How Do You Find Balance With Your Extended Family"

[mizzi39]

Keeping in mind that the Thai culture is based on generosity and western culture is based on independence, I was just wondering how TV members balance their wife (or partner) and extended family?

Before I married my wife (and before meeting her family) I explained to her that I was not rich nor would I take responsibility for her family's personal matters (including money matters) and this issue would have to be reinforced with her family. When I met her mother and father, we all sat down together and i reiterated this point. I explained to them that my priority is their daughter and our future children, and that we are from different cultures and need to find a balance (or common ground) if I was going to share my life with their daughter. I went on to reassure them that I would be there in case of an emergency or crisis and would contribute based on my means and my contribution would depend on the circumstance. Fortunately my in laws were very receptive to this and we have a very good relationship to this day. I am also fortunate that my in laws are self sufficient and hard workers.

Well I am 37 years old, still not rich and i am a working foreigner here in the LOS so I know that my wife did not marry me for my money.

I have accepted the fact that I will always be looked upon as a "farang" amongst Thais since I am not Thai and never will be, but I do feel very close to my in laws(mother, father, and 2 brother in laws) who have gone out of their way to make me feel part of the family. Even when my mother visits she always feels right at home. I do believe no matter if you marry someone from your own culture or from a different one balance is the foundation to good relationships, both with wifey and family.

How do you find balance?

Edited August 9, 2008 by mizzi39

[a2396]

Depends on how close you feel to them and how much you want to entangle yourself with their lives. It's a very personal thing, no hard & fast rules. However, most of Thais, unless very worldly wise & have traveled overseas, think ALL foreigners are rich and have endless supplies of money. They can't imagine otherwise.

[GuestHouse]

I tried to have a similar conversation with my inlaws, but every time I went around to talk to them they were out at work. I think it would have been unfair of me to interupt them making a living in order to discuss my own priorities so I let it pass.

[mizzi39]

Depends on how close you feel to them and how much you want to entangle yourself with their lives. It's a very personal thing, no hard & fast rules. However, most of Thais, unless very worldly wise & have traveled overseas, think ALL foreigners are rich and have endless supplies of money. They can't imagine otherwise.

Agree with you to a point, but being "worldly" is more of an attitude than ones travel experiences. All you have to do is read some posts here on TV to realize that many "well traveled people" have some real narrow views and are far from what you would call worldly.

[Pushit]

Square pegs and round holes.... ho hum

[mizzi39]

I tried to have a similar conversation with my inlaws, but every time I went around to talk to them they were out at work. I think it would have been unfair of me to interupt them making a living in order to discuss my own priorities so I let it pass.

Well it was important for my in laws to discuss OUR priorities before they would allow me to marry their daughter, so yes square pegs and round holes!

Edited August 9, 2008 by mizzi39

[teacup]

I’m a thai + husband is an american….and he’s 2 yrs older than me.

We’re balancing each other quite well, with me in the middle doing all the balancing. Because I think it’s “MY” responsibility to take care any problems created by my thai side, not my husband. So far so good - no problem at all. It also helps that my side (aka my mom) is much richer than I and my husband, so no sick buffalo story from her and we respect each other life and the right of privacy.

She also knows that I have my own life to run and also she understands quite well that since I’m married my main priority now is my own immediate family - which is my husband

btw: good question

[Chaimai]

I'm a thai + husband is an american….and he's 2 yrs older than me.

We're balancing each other quite well, with me in the middle doing all the balancing. Because I think it's "MY" responsibility to take care any problems created by my thai side, not my husband. So far so good - no problem at all. It also helps that my side (aka my mom) is much richer than I and my husband, so no sick buffalo story from her and we respect each other life and the right of privacy.

She also knows that I have my own life to run and also she understands quite well that since I'm married my main priority now is my own immediate family - which is my husband

btw: good question

.. and a very good answer, you do seem to have the balance right - and I am sure your family's status helps.

[mizzi39]

I'm a thai + husband is an american….and he's 2 yrs older than me.

We're balancing each other quite well, with me in the middle doing all the balancing. Because I think it's "MY" responsibility to take care any problems created by my thai side, not my husband. So far so good - no problem at all. It also helps that my side (aka my mom) is much richer than I and my husband, so no sick buffalo story from her and we respect each other life and the right of privacy.

She also knows that I have my own life to run and also she understands quite well that since I'm married my main priority now is my own immediate family - which is my husband

btw: good question

And a good response! may I add that my wife's family had expectations of me before we married. Their expectation was that I would love and care for their daughter, be their for her like a partner should be. I tried to edit this post (but was not allowed to) because I realized that it may have sounded a little one-sided. Cheers!

Edited August 9, 2008 by mizzi39

[Neeranam]

I kep 400 km between us - it's the best way(for me).

[vegas]

When my missus told her mum she had a farang boyfriend, the mum said it was ok as long as I wasn't a 'backpacker type'. When I went upcountry to visit the family I was dressed in shorts and she looked me up and down, sucked air through her teeth, turned her back on me and walked away. We have never gotten on since.

[GuestHouse]

If this sweeping generalization is not true

Keeping in mind that the Thai culture is based on generosity and western culture is based on independence,

Then it follows that the assumptions that follow it are on a shaky foundation.

[mizzi39]

If this sweeping generalization is not true

Keeping in mind that the Thai culture is based on generosity and western culture is based on independence,

Then it follows that the assumptions that follow it are on a shaky foundation.

True as nothing is set in stone! Thanks for your insight guesthouse! My offer still stands

[siamamerican]

When my missus told her mum she had a farang boyfriend, the mum said it was ok as long as I wasn't a 'backpacker type'. When I went upcountry to visit the family I was dressed in shorts and she looked me up and down, sucked air through her teeth, turned her back on me and walked away. We have never gotten on since.

I was the backpacker type when I first met the family. Had very little money, but, I like to believe, a good heart. The family didn't ask for anything and we have always got a long well. The village, as a whole, didn't understand why the missus would get involved with a poor Farang. The wife tried to explain the relationship, but they had a lot of laughs at our expense. Really didn't bother me - the villagers seemed nice enough and they seemed to like me even without throwing money around.

Things have changes over the years and now I'm not the poor Farang. Still get a long with the family and now help with the rare emergency or for whatever reason I feel is appropriate.

I work at keeping a balance of respect and everything else seems to fall into place.

[PoorSucker]

I brought a buddha and a bottle of lao khao with me to papa first time.

We get along real good.