Thursday Humor

[Boon Mee]

THURSDAY HUMOR

Leno

-- I was watching that new reality show today, “Fallujah Extreme Makeover.”

-- As I’m sure you’ve heard, “Operation Phantom Fury” is now underway in Iraq. You know, where are we coming up with the names for these missions? “Phantom Fury”? What is President Bush dipping into his comic book collection now? What’s next “Operation Green Hornet”?

-- As you know, U.S. military forces continue to attack the city of Fallujah, a French military strategist said today that the attack won’t resolve anything. Of course, people are shocked. A French “military strategist”? What the he11 is that? Is this the first one?

-- If you saw the footage of Fallujah. Bullets flying through the air. Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It’s like L.A. only with much cheaper gas.

-- The Pentagon said we are making good progress. And that very soon Fallujah will be a red state.

-- This just in. Attorney General John Ashcroft has resigned. He didn’t want to resign, but the Bush White House thought he was just too liberal.

-- I guess he figured once New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey was gone, his job was done.

-- Do you know about this? The Governor of New Jersey gave his farewell address yesterday. McGreevey said yesterday he was not going to apologize for being a gay American. He would not apologize for being a gay American. Fair enough. How about just apologizing for being a corrupt American?

-- Do you know the whole story on this guy? This unbelievable! They try to make it something it’s not. But he had a gay affair with a guy from Israel who he hired to be Head of Homeland Security for New Jersey even though he doesn’t see that guy wasn’t a citizen and could not get clearance. But apparently they are no longer dating. Although the governor did say to him, “No matter happens, we’ll always have Newark.”

-- Did you hear about this? Ralph Nader has requested a hand recount of all the ballots in New Hampshire. So let me get this straight, John Kerry doesn’t demand a recount but Ralph Nader does. Of course the nice thing about a hand recount of all Nader’s ballots, you can count them all on one hand.

-- I’m sure you know, there’s talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or as Bill calls her…”The Polar Express”.

-- Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent his regards. And VP Dick Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled out a heart donor card?

-- This just in, juror number 7 in the Scott Peterson case has been dismissed. They have to start the deliberations all over again. You know how they got rid of her? Scott took her fishing

-- Here’s something interesting - some international airlines have received permission from the U.S. government to use stun guns on their passengers. Well that should stop people from bitching about the food.

-- Wal-Mart is opening their giant mega store in Mexico. See Wal-Mart is smart, this way they can hire illegal aliens before they even get over here. Eliminate the middle man.

-- The NFL season is now half over. Unless you’re a Miami Dolphins fan. Then it’s completely over.

-- Today Miami Dolphins Head Coach Dave Wanstadt quit. Actually, he tried to throw in the towel last week but it was intercepted.

Letterman

-- I tell you I’ve been thinking of something all day. Let me see what you think. Do you think it’s too soon to hit on Mrs. Arafat?

-- According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving.

-- New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has stepped down. He wants to spend more time embarrassing his family.

-- McGreevey’s three biggest accomplishments were on the environment, improving education, and replacing those hideous drapes in the governor’s mansion.

-- Earlier tonight on CBS it was the 38th Annual Country Music Awards. It was another heartbreaking loss for John Kerry.

-- The Bush’s have a new dog in the White House. The dog is named Miss Beasley. I was thinking the last president also had a dog that licked him under the desk.

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