Am I Stupid ?

[Lilyjade]

I made some mistakes in my first Thai relationship and when I realised that things where going in a wrong direction to be honest, not managing our relationship correct from the beginning.

Can you(larvidchr) tell us some examples, this is very interesting

Edited September 29, 2008 by Lilyjade

[Shotime]

Do all old men lose their balls?

And why does Sabum make it like it's old men. I think it's young men that are "stupid" and haven't yet found their balls.

Edited September 29, 2008 by Shotime

[Tod Daniels]

The short answer to your question is of course, YES YOU ARE STUPID.

But I would rather quote the movie Forrest Gump, and say, "Stupid is as stupid does..."

About the only thing you could do which might possibly be more stupid or 'stupider', would be to take anything 'bravingbangkok' says as advice. (in fact take the 180 degree opposite and you're closer to the mark).

I think something is rotten in errr Nakhon Nowhere or where ever it is you happen to live. You would be well served to either as the other posters have mentioned, "find/grow a set of stones", or just roll over and die now so your wife and her "nephew" can move along with their lives.

BTW I have no idea if the alleged "nephew" is in fact the object of the wife's affection but clearly the O/P is NOT.

[AdventureAsia]

It is time to say hello to MR. World of Warctaft and a band new laptop. That will have ur wife begging u to go to bed with her.

[Chang_paarp]

It is about time the global financial crisis had an impact on your lifestyle.

Some hints,

1. Every time a relative comes to the house, ask to borrow money, you will repay when the stock market fixes its self.
   
2. Ask your wife for money to send to your family.
   
3. Forget to shower and shave for a few days, then get dressed in a suit and ask for directions to Pattaya as you want to be a sexy man.
   
4. Ask for credit at the local shop, say the wife will pay.
   
5. Borrow money off the male employees.
   
6. Make sure the wife finds the internet porn still on the screen when she looks at your computer.
   
7. Transfer everything you can back to Oz or a similarly strong ( ) economy.
   
8. Go missing for a few days.
   
9. While you go missing get a change in look, shave your head or do something to change your appearance and then be more assertive when you come back.
   
10. Act like a Thai male, ask where your meals are, your washing and marital rights. Tell her to get the beer and pay the outstanding debt from the local shop.
    
11. Ask to get a maid, sugest a few girls from the local area.
    

If this does not work then Tiger have some very good fares to Oz, be sure to go shopping in Pattaya or Sukumvit before you go back.

[thesunset75]

It is about time the global financial crisis had an impact on your lifestyle.

Some hints,

1. Every time a relative comes to the house, ask to borrow money, you will repay when the stock market fixes its self.
   
2. Ask your wife for money to send to your family.
   
3. Forget to shower and shave for a few days, then get dressed in a suit and ask for directions to Pattaya as you want to be a sexy man.
   
4. Ask for credit at the local shop, say the wife will pay.
   
5. Borrow money off the male employees.
   
6. Make sure the wife finds the internet porn still on the screen when she looks at your computer.
   
7. Transfer everything you can back to Oz or a similarly strong ( ) economy.
   
8. Go missing for a few days.
   
9. While you go missing get a change in look, shave your head or do something to change your appearance and then be more assertive when you come back.
   
10. Act like a Thai male, ask where your meals are, your washing and marital rights. Tell her to get the beer and pay the outstanding debt from the local shop.
    
11. Ask to get a maid, sugest a few girls from the local area.
    

If this does not work then Tiger have some very good fares to Oz, be sure to go shopping in Pattaya or Sukumvit before you go back.

I hope you were not serious

-------------------

To the OP again I would say please talk openly to your wife what went wrong and what missing.

Good luck

[harrry]

Fred it is important to realize that even if you do have to make big changes in your life that it is not the end of the world. It has happened to a lot of us and at first it seems unbelievable and it is hard to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Most of us have got through that and been able to rebuild our lives and often better than they were. I really hope that I am wrong but it looks likely you will break up. Think of yourself and make your own decisions dont take just what is said by others. If there is at least one member of her family that is supportive of you as there was in my case take their support you need all the help you can get. I hope it works.

[larvidchr]

I made some mistakes in my first Thai relationship and when I realised that things where going in a wrong direction to be honest, not managing our relationship correct from the beginning.

Can you(larvidchr) tell us some examples, this is very interesting

Well yes I can try a few without it getting to private.

I found my Girlfriends jealousy quite flattering at first, and all her little control systems quite sweet and innocent, like checking my mobile contacts and reading my messages, not to mention that she would almost race me to answer the phone, as I did not have anything to hide I did not pay much attention to it in the beginning, but a year or so later when it had developed into demands it became to intrusive, and then when I wanted to put a stop to it she obviously accused me of having some sort of secrets, and I could not explain to her that it was purely the principle of her invading my space this way.

Another thing was going out, almost the same thing, I enjoyed that she always wanted to go with me and I enjoyed her company, but that developed to her not wanting to let me go out without her under any circumstance, that is if I wanted peace and quiet in my own house, and when we did go out she started to get angry with me just for answering other women polite, or if she thought i was looking at another woman, she even got angry if I answered hello to the neighbours greetings when I walked the dog, she would then accuse me of having an affair.

It was all wrong and totally unjust, she herself was so beautiful and (lovely when she was happy) that I had absolutely no inclination or need to look else where, and again because I myself at first did not take it serious, found it a bit sweet and neglected to clamp down on it immediately it grew to big, when I finally tried to explain that for two people to have love it necessitates that you afford your partner with some freedom and trust it was way to late.

In family matters it was obvious to me straight away that her daughter (taken care of by Mother in Issan) and her Mother was very important to her, this to I wholly approved of coming myself from a country where family's no longer are very tight and the traditional family structures not exist in the same way as before, but that also slowly developed so that only her family had this importance and mine came in as a distant second, so spending money on her Daughters new school uniform was okay, but spending my money on a birthday present to my Son was disapproved of or to expensive, and would result in arguments, not that there wasn't ample money enough to do both and more, that was not the issue on her part, it was the act itself bestowing importance on my family as well, that was the problem.

Being a former Go Go girl I think she was to some extent "damaged goods" if you will excuse that expression, having been lied to so many many times by costumers promising marriage aso. aso. cheated by former co. workers and knowing only to well how hard the competition is here, that when she finally got me (a good man in her terminology) she wanted me so whole and complete to herself that it suffocated me and left me with no room to breathe, I know for a fact that she really loved me with all her heart and still do even now years later,(I never gave her houses and cars aso.) but when i now and again run in to her she starts crying immediately and she always tells me that she now know how wrong she was in her behaviour, but the thing is, that even her knowing that, I don't believe she can change what is now so deeply embedded in her personality culture wise and experience wise. She never cheated me for as much as one satang and is in many ways one of the most honest, brave and caring persons I have ever met, but in the end me trying to re-establish some control gave to many conflicts, and I felt like a prisoner in my own home.

I initially was of the conviction that it was only my Girlfriend and that she suffered from excessive jealousy, but through the years I have met so many Foreign men with Thai Girlfriends, and with almost the exact same problems, that I now know it to some level is a culture thing, and that we here must be ready to navigate in our relationships in quite different ways to what we are used to from home when it is needed, but without degenerating to pure male chauvinism and to try to preserve as much of the equality principles from our own culture as possible.

Regards

Edited September 29, 2008 by larvidchr

[Chaimai]

No need to be so high and mighty Chaimai. It is unbecoming.

Oops, sorry,

I think I was trying to be forthright and it came out a bit high-handed

[Furbie]

I made some mistakes in my first Thai relationship and when I realised that things where going in a wrong direction to be honest, not managing our relationship correct from the beginning.

Can you(larvidchr) tell us some examples, this is very interesting

...

I initially was of the conviction that it was only my Girlfriend and that she suffered from excessive jealousy, but through the years I have met so many Foreign men with Thai Girlfriends, and with almost the exact same problems, that I now know it to some level is a culture thing, and that we here must be ready to navigate in our relationships in quite different ways to what we are used to from home when it is needed, but without degenerating to pure male chauvinism and to try to preserve as much of the equality principles from our own culture as possible.

Regards

I say this to all men considering (or in) a relationship with a Thai woman (regardless of her background). You must gain control of the relationship. She expects it, and will walk all over you if you don't. Even the sweetest Thai girl will move in this direction - and it can be so slow you may not even realize it until one day you wake up and can't even go to the bathroom without permission. Once you gain control, you must hold onto it; through all the pouting and tears, they will get over it and your relationship will be happier for it.

I have seen many a friend lose their control and become virtual prisoners in their relationships - to the point where other friends have written them off because the guy can never go out alone. This is not to say you need to be a monster - just set reasonable limits and stick to them come h-e-l-l or high water. Personal privacy, personal space, money, consideration of your friends and your family, responsibilities in the relationship such as housework and paying the bills - set these out and do not budge.

[Soutpeel]

I initially was of the conviction that it was only my Girlfriend and that she suffered from excessive jealousy, but through the years I have met so many Foreign men with Thai Girlfriends, and with almost the exact same problems,

Didnt you know...in all good Thai books shops there is an "idiots guide to Thai/Farang relationships" on sale...they are all reading the same book...

Seriously..I think the excessive jealousy, stems from in-security on GF/Wifes part in the relationship, expecting the Farang to pack up and leave one day or the relationship breaking down, instead of working on a mutal trust type relationship, there is a weird Thai logic which says, be controlling, be jealous and this will make sure the Farang stays around and this will make the realtionship work....as we all know in fact the opposite happens, Start the controlling, jealously bit and somebody will be looking for the door, as it is basically saying to farang husband or BF....I dont trust you.

[philo]

I find this thread informative. Most of the posters are negative - and so am I.

The real shit comes when you have a child here - and I am soon going to have the second one.

I wish I could just walk away - but as some of the posters said: Some guys are too soft hearted to just get their Visa-card and Passport and a bag of clothes and walk out of there ...

[philo]

It is about time the global financial crisis had an impact on your lifestyle.

Some hints,

1. Every time a relative comes to the house, ask to borrow money, you will repay when the stock market fixes its self.
   
2. Ask your wife for money to send to your family.
   
3. Forget to shower and shave for a few days, then get dressed in a suit and ask for directions to Pattaya as you want to be a sexy man.
   
4. Ask for credit at the local shop, say the wife will pay.
   
5. Borrow money off the male employees.
   
6. Make sure the wife finds the internet porn still on the screen when she looks at your computer.
   
7. Transfer everything you can back to Oz or a similarly strong ( ) economy.
   
8. Go missing for a few days.
   
9. While you go missing get a change in look, shave your head or do something to change your appearance and then be more assertive when you come back.
   
10. Act like a Thai male, ask where your meals are, your washing and marital rights. Tell her to get the beer and pay the outstanding debt from the local shop.
    
11. Ask to get a maid, sugest a few girls from the local area.
    

If this does not work then Tiger have some very good fares to Oz, be sure to go shopping in Pattaya or Sukumvit before you go back.

This is a Platinum post, and I bow my head for it.

The problem though - is that we are all suckers under the influence of all kinds of women.

Anyway, the post is like poetry ...

[Gary A]

It's really a simple thing. Get to know your future wife VERY well before you marry her. Avoid women who gamble or drink too much. Avoid jealous, clinging and insecure women. Gambling for a Thai women seems to be the most serious problem. They simply WON'T/CAN'T quit and will lie cheat and steal to support their habit. (I know).

After you have decided whether she would be good for you, come to an understanding of what you and she expect of each other. Love/lust does NOT conquer all. If you think you can work out problems after you are married, you are fooling yourself and are likely doomed to failure.

Some people adapt to Thai style living and actually enjoy being around family 24/7. I DON'T and I won't accept it. No way would I live next door to her family and no way would I accept having family members living with us. That was understood and accepted BEFORE we were married. He family accepts that I am a crotchety old fart and they respect my privacy. I encourage her to visit her family often and I enjoy my own company while she is gone.

[GungaDin]

It's really a simple thing. Get to know your future wife VERY well before you marry her. Avoid women who gamble or drink too much. Avoid jealous, clinging and insecure women. Gambling for a Thai women seems to be the most serious problem. They simply WON'T/CAN'T quit and will lie cheat and steal to support their habit. (I know).

After you have decided whether she would be good for you, come to an understanding of what you and she expect of each other. Love/lust does NOT conquer all. If you think you can work out problems after you are married, you are fooling yourself and are likely doomed to failure.

Some people adapt to Thai style living and actually enjoy being around family 24/7. I DON'T and I won't accept it. No way would I live next door to her family and no way would I accept having family members living with us. That was understood and accepted BEFORE we were married. He family accepts that I am a crotchety old fart and they respect my privacy. I encourage her to visit her family often and I enjoy my own company while she is gone.

Good advice.

I hope Rocky from Aus is following this topic.

[jts-khorat]

In a Thai/Farang relationship you must learn about eachothers culture and beliefs, If you cannot do this then you are just lazy and truly do not love eachother so just break it up now. You should also compromise and instead of you watching farang TV alone and then she watching Thai TV alone, watch both types together . As I said before if a wife or girl friend cannot be adult about the relationship and try and talk through what problems you have then get out because it will never work.

Also it would be best to stay away form the P4P girls

As the OP stated somewhere, his wife rather talks to the workers and will not translate; this strongly suggests that he has not done his homework: learn Thai (and that after 5 years of relationship!). Would you want to watch the newest cinema movies in Thai without subtitles while not understanding a word? I would not, so I learned the language; and he moved to his wife not she to him, so it is on him first to do some integration work.

Just this single fact gives me a good idea what is wrong with the relationship, the second is that the OP moved into a house right along the family and then does not like them walking in all the time. Has he ever been to Thailand before? If he does not like them, again he has missed to do some due diligence FIRST before rushing into a relationship, eg living alongside them for a few months.

The OP still being ignorant and lazy after 5 years, which wife would not rather stay with her true family? I would not look much at her being at fault as long as he does not fix those two issues first.

[klikster]

Seems to me your wife has her(many ladies)dream come true , nice house next to the family in her village , buisiness venture , 'Friendly' worker(?) she prefers to talk to , no more sex(for you at least), you have become the (un)neccessary baggage . Would not take me too long to make my mind up on all of that , tell her you want to go back to the good relationship you had in Australia because none of it seems to be working for you here .This is Thailand for what ever that means to you at this present time , set a time frame then go be happy , you only come this way once , enjoy it .

Quick, somebody slap me .. I find myself in agreement with dumball.

[klikster]

Couldn't the television she watches break down for a couple of days?

If I was in that situation it dam_n sure would .. crashing violently into the wall after some help from a size 11.

My Thai friends have a very simple but appropriate saying. "Enough is enough"

[dumball]

In a Thai/Farang relationship you must learn about eachothers culture and beliefs, If you cannot do this then you are just lazy and truly do not love eachother so just break it up now. You should also compromise and instead of you watching farang TV alone and then she watching Thai TV alone, watch both types together . As I said before if a wife or girl friend cannot be adult about the relationship and try and talk through what problems you have then get out because it will never work.

Also it would be best to stay away form the P4P girls

As the OP stated somewhere, his wife rather talks to the workers and will not translate; this strongly suggests that he has not done his homework: learn Thai (and that after 5 years of relationship!). Would you want to watch the newest cinema movies in Thai without subtitles while not understanding a word? I would not, so I learned the language; and he moved to his wife not she to him, so it is on him first to do some integration work.

Just this single fact gives me a good idea what is wrong with the relationship, the second is that the OP moved into a house right along the family and then does not like them walking in all the time. Has he ever been to Thailand before? If he does not like them, again he has missed to do some due diligence FIRST before rushing into a relationship, eg living alongside them for a few months.

The OP still being ignorant and lazy after 5 years, which wife would not rather stay with her true family? I would not look much at her being at fault as long as he does not fix those two issues first.

You are both so full of 'Bilge' water it is not funny , they lived together happily in Ausie land for 3 years , why the sudden change in attitude and attention to her HUSBAND , the man in her life . Should the 'Wife ' prefer to live with her family , so be it , but to give him the cold shoulder is far beyond my personal comprehension . He obviously did not RUSH into a relationship because it worked so well beyond the influence of both her family and what ever else is now on the scene . He is neither ignorant nor lazy in my estimation , the wife is the ignoramous on this occassion , or is she ? Maybe now she has all she realy wanted in the first place , it appears he is now just an apendage and not of much concern to the true picture , re-apraise the scenario , be absolutely honest with himself , work out a plan HE THINKS IS APPROPRIATE under the circumcition , and expidite it post haste , for the sake of HIS sanity and possible future safety . He has to be the one to be concerned about at this stage in his life , me ? I would shoulder my losses to date and high-tale it to places unknown , period .

[Loaded]

her financial needs are taken care of by you.

as a woman she now needs a relationship with someone who she can communicate with on her own spiritual and moral level. can/do you?

has she employed her 'brother' as one of the workers who hang around the house?

[imaneggspurt]

in my experience it is "the experienced " thai women that are the jealous types, and its not usually over love, its a fear of you spending "their " money on someone else while you are out, remember, whats yours is hers and whats hers is her own,.

[Huey]

It's no wonder that so many mixed relationships fall apart here. No woman will ever respect a wimp, they need someone stronger to provide security. So many times I see guys crying about having been taken for a ride, submitting to all the demands and accepting being sodomized, then being dumped or ignored.

Grow some backbone. Don't come bitch on a forum. Throw out the family, workers and maybe even the TV. Just maybe she'll get some respect for you.

Being nice to your wife doesn't mean turning into a lapdog. What use would she have for you then?

Well Said! I hope that he actually will. However statistically speaking I think there is a greater chance of him ending up like the rest. I mean if he went this far down without cluing up *sigh* Stupid No, not at all. Soft and insecure, 100%.

[Tinkelbell]

Sorry to say ..... you're stupid and an idiot with the low self esteem.

Where is your self pride ?

You're sole supporting her, giving her a life that she ever dreams of by giving her a house, car, monthly expenses and building a business for her etc , she treats you like shit yet you're still around waiting to take a shit from her again and again.

Sometimes I think you and your wife deserve each other (She is a shit-giver, you're a taker.)

I hope you come into sense sooner ( even though some posters said it's too late). Get out of this marriage now while you're still young and can start over again with the girl who has a good heart ( not jai-dum) and knows the meaning of 'gratitude' ( not as this wife who obviously 'ungrateful' ( Thai = nay-ra-koon).

A lot of posters give you good advice, take it from 'GarryA' for the head start.

Good luck for freeing yourself from this miserable marriage. One for the road to build a new happy life with your dream girl who deserves your good heart and good intentions.

[desertrat]

It astounds me that in this kind of situation anyone has to ask advice, unless he's made up his mind already andjust needs a boost, for sure most will say..."get going"

[zorro1]

Seems to me your wife has her(many ladies)dream come true , nice house next to the family in her village , buisiness venture , 'Friendly' worker(?) she prefers to talk to , no more sex(for you at least), you have become the (un)neccessary baggage . Would not take me too long to make my mind up on all of that , tell her you want to go back to the good relationship you had in Australia because none of it seems to be working for you here .This is Thailand for what ever that means to you at this present time , set a time frame then go be happy , you only come this way once , enjoy it .

Quick, somebody slap me .. I find myself in agreement with dumball.

That would be a first . SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP... Hope you didn't use that on your a*se

Edited October 1, 2008 by zorro1

[desertrat]

in my experience it is "the experienced " thai women that are the jealous types, and its not usually over love, its a fear of you spending "their " money on someone else while you are out, remember, whats yours is hers and whats hers is her own,.

This goes back a veeeerrrryyy loooooong way, First Book on Thai Girls, in these matters.."Woman of Bangkok"..at least 50 years ago.

Guy gives girl say 5000 baht for release from bar, pocket money etc for a joint trip to boonies.

At the station she selects a 5 baht comb from vendor and puts her hand out to the guy for the money. "I just gave you 5000 baht" he shouts. "That's MY money" she says.

It's a great book shows how nothing really ever changes, I guess you all know the Latin for that.

He sees a traffic accident, stops to help and is accused etc etc....

[geriatrickid]

When someone asks for help or advice in TV on a topic like this it's because they are jammed up. Have a heart. No denying many of the views expressed are valid, but does it have to be done so as to rip the last remaining filaments of dignity the OP has? People don't listen when they are humiliated.

[Ajarn_Jonesy]

If you don't want to be marginalised and spend every night on the reserves bench you should try getting more involved with ' them '. Firstly, start learning to speak more thai or lao so that you can join in more with the conversation. Like the Alpha dog you will have to excert you position on them. Don't stay upstairs, sit downstairs amongst them and read a book or the paper or whittle wood, anything but just try to avoid totally surrendering your space to them. Get in your mother in laws good books by whatever means possible so that she takes your part. Buy her small gifts of fruit etc. Make visitors bring their own booze by not keeping any in the house yourself. Talk to your wife and tell her you want everyone out of the house by 11.00 p.m. except on special occasions.

Finally if 11.p.m. comes around and the relos are still cluttering up the house, wear you smallest Y fronts and start pottering around in front of them, collecting glasses and emptying ashtrays. EXERT YOUR PRESENCE or you'll end up in the dog house. Woof !

This man/lady makes sense.

SPOT ON

I think no Thai like you.

"Them" and us???

Can you not sleep with "Them" in your house.

"Alpha dog"..............Sit.

No reserve bench for you,

RED CARD.

Are you a scientologist?

[Ajarn_Jonesy]

It's no wonder that so many mixed relationships fall apart here. No woman will ever respect a wimp, they need someone stronger to provide security. So many times I see guys crying about having been taken for a ride, submitting to all the demands and accepting being sodomized, then being dumped or ignored.

Grow some backbone. Don't come bitch on a forum. Throw out the family, workers and maybe even the TV. Just maybe she'll get some respect for you.

Being nice to your wife doesn't mean turning into a lapdog. What use would she have for you then?

I am not saying I disagree with you here, however a thought occurs to me.. And maybe.

To me this sounds familiar. you were with her for 5 years in oz and things were great....( I would be willing to bet that she didn't really have a close network of friends/family at least not like she had in LOS.) and you were the really the single source of strength/caring in her life. I think you got used to the way things were obviously. Then you move back to LOS (I dont think I would have moved next door to the family, but that is neither here nor there) now things have changed..

Could part of the problem be that you felt out of place and with all the relatives/friends in the house all speaking Thai? Speaking from experience, it is easier just to retreat off by your self and stay out of the way... but then hindsight is 20/20. Having gone through this here is what I found to work.... Even though you may not want to do some of the things that were posted earlier...... Just start participating, make sure you are involved, make an effort to be a part of the group learn Thai and so on.... you are going to need to do this before you can really sit her down and talk with her about it. Other wise she is gonna throw it back and say you don't take part/ don't want to be involved.... Also agree with the sentiment that you need to be a little more forceful and stand up for your self.... Make sure you are taking an interest and make her explain what is going on ( certainly if your money is going in to it) That is your right...

Big thing is you are going to have to make an effort and show some interest before you can expect her to change the way she is living. I would almost bet that this is the way her lifestyle was like when she lived at home.

One other thought, and only the OP can see what is happening.... To those comments that she is cheating on you/ doesn't need you.... These folks sound like someone who have failed relationships... only you the OP knows whether she is spending a lot of time away from the house and you.... Dude! get involved even if you don't want to.... stand up for your self and make sure everyone knows you are going to take part... I suspect just making your self a part of the group, and being involved will change a lot of things with your wife and the family / friends...

Well that is my 2 cents.... but this hits home to me as I have been through it... It took some time for me to make my self get involved and that was thanks to another Farang who had seen the same thing.. we have been married for 10 years now and life is good... Good luck to you.....!!

[jamesthefirst]

I understand, and you have my sympathy.

My wife is exactly the same. She would rather hang out with family members and buddies watching TV and eating somtam than being with me.

From my experience, not sure if it applies to ALL Thai girls, but the more you berate, have arguments, beg, ask nicely, etc for her to change, does not change anything in the slightest.

To say that I have gotten used to it would be a lie, but let's just say that I am more used to it than I used to be.

Try perhaps an 'I don't give a baboon's red raw rectum' approach by over a week or a month or so not mentioning anything to her in the slightest about your feelings. Go out for a few beers and get back at a late hour once in a while. If you don't have any local farang friends, find a couple of Thai buddies. Indeed your Thai linguistic skills will also improve by doing this also (I have learned a vast amount of my own Thai vocabulary over the years from taxi drivers and getting drunk with Thai blokes). These steps do help, I have found.

For people to tell you to get a divorce or a mia noi is of course silly. But other than what I have contributed above, I don't really have a lot more to tell you. Good luck anyway.