Aggressive 2 Year Old!

[Tatler]

Hi, I have a 2 year old son that comes to the kindergarten that i teach at and he studies in the baby class (18 months to 2 1/2 years) 2 days a week. He has been coming with me for about 2 months with no problems BUT in the past 2 weeks the teacher has complained that he very aggressive to the other children.

I have told the teacher she can give my son a smack or another punishment, she replied by saying that she couldn't smack or punish him now at this point i'm lost on what to do!! Should i find another kindergarten for him with a strong teacher or keep listening to her complain to me??

My wife is due to give birth to our second child next week and doesn't have the energy to deal with him or play with him. We don't have any family members near us to help... i have spoken to my own family and they just say its normal at that age to do that.

Any idea's or similar stories??

Cheers

[PattayaParent]

If you teach there too why don't you just go and smack him yourself?

[Tatler]

If you teach there too why don't you just go and smack him yourself?

If you took your car to the car wash WOULD you help them wash it?? As i said, i have to teach and i have a job to do while i'm at the kindergarten. My son's teacher has a job to do and she either can't do her job or just like most lazy teachers can't be arsed to do any work.

[Thaiboxer]

Sounds like the terrible two's!! As for his aggression, you'll need to get that sorted straight away or else he may end up being a bully and/or being given a taste of his own medicine someday. Perhaps if you tan his hide, he'll get the message and stop pushing others around. Better yet, get a bigger kid to pick on him and he'll see that what he's doing is no good.

[Goldenbead]

I would certainly not give your son a smack if I was his teacher, even if we were collegues. Sit with her and decide how his behaviour should be tacked together. When he misbehaves, perhaps she could go to him, squat down (ie get down to his level), look him in the eye and calmly but very firmly say "no thank you" and then put him in a short time out for a couple or three minutes. If he gets up, she should put him back. Always calm but firm, always consistent. It will take some time but he will get the message.

She could also look at distracting and redirecting him. If she is an early years teacher surely she is familiar with these techniques.

At two years of age, this is a phase and will pass but he needs to be made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he does this at home, you should take the same approach. I really don't think that smacking him will work.

[Tatler]

I would certainly not give your son a smack if I was his teacher, even if we were collegues. Sit with her and decide how his behaviour should be tacked together. When he misbehaves, perhaps she could go to him, squat down (ie get down to his level), look him in the eye and calmly but very firmly say "no thank you" and then put him in a short time out for a couple or three minutes. If he gets up, she should put him back. Always calm but firm, always consistent. It will take some time but he will get the message.

She could also look at distracting and redirecting him. If she is an early years teacher surely she is familiar with these techniques.

At two years of age, this is a phase and will pass but he needs to be made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he does this at home, you should take the same approach. I really don't think that smacking him will work.

I agree with the time-out!! we do the same at home were he gets a warning then followed by time in the cot, a smack is the last punishment we use with him.

As for the teacher, i have explained that she must find a way to punish him while he is under her care. I would prefer the time-out method BUT i don't think she is strong enough with him. I am good friends with the owner of the kindergarten and don't want to stir it up too much by talking to her.

Thanks for the good advice.

[Boo]

another method which has had some merit is the naughty step technique, a minute for every year of their life, so 2 minutes in a naughty area (doesn't have t be a step but a special naughty chair or mat etc) & they have to stay there for 2 whoile minutes. if they get up or misbehave in the 2 minutes then the 2 minutes starts again & so on until they are good for 2 whole minutes after which lots of praise for being good on the naughty step. It as been demonstrated on a lot of tv shows in the UK recently & this is with older kids who have been naughty for much longer than your toddler & it really does work & fast. (within 7 days of consitancy, which may be a prob with the teacher being soft!)

Good luck.

[Tatler]

another method which has had some merit is the naughty step technique, a minute for every year of their life, so 2 minutes in a naughty area (doesn't have t be a step but a special naughty chair or mat etc) & they have to stay there for 2 whoile minutes. if they get up or misbehave in the 2 minutes then the 2 minutes starts again & so on until they are good for 2 whole minutes after which lots of praise for being good on the naughty step. It as been demonstrated on a lot of tv shows in the UK recently & this is with older kids who have been naughty for much longer than your toddler & it really does work & fast. (within 7 days of consitancy, which may be a prob with the teacher being soft!)

Good luck.

[answer]

I would certainly not give your son a smack if I was his teacher, even if we were collegues. Sit with her and decide how his behaviour should be tacked together. When he misbehaves, perhaps she could go to him, squat down (ie get down to his level), look him in the eye and calmly but very firmly say "no thank you" and then put him in a short time out for a couple or three minutes. If he gets up, she should put him back. Always calm but firm, always consistent. It will take some time but he will get the message.

She could also look at distracting and redirecting him. If she is an early years teacher surely she is familiar with these techniques.

At two years of age, this is a phase and will pass but he needs to be made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he does this at home, you should take the same approach. I really don't think that smacking him will work.

Great advice. Showing you don't support his behavior is the best.

Some children are more aggressive than others. Softer and weaker children might come home with a red mark of a bite in the arm.

If you smack him, he'll be stubborn and is not scared. Next step (you need a stronger method) you may use a ruler to hit his butt. He'll become more stubborn and worse, he's even more aggressive and revenging.

[Thaiboxer]

The show "Little Angels" is a great show on disciplining kids. I forgot the woman's name; she's a child specialist in the UK who travels to different families and helps them deal with naughty kids. Some of the kids she has dealt with are downright awful, however she is able to turn them around within a week or so.

[Jandajoy]

Smacking a child for being aggressive simplly reinforces his view of the world that violence is the way to sort things out. (Ok i know most the worlds leaders disagree but they're not 2 yr. olds)

Anyway full marks to the "time out" ideas especailly when related to age.

Secondly it's always good in the time out can be in isolation, away from the other kids and other distractions.

Another method we used at my last school was for the child to "time out" in another class, preferably with much older kids. Time out should not be fun and being taken out of the environment where the incident took place can add weight to the punishment. Just make sure the teacher doesn't forget that he's gone. I did this very thing once.

The other thing is to make sure he doesn't end up "liking" being in the higher class. It needs the 2 class teachers concerned to cooperate but it can be reciprocal. and helpful to both.

Praise is good if the kid does good but go easy on it when he's completed his time out. He'll end up looking for time out to get praise. Cool, calm acknowledgement that the time out is over but will happen again if he transgresses works.

Class room rules. Worked out, with kids, written up and posted round the room works well. I know the kids might not be able to read but, it's a great activity for language and intro to literacy. It also means the rules are public and out in the open.

If he's active and imaginative a "report book" can work. Teacher fills it in at the end of each day and kid shows Dad. Dad support and praises the good stuff but reinforces the teacher on the not so good stuff.

There's a few quite a few other things but not knowing the child makes it difficult.

PM me if I can help, I've been doing it for 30 years with a fair bit of success - yes, I'm bragging.

Good luck

[PattayaParent]

If you teach there too why don't you just go and smack him yourself?

If you took your car to the car wash WOULD you help them wash it?? As i said, i have to teach and i have a job to do while i'm at the kindergarten. My son's teacher has a job to do and she either can't do her job or just like most lazy teachers can't be arsed to do any work.

If I WORKED at the car wash and my car needed washing then YES I WOULD wash it.

Seems like you're one of these parents that subrogates the instilling of manners and good behaviour in their child to the teachers and then complains that the teachers do a lousy job, when in fact it's the parent that is doing the lousy job.

Edited for typo.

Edited January 28, 2008 by PattayaParent

[Boo]

This is one section of the forum that I think we can all see the benefit for keeping out flaming & abuse. People will alwasy have their own ideas of what is right or wrong in parenting but we can all offer opinions without the need to flame or be rude to each other.

The op has already stated that the problem seems to be only whilst his child is in class as he implements a disipline practice that works at home so telling him to go himself to do the teachers job is not helpful or constructive considering he is paid to do his own job.

So lets keep things constructive & helpful please.

[Jandajoy]

This is one section of the forum that I think we can all see the benefit for keeping out flaming & abuse. People will alwasy have their own ideas of what is right or wrong in parenting but we can all offer opinions without the need to flame or be rude to each other.

The op has already stated that the problem seems to be only whilst his child is in class as he implements a disipline practice that works at home so telling him to go himself to do the teachers job is not helpful or constructive considering he is paid to do his own job.

So lets keep things constructive & helpful please.

Well said.

[Tatler]

This is one section of the forum that I think we can all see the benefit for keeping out flaming & abuse. People will alwasy have their own ideas of what is right or wrong in parenting but we can all offer opinions without the need to flame or be rude to each other.

The op has already stated that the problem seems to be only whilst his child is in class as he implements a disipline practice that works at home so telling him to go himself to do the teachers job is not helpful or constructive considering he is paid to do his own job.

So lets keep things constructive & helpful please.

I was going to reply to Pattayaparent but thought better of it. I have started this post because i do care about my son and i want the best for him, i am greatful for your replies and advice.

Thanks again

[Jandajoy]

This is one section of the forum that I think we can all see the benefit for keeping out flaming & abuse. People will alwasy have their own ideas of what is right or wrong in parenting but we can all offer opinions without the need to flame or be rude to each other.

The op has already stated that the problem seems to be only whilst his child is in class as he implements a disipline practice that works at home so telling him to go himself to do the teachers job is not helpful or constructive considering he is paid to do his own job.

So lets keep things constructive & helpful please.

I was going to reply to Pattayaparent but thought better of it. I have started this post because i do care about my son and i want the best for him, i am greatful for your replies and advice.

Thanks again

Boo is not worth wasting your time on. Stick to your guns, talk to the kids teacher and if he/she cares you'll soon work it out.

Good luck.

p.s does your son get a lot of sugary soft drinks, lollies, or he like? I've never failed to be amazed at the way diet changes can effect behaviour in young kids. Just a thought.

[Jandajoy]

This is one section of the forum that I think we can all see the benefit for keeping out flaming & abuse. People will alwasy have their own ideas of what is right or wrong in parenting but we can all offer opinions without the need to flame or be rude to each other.

The op has already stated that the problem seems to be only whilst his child is in class as he implements a disipline practice that works at home so telling him to go himself to do the teachers job is not helpful or constructive considering he is paid to do his own job.

So lets keep things constructive & helpful please.

I was going to reply to Pattayaparent but thought better of it. I have started this post because i do care about my son and i want the best for him, i am greatful for your replies and advice.

Thanks again

Boo is not worth wasting your time on. Stick to your guns, talk to the kids teacher and if he/she cares you'll soon work it out.

Good luck.

p.s does your son get a lot of sugary soft drinks, lollies, or he like? I've never failed to be amazed at the way diet changes can effect behaviour in young kids. Just a thought.

Abject apologies Boo. I stuffed that up good and proper. I was referring to the previous poster "Pattya Parent" Sorry............

[lost_in_space]

Maybe the boy is not getting the attention he used to get, as your wife is nearly due, and you're probably pretty busy helping her. Can you find a way to let him know he is loved? Can you find more time to share with him? We have family around to help with our little one, I'd be hard pressed to cope without them. Can you get a family member over to help, at least temporarily?

'smacking' teaches them that violence is ok.

'time outs' teach them that your love is conditional, and can be withdrawn... emotionally more damaging than smacking.

the whole 'strict parent' thing is nonsense on stilts. read Alfie Kohn's website for some insights.

hope this situation passes quickly for you.

[Boo]

Abject apologies Boo. I stuffed that up good and proper. I was referring to the previous poster "Pattya Parent" Sorry............

apology accepted, was about to get all hurt & huffy there

[IMA_FARANG]

Hi, I have a 2 year old son that comes to the kindergarten that i teach at and he studies in the baby class (18 months to 2 1/2 years) 2 days a week. He has been coming with me for about 2 months with no problems BUT in the past 2 weeks the teacher has complained that he very aggressive to the other children.

I have told the teacher she can give my son a smack or another punishment, she replied by saying that she couldn't smack or punish him now at this point i'm lost on what to do!! Should i find another kindergarten for him with a strong teacher or keep listening to her complain to me??

My wife is due to give birth to our second child next week and doesn't have the energy to deal with him or play with him. We don't have any family members near us to help... i have spoken to my own family and they just say its normal at that age to do that.

Any idea's or similar stories??

Cheers

Oh dear, the terrible two's have started. Well, it's part of the growing process. First they learn the "me" part of their identity. Then they have to be taught to put the "me" part in relation to the "other people" part of their lives. Everybody did have to learn. Eventually we all did learn.

You'll just have to be the parent and make sure the rules are clearly set. You might need to enforce the rules with a bit of physical force (done with as little real harm as possible). After all it is better for your toddler to learn the rules from you, than from someone who doesn't love him.

You have to build your child as a social person with a clear idea of how to behave in society among others he associates with. You need to make the rules of behaviour clear and enforce them as correct behaviour. He will learn, but it may be a battle. Just be clear what the rules and the limits are. Teach "no hitting of other children" and stick with it. Good luck.

And. by the way, the three's are just as bad.

[tso310]

Probably the terrible two's as others have said. Worth just ensuring that there not something in his diet that could be making him hyperactive like too much sugar. Wasn't there something about the use of tartrazine in orange squash drinks which affected children's behaviour.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_an...icle2395606.ece

[sutnyod]

When one of my children was a bit younger than 2 she also behaved aggressively. Her (Asian) teacher told me her opinion: my daughter does not comprehend what her behavior does to others. She asked my permission to discipline her in the same way (but not hurting too much). So if my daughter bit another kid, the teacher (don't laugh) bit her, too. Just to show her it hurts, not only physically, but mentally. After 2-3 weeks my daughter stopped. I reinforce again: the lesson was NOT to inflict pain on my daughter, but to show her how it is if one is attacked. Very often aggressive kids are feared; nobody attacks them back, so they don't know the feeling of being on the other side...

[Jandajoy]

Maybe the boy is not getting the attention he used to get, as your wife is nearly due, and you're probably pretty busy helping her. Can you find a way to let him know he is loved? Can you find more time to share with him? We have family around to help with our little one, I'd be hard pressed to cope without them. Can you get a family member over to help, at least temporarily?

'smacking' teaches them that violence is ok.

'time outs' teach them that your love is conditional, and can be withdrawn... emotionally more damaging than smacking.

the whole 'strict parent' thing is nonsense on stilts. read Alfie Kohn's website for some insights.

hope this situation passes quickly for you.

1. I really think you should check out the Alfie Kohn thing a bit. There are major questions to be asked there.....

2. You're "getting the family involved" point is commendable.

3. There is no evidence to support your claim that time outs suggest "love" is conditional" This arguement, which has been supported for years has been shot down in flames numerous times. I can't be bothered to give quotes, just google it.

4. Life is a series of compromises. Each and every child learns that and assimilates its own parameters of reference. As a parent, one would suggest, your role is to establish those parameters. i.e. what's acceptable andwhat isn't ---- by the child and by you.

[Jandajoy]

Hi, I have a 2 year old son that comes to the kindergarten that i teach at and he studies in the baby class (18 months to 2 1/2 years) 2 days a week. He has been coming with me for about 2 months with no problems BUT in the past 2 weeks the teacher has complained that he very aggressive to the other children.

I have told the teacher she can give my son a smack or another punishment, she replied by saying that she couldn't smack or punish him now at this point i'm lost on what to do!! Should i find another kindergarten for him with a strong teacher or keep listening to her complain to me??

My wife is due to give birth to our second child next week and doesn't have the energy to deal with him or play with him. We don't have any family members near us to help... i have spoken to my own family and they just say its normal at that age to do that.

Any idea's or similar stories??

Cheers

Oh dear, the terrible two's have started. Well, it's part of the growing process. First they learn the "me" part of their identity. Then they have to be taught to put the "me" part in relation to the "other people" part of their lives. Everybody did have to learn. Eventually we all did learn.

You'll just have to be the parent and make sure the rules are clearly set. You might need to enforce the rules with a bit of physical force (done with as little real harm as possible). You have to build your child as a social person with a clear idea of how to behave in society among others he associates with. You need to make the rules of behaviour clear and enforce them as correct behaviour. He will learn, but it may be a battle. Just be clear what the rules and the limits are. Teach "no hitting of other children" and stick with it. Good luck.

And. by the way, the three's are just as bad.

What you seem to be alluding to is the cognitave period wherebye children begin to acknowledge that other humans exist. This generally kicks in around the age of 6 - 8.

Up to that point children are primarily fixated on themselves. Of one thing you can be sure, no amount of "physical force" will change that. What you are proposing is abhorrent.

You suggest that if your child is acting inappropriately and that you should use "physical force" to reprimand him.

"Done with as little harm as possible"

What on earth does that mean ?

"After all it is better for your toddler to learn the rules from you, than from someone who doesn't love him."

So what matters is that the person who is using "physical force' on a child "loves them".

As if this matters to a small child.

Violence, and that's what it is, begets violence. If you really believe that using "physical force" is an appropriate mode of adjusting your childs behavior.... I just ran out of words........

I'm sorry but the sooner they introduce licences for parenting the better the world will be.

[little_muppet]

Call" Nanny 911 "

sorry kidding.

I think maybe he just be agrassive because ur wife giving new birth because his parents are now only focus on the new baby and didnt have much time and let him be center of attention like before, so he just get jealously and release it to his classmates? dont u think?

im sure he will be ok soon when he understand the situation.

LMP

[bina]

terrible twos and new improved baby on the way: = hard times ahead for big brother.... lots of positive attention, try various 'new baby brother on the way' methods (the methods are varied , lots of books i'm sure -i only know the hebrew ones that have 'new baby brother ' as the subject matter, for toddlers... ) that bring up the fears of the two's who are not very good at verbalizing; which brings up a third point:

does your son verbalize or is he still not much of a 'fluent' talker; the less they speak clearly and expressively, the more they hit/beat/destroy/cry since they cant express themselves any other way and it is frustrating for them...

find out what changes happened in the past weeks in the k'garten; perhaps new teacher/ old teacher went away, new kids, new schedule, new furniture, whatever... some kids hate changes in routine, and add that to the fact that he probably hears: mommmy is having a new baby so we have to be more 'quiet', 'not disturb her' 'play somewhewre else' not play this today, etc which means a BIG CHANGE is impending: well, too many changes, u have a frightened little boy who cant verbalize what he feels...

so, try maybe to find a routine at home that u can maintain after baby is born; talk with teacher if she can maybe find out what is bothering the child; is it only one child he is hitting/biting? is it general outbursts? sudden changes in behavior start from somewhere, and not the same as gradual terrible twos (NO NO NO I DONT WANT... )involving temper tantrums or hitting out...

time outs are good as the child finds them peaceful and allows them to collect themselves. definately doesnt involve love or lack of unconditional love; just has the child back himself out of the situation of screaming carrying on, without losing face ...

good luck, its just the beginning...

bina

[caledonia]

I would agree with the posts earlier about the naughty step and also checking out his diet. Some kids just go off the wall with any fizzy juice or things with colourants and is he maybe getting these at snack time or something in nursery. The naughty step is a great tactic which you could explain to the teacher but will she have the time with a busy class room? How do they normally discipline kids? Is he fine at home?

If you can work out a pattern or triggers that may help. If not then opt for the naughty step as a good starter. Violence with violence is naver a good idea IMHO.

[TopDogger]

Get the little blighter castrated, it'll soon calm him down.

[MsFigure]

Good luck.

p.s does your son get a lot of sugary soft drinks, lollies, or he like? I've never failed to be amazed at the way diet changes can effect behaviour in young kids. Just a thought.

I'm going have to agree with the comment about checking the diet. As for the comments that this is usual behaviour for two year olds, I can say that my daughter never has had this problem or other undesirable actions (tantrums, etc). My daughter has only ever clean and natural foods (no sweets, soft drinks or other chemically, preservative loaded foods) and has never "performed" like some of her friends, cousins, etc. My brother has a son who eats like our daughter does, and they also don't have the problems they see with other friends/family children the same age.

While parents will blame their age (terrible twos) for their child misbehaving, they need to realise that diet will most usually be the cause of naughty behaviour.

There have been numerous studies done showing the relation between diet and behaviour in children, and once the childs diet has been modified and certain things removed, dramatic differences in their childs behaviour have observed.

Just one parents view about the relation between diet and behaviour in children

[Gary A]

Spare the rod, spoil the child. It is impossible to reason with small children. All they understand and remember is pain. My wife sometimes takes care of her youngest sister's baby. (About two years old). When he squeals, my wife jumps and the result is that he has learned to run over her. He is a spoiled kid. I yell at him and swat him if he doesn't listen. My wife asks me why he listens to me and not to her. Is anyone upset because I swat the kid? I would hope they don't like it and stop asking my wife to take care of him, but no such luck.