegation. Stephen Hunt comes into Chelsea from Reading .

The Hammers lose most of their stars who join Bolton - now managed by Sammy Lee again - after West Ham's relegation, while Lee Bowyer and John Paintsil turn to careers in film.

Spurs make just one summer addition – that of Thierry Henry from Barcelona. That means Dimitar Berbatov becomes surplus to requirements and he is snapped up by Fulham, who look set to partner him with fellow new boy Steve Claridge, who makes a sensational return to the game to sign for The Cottagers.

Premier League new boys Plymouth Argyle, with Ian Holloway back at the helm, entrust the players who got them up for the more part, though Robert Pires and Mido do join The Pilgrims’ cause. Fellow new boys Charlton install Arsene Wenger as manager after being taken over by a Kuwaiti consortium that decides to oust Alan Pardew for his erstwhile sparring partner.

West Brom take Gail Givet and Boudewijn Zenden from Marseille, though the real story at The Hawthorns is the sending-off of the entire Leeds United team in a pre-season friendly that may have repercussions for the Championship newcomers.

Leeds, back in the second tier after promotion from League One, finally have their wishes to have the 15-point deduction from the previous season overturned and are also given a further 15-point advantage for all the trauma caused by it meaning they lead the division by a cool 30 points going into the first weekend.

August:

Bristol Rovers beat Portsmouth 4-3 in the traditionally gripping Community Shield match, a prelude to Pompey’s further 4-3 defeat to Plymouth the following week as the champions get off to a bad start in the defence of their title. The Premier League new boys all win as West Brom beat Blackburn 3-0 at Ewood Park and Arsene Wenger's Charlton tame Liverpool 2-1, The Reds and Everton ending August both on zero points after terrible starts to the season.

Derby, meanwhile, lead the way with maximum points, Florent Malouda’s hat-trick in the 3-2 win over Chelsea at Stamford Bridge seeing them go two points clear of Plymouth, for whom Mido starts the season in superb fashion, scoring six goals in three games and generally keeping his mouth shut.

Dong Fangzhou winners see Manchester United defeat Birmingham and Bolton, while Arsenal begin the season with three 0-0 draws against Reading, West Brom ad Middlesbrough. Reading’s other games against Plymouth and Chelsea are 7-4 defeats.

Chelsea, meanwhile, are sent sprawling into The Uefa Cup after losing 5-4 on aggregate to Irish champions Drogheda United in The Champions League qualifiers. Welsh side The New Saints also battle through to the group stages after a 2-1 two-legged success over Roma, all the goals coming in Italy.

Leeds are punished for their entire team being sent off in the pre-season friendly against West Brom, the Yorkshire side being hit with a 45-point deduction, meaning their previous 30-point boost is wiped out and they begin the season on -15. It doesn’t stop them starting the campaign with a 3-0 win over Manchester City and a 4-0 success over Newcastle, for whom new signing and Leeds old boy Tresor Kandol is sent off. However, the Championship pace-setters are fashionable Cardiff City, who do not buy any over-the-hill players to put on silly wages in the summer and as a result reap the rewards.

Relegated West Ham, having re-signed old boys Paolo Wanchope, Nigel Reo-Coker and of course the much-loved Frank Lampard, do okay in the opening month of the season but fail to break down Southampton in a 0-0 draw at Upton Park, The Saints ending the month without conceding a goal.

September:

Pressure is piled on Sir Alex Ferguson as Manchester United take just one point from four league games in the month, defeats at West Brom and at the home of the champions Portsmouth made worse by a 1-0 home reverse to Fulham thanks to Steve Claridge's goal. Only Steven Gerrard's late equaliser at Anfield earns United a point after Cristiano Ronaldo’s goal had put Liverpool ahead.

Liverpool’s form remains poor, however, and when video footage becomes available of Tom Hicks meeting with Bill Kenwright in a seedy Merseyside guest house, the speculation of a merger with Everton continues, the blue side of Merseyside picking up their first win of the season in a 7-4 success at Reading.

The Toffees are, however, knocked out of The Carling Cup by Nottingham Forest, while fellow top flight sides Spurs, Aston Villa and Bolton also bite the dust early in that competition, Morecambe, Bradford City and league new boys Aldershot respectively doing the damage.

Spurs do better in the league, summer signing Thierry Henry ending a va-va-voom heavy settling in period with a hat-trick against Aston Villa, celebrating one of the goals with a smile.

Plymouth and new boys Derby are number one and two respectively at the top of the league at the end of the month, both remaining unbeaten with a high-noon meeting at Home Park in the first week of October expected to tell a lot. Gary Megson’s Aston Villa are not far behind after Wilfred Bouma finds his feet in front of goal, his winner in the Birmingham derby adding to a brace in the 2-2 draw at Sunderland and seeing him top the goal-scoring charts with eight for the season.

The Champions League sees Welsh champs TNS earn a credible 0-0 draw at home to Lyon, while Irish title holders Drogheda take a 2-0 lead at home to Barcelona after just 70 seconds, though eventually draw 2-2. Portsmouth’s first foray into the competition sees David Nugent stretchered off with a wages complaint as Galatasaray earn a point at Fratton Park. Manchester United and Arsenal begin with 0-0 draws against BATE Borisov of Belarus and Dundee United respectively.

Chelsea scrape past AIK of Sweden to reach The Uefa Cup group stages, where Celtic are among their opposition.

However, all eyes this month are on Fabio Capello as he takes charge of England in a competitive game for the first time, new call-up Bradley Wright-Phillips netting in Andorra, but it is not enough as England go down 2-1.

Sven’s Scotland win 6-0 in Iceland helped by a Darren Fletcher hat-trick, while Scolari’s Wales hammer Germany for the second time in four months, Danny Collins netting twice in a 6-1 win in Cardiff.

Republic of Ireland are still under the caretaker management of Eddie McGoldrick as no successor has been found for ex-manager and FAI chief executive John Delaney, now working in religious circles, but McGoldrick’s tactical awareness helps the Irish to a tasty 3-2 victory over Georgia in Tblisi.

David Healy heads four goals but Northern Ireland draw 4-4 in Poland.

The Republic of Ireland turn to an old head to get their World Cup qualification hopes off on the right foot.

On the club front, the Premier League continues to be dominated by the new boys as old faces make way. As the year draws to a close, it also sees a most unlikely merger...

October:

The month begins with Mick McCarthy leaving Wolves to be reinstated as Republic of Ireland manager. McCarthy names Roy Keane as his assistant, though Keane will continue as Sunderland boss, albeit giving extra coaching duties to summer backroom recruit Alfe-Inge Haaland.

McCarthy and Keane’s reign begins in stunning fashion in Rome with a 2-0 win over World Champions Italy, Daryl Murphy with both goals, though the subsequent 0-0 draw with Montenegro at Croke Park suggests there are still one or two wrinkles to be ironed out.

Capello’s England get back on track as Gary Neville nets the winner at home to Croatia and the same player bags the only goal against Kazakhstan at Wembley as well.

The evergreen Stefan Iversen sinks Scotland in Norway with two goals added to late on by Kenny Miller’s overhead own goal.

In club football, Chelsea boss Avram Grant is sacked after a winless month that includes Uefa Cup defeat at home to Celtic and three league reverses, one of them to Manchester United.

Wes Brown’s brace in that game, however, defies United’s form as they lose to Sunderland and Derby and are beaten at Old Trafford by TNS in The Champions League. Sir Alex Ferguson becomes the bookies’ favourite to follow Grant as the next manager sacked.

Arsenal, too are having European difficulties, Bakary Sagna’s winner from the spot against CSKA Moscow helping them to somewhat recover from a 5-2 defeat to Steaua Bucharest.

In the league, Liverpool improve as Mohamed Sissoko hits the winner against Arsenal, The Reds having a good month that ends on a sour note when Tim Howard’s goal-kick is headed past his own goalkeeper by Cristiano Ronaldo to give Everton victory in what the newspapers suggest might be the ‘last ever’ Merseyside Derby.

Derby win the top-of-the-table clash with Plymouth thanks to Paul Connolly’s brace and a run of goals from Aaron Mokoena helps Blackburn to fly up the league, meaning, with Sunderland flying under Keane and Haaland, none of the so-called big four end the month in the top four.

November:

November begins with Steve McClaren being named as Chelsea boss, though he is unlikely to get on with captain John Terry, who himself had five interviews for the job. McClaren can’t save Chelsea’s Uefa Cup campaign, though as defeats to SK Brann and Cork City send them crashing out.

Liverpool are left needing a result in that competition too after another Ronaldo own goal helps Rangers to a win at Anfield.

In The Champions League, Manchester United deny TNS the double thanks to two late goals from Wes Hoolahan and Nicolas Anelka helps Arsenal to wins over CSKA Moscow and Dundee United. Portsmouth, however, look to be heading out, former favourite Djimi Traore, now with Bayern Munich hitting the winner at Fratton Park. A 0-0 draw in Galatasaray means Pompey need to win their final game at home to Sporting Lisbon by three clear goals to progress.

Irish champions Drogheda top their group at the end of November, having beaten Benfica at home and won 4-1 at Camp Nou.

In the league, Carlos Queiroz takes over at United when Sir Alex Ferguson is ‘moved upstairs’ following The Carling Cup 4-0 reverse at Shrewsbury. United’s fortunes taking an immediate upturn with a 1-0 win at home to Arsene Wenger's Charlton, garnered by a Nani penalty. A draw at Plymouth, however leaves United 13 points adrift of The Pilgrims at the end of the month.

New boys Charlton are by now struggling, Danny Mills having to fill in up front after a striker shortage is combined with a heavy suspension record. Andy Reid, does, however, curl in the winner for Charlton at Goodison Park on the eve of a momentous announcement.

The following morning – and just days after Liverpool are beaten by Millwall in The Carling Cup- it is announced that with immediate effect Everton and Liverpool Football Clubs will become one, known for evermore as ‘Everton and Liverpoo FC’ an administrative error leading to an embarrassing typo in the title that cannot be changed after the fact. However, to accommodate the merger, The Premier League decide that the 14 points earned by Everton and 15 points earned by Liverpool prior to it are removed and the new club starts with zero.

To make up a 20-team Premier League, the decision made in May to relegate West Ham United by force for their part in the Carlos Tevez affair is withdrawn and they, minus all their good players who they had to sell, are allowed back into the top flight [with no points]. Tevez is also released from prison to link up once again with Manchester United. Nothing is done about Sheffield United.

All World Cup qualifiers are postponed until 2009 as a compassionate response to new Fifa president Terry Venables suffering a broken foot incurred when trying to tackle the Bury mascot before an exhibition match between The Shakers and the French national team.

December:

Carlos Queiroz’s honeymoon period at Manchester United is over when the team end up in The Uefa Cup, following Champions League defeat at home to Lyon, Jimmy Bullard's late goal disallowed for offside. TNS and BATE Borisov qualify for the last 16 from United’s group. It is also a bad month in the league for United, who - with Ruud van Nistelrooy looking unable to hit a barn door in front of goal - fail to win a match and end the year in 10th place, Portuguese Queiroz quoted by pundits as being ‘unlikely to stay in the job as long as Ferguson did.’

Arsenal follow United out of The Champions League after a harrowing 6-4 loss at home to Steaua Bucharest, who progress from the group, along with Dundee United for whom Fillipo Inzaghi is having a purple patch since his summer move from Milan.

Fellow Scots Motherwell top their group, which includes Inter Milan, PSV Eindhoven and Shakhtahr Donetsk, while Irish champs Drogheda also win their section though are peeved to see wily historical foes Barcelona make it out of the group in second place, despite Ronaldinho, Messi and Iniesta all missing penalties in their game with Benfica.

English champions Portsmouth go into their last group game knowing they need to win by three goals to qualify, and at 4-4, Herman Hreidarsson lifts his game to net a hat-trick and send them though with Bayern Munich after a 7-4 success over the Portuguese side.

Everton and Liverpoo FC are removed from The Uefa Cup as both Everton and Liverpool had games scheduled in the competition and Uefa cannot come up with any other solution. It means the side’s first competitive game is the league clash with Middlesbrough at The Riverside Stadium. Gaizka Mendieta starts the game for Gareth Southgate’s side and scores the winner. The following home game for Everton and Liverpoo FC is called off late on when half the home players turn up at Anfield and the other half at Goodison Park. The new club finally gets its first win in an 8-4 success at Reading in the final game of the year.

The win over Everton and Liverpoo is followed by success at Arsenal for Southgate’s Middlesbrough and many feel he could be a late contender for manager of the year, having lifted ‘Boro into the top half for the first time in God knows how long.

Fulham’s Les Reed is also a contender though after Aaron Hughes’ bicycle kick at old club Aston Villa takes them into the top four for the new year.

West Ham steamroll West Brom 1-0 to get their first points back in the top flight but get nothing from a tough run against Derby, Sunderland and Plymouth and are tipped to go straight back down to the league in which they started the season.

The league table at the end of the year sees Derby, Plymouth, Sunderland and Fulham make up the top four in that order, with several familiar names such as Wigan, Middlesbrough and Birmingham set to pounce if they slip up. Blackburn, Arsenal and Manchester United make up the top ten though West Brom and Charlton also have credible cases. 2007 champions Portsmouth end the year with defeat at Wigan and in 17th place, but it is Chelsea, Everton and Liverpoo FC and West Ham who end the year in the bottom three.

The Championship is now led by Blackpool from promoted Carlisle, though Southampton, back in ninth place, are still to concede a goal. After winning their first two games of the season, Leeds' only win once for the rest of the calendar year and go into 2009 four points off zero and six off safety, but with everything to play for. Newcastle and Manchester City remain in contention for promotion, but The Championship’s top scorer – City’s Dietmar Hamann – is linked with a January move to Champions League contenders TNS – something that could really scupper City’s hopes.

Portsmouth striker David Nugent beats off competition from Celtic defender Bobo Balde and Notts County midfielder Gary Silk to win The Ballon D’or, but all three already have their thoughts set to 2009 and what will/might/won’t happen in the year to come.