Relationship Q For The Ladies

[NotNew2You]

This Q is directed to all the budding Ann Landers and relationship counselors out there, your sincere opinions would be most appreciated by a male member of the species:

To set the background a little. I am currently in a LTR with a nice Thai lady. (I have lived in LOS for a decade so this is not a "holiday" relationship or anything like that.) Anyway, before I met my current partner, I was in a relationship with another fine Thai lady. This earlier relationship lasted 3-4 years. At the time, I was not ready for marriage and could not commit to her, so we parted as friends and have remained so since. She has since married (about 1.5 years now) and I too am in a new relationship, which will likely lead to marriage down the road. My current partner does not know about this other lady in particular (though of course, we both have prior relationships of one type of another). These relationships are all Thai-lady Farang-man.

I still care for the lady in my previous relationship in a platonic way. I wish her all the best in her marriage. However, if things in the marriage should ever go bad and she were on her own, if she needed it, I would want to help financially if she were in need. This would not take the form of ongoing financial support but something like a one-off so as to get her life back in order.

My question is: Should I tell my current partner about my feelings and what I would like to do in the future if it was ever necessary? Or would it be better to, as they say, "leave the past in the past" and don't mention it; and if the situation should ever arise, to help on the side without my current partner's knowledge? The danger being that if my current partner discovered what I was doing/done, she could (likely would) misconstrue it.

Any female perspective would be appreciated.

Edited July 21, 2008 by NotNew2You

[donna]

why not just leave it until needed (and lets hope that you dont have to help her out and that her marriage will be long and happy). of course you can tell your 'current' that you and the 'ex' are still friends, and i personally would see that as a good thing. but i dont see the point of bringing up things that havent eventuated yet.

[eek]

I agree, just leave it for now.

If the need to help out ever arises, re-evaluate the situation then. If her marriage doesnt work out, hopefully it will be some time in the future, and by then you will have been with your new lady for some time, so the new lady should feel less threatened or concerned about you wanting to help.

[RueFang]

Jumping the gun a bit. If you bring any of this up now with your current, it would just cause problems in my opinion because if she (the ex) was really 'happily married', why on earth would you be considering supporting her financially now, in the present? I understand the 'if', but it's extremely premature to be thinking like this unless you know her relationship is already on the rocks.. if it's not, let things be.

If you plan on keeping in touch with your ex, I would tell your current about her existence (that she's your friend) and be honest about it if she asks if you ever dated and clearly say that she is happily married now and you don't feel that way about her now. If your own relationship is solid, there shouldn't be any problems.

[seville]

Look if you plan on having this person in your life then you should invite her and her current husband to dinner or something. This whole thing sounds really odd to me. Does the ex. live near by? What ever you do. Don't help any ex-anything without talking to your current girlfriend when the time arises, especially if she is over say 30.

I have Thai friends who are younger and are pretty modern in their thinking about men being able to be just friends with another women. Older girlfriends not so much. Best rule is be honest. Keep something from her, good chance mee ben ha.

[NotNew2You]

Look if you plan on having this person in your life then you should invite her and her current husband to dinner or something. This whole thing sounds really odd to me. Does the ex. live near by? What ever you do.

No she doesn't live anywhere near me (and may even one day move out of country to her husband's home-country). It is a completely platonic relationship and we don't even see each other in person any more (several years). There is no sexual attraction or anything like that. It is just she is a very nice girl and like I said, IF she should ever fall on hard times (50 of US marriages end in divorces, who knows what the thai/farangs percentage is) I would just want to make sure she was not destitute. (My only reason being she was once someone I had a loving relationship with so in that sense, she is a part of my life.)

Can anyone understand this...that sometimes couples do separate on good terms...it does happen sometimes you know!

[seancbk]

Can anyone understand this...that sometimes couples do separate on good terms...it does happen sometimes you know!

I am still very good friends with all my ex's that I am still in contact with and I would be friends with the others had we not lost touch with each other.

Even those ex's where we broke up less than amicably have after a while become friends again. I see no reason to hold a grudge, especially not with someone that I've been emotionally and sexually close.

I feel sorry for people that can't be friends with ex lovers.

[NotNew2You]

I see no reason to hold a grudge, especially not with someone that I've been emotionally and sexually close.

That is exactly my opinion also. Outside of marriage and the parental/sibling relationship, the gf/bf relationship is the next closest and intimate most of us will ever have...especially when it is between 2 mature adults and not an adolesent situation. I still feel close to this woman because of what we once shared, and would help if necessary, but that is all.

PS: If it's of any relevance, as I mentioned, I was the one to break it off after several years. I was up front in the beginning that I didn't know if the relationship would culminate in marriage and she was ok with that. However, I still may feel some guilt for "leaving her on the shelf," though I did happily give her a nice separation package at the time

Edited July 23, 2008 by NotNew2You

[Koo82]

If my husband wants to support his ex financially one time when she has problems, he can do it without telling me. I don't want to know about his ex.

I truly understand for some reasons, a couple can't get married. So what is over should be over when one has the new partner. Losing a good friend is not a huge loss. I certainly don't want to meet my husband's ex together with her current husband. The thought of what has happened between my husband and the woman will drive me mad.

[unforgiven]

This Q is directed to all the budding Ann Landers and relationship counselors out there, your sincere opinions would be most appreciated by a male member of the species:

To set the background a little. I am currently in a LTR with a nice Thai lady. (I have lived in LOS for a decade so this is not a "holiday" relationship or anything like that.) Anyway, before I met my current partner, I was in a relationship with another fine Thai lady. This earlier relationship lasted 3-4 years. At the time, I was not ready for marriage and could not commit to her, so we parted as friends and have remained so since. She has since married (about 1.5 years now) and I too am in a new relationship, which will likely lead to marriage down the road. My current partner does not know about this other lady in particular (though of course, we both have prior relationships of one type of another). These relationships are all Thai-lady Farang-man.

I still care for the lady in my previous relationship in a platonic way. I wish her all the best in her marriage. However, if things in the marriage should ever go bad and she were on her own, if she needed it, I would want to help financially if she were in need. This would not take the form of ongoing financial support but something like a one-off so as to get her life back in order.

My question is: Should I tell my current partner about my feelings and what I would like to do in the future if it was ever necessary? Or would it be better to, as they say, "leave the past in the past" and don't mention it; and if the situation should ever arise, to help on the side without my current partner's knowledge? The danger being that if my current partner discovered what I was doing/done, she could (likely would) misconstrue it.

Any female perspective would be appreciated.

keep your mouth shut...........aahhh..... rookie

[MetroGirl]

ZZZzzzzzzZZzzzz .......long story

but the short answer is...........SIT STILL..........don't worry too mut, until the time comes

go have some sugarcane slurpy,...help U more relaxed

[Sheryl]

Defdinitely don't raise the issue (which may never even become an issue). But since you say this woman is an important friens in your life, get together as a four5some (you & your wife, she and her husband) as often as you can and try to expand the friendship into one between 2 couples, in that way if it should ever come to pass that she was in need your wife would already regard her as a mutual friend making matters easier.