Ralph The Rooster

[Peterpan]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he Goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money." Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the

Next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive

Animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

[eefoo]

As sung by Jake Thackery way back in the (I think) 1970s .....

1. He was a fine upstanding bantam-cock

So brisk, and stiff, and spry...

With a springy step, and a jaunty plume,

And a purposeful look in his eye

In his little black laughing eye!

2. So I took him to the coop and introduced him to

My seventeen wide-eyed hens

And he tupped and he tupped as a hero tupps,

And he bowed to them all, and then,

He up and took 'em all again!

3. Then upon the peace of my ducks and geese

He boldly did intrude

And with glazed eyes and opened mouths

They bore him with fortitude...

And a little bit of gratitude!

4. He jumped my giggling guinea-fowl!

He thrust his attentions upon

Twenty hysterical turkeys,

And a visiting migrant swan!

And the bantam thundered on!

5. He groped my fan-tail pigeon doves,

My lily-white Columbine,

And as I was lookin' at me budgerigar,

He jumped my parrot from behind!

And it was sittin' on me shoulder at the time!

6. But all of a sudden, with a gasp and a gulp,

He clapped his wings to his head!

He lay flat on his back with his feet in the air;

My bantam-cock was dead!

And the vultures circled overhead!

7. What a noble beast! What a champion cock!

What a way to live and die!

As I dug him a grave to protect his bones,

From those hungry buzzards in the sky,

The bantam opened up his eyes!

8. He gave me a wink, and a terrible grin,

The way that rapists do...

He said, "Do you see them silly daft buggers up there?

They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!

They'll be down in a minnit 'er two!"