Popular Post riceyummm Posted February 3, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ron19 Posted February 3, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 3, 2018 Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.” Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.” The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?” Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.” The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?” Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.” 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Jeff’s blind date with Suzanne was bad from the start—in short, they loathed each other. Fortunately, Jeff had asked his friend to call him so he’d have an excuse to leave if the date wasn’t going well. When his friend called, Jeff pretended to be in shock. "I have to leave," Jeff said to Suzanne. "My aunt just died." "Thank God," Suzanne replied. "If yours hadn’t, mine would’ve had to in 30 minutes after I had gone to the restroom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Man goes to a brothel. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Polack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the customer, "I bit her on the t*t and she f*rted and flew out the window!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 An artist has all his work in a gallery. He goes back a week later to check on how things are going and notices all his paintings are gone. The proprietor tells him that they were all sold to one person. "A man came in just yesterday late morning. I have seen him before, he was with you last week for the opening and was asking questions about you ability, artistic quality etc; and he wanted to know if the value of paintings always go up after the artist's death. I told him they did and he bought them all immediately. No more questions or negotiation he just got all his credit cards out and bought the lot for the listed prices. I think you will be really pleased" "That's great news! Who was this guy, there were quite a few of my friends at the opening?" asked the artist. "Oh didn't he tell you. It was your doctor, he said he did your annual check up yesterday morning. I thought he might have mentioned it to you. In fact I thought that was why you came in was to close the exhibition down since you knew all about it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Tweet A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “Food cold!” the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?” “Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?” “I quit!” said the man. “Well,” the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fasteddie Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andaman Al Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted February 4, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 4, 2018 (edited) 57 minutes ago, Andaman Al said: May he depart in piece(s) and be re-joined with those he loves. I pray that all parts, from the family, Clergy and the congregation, will be "properly assembled" in accordance with the packaged instructions before he is "tabled" for removal, pre-paid delivery and re-assembly in "His Fathers" room. PS; Please feel free to join in while I may try and pack in some more joined up responses later if I can find the instructions in the store and don't get too boxed in and tied up in red tape and Health and Safety rules about safe disposal of non pre-assembled industrial waste. On those grave thoughts I wish you all good night and sleep tight Edited February 4, 2018 by scottiejohn just packing in some more puns! before I dis-assemble 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 A young couple Cynthia and Scott were on their honeymoon and were staying at a five-star hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and Cynthia donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon noticed that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, Cynthia and Scott would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom. That evening they dressed swell for dinner and headed to their hotel’s stylish restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the Cynthia asked their waitress why the aquarium had no fish in it, she smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium young lady…that’s the swimming pool!” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits. As she lifted one she couldn’t help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow.” 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 A Day at the Horse Races Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 6. Clean Sheets 2. Bare Belly 7. Sweaty Thighs 3. Silk Panties 8. Big Johnson 4. Conscience 9. Heavy Bosom 5. Jockey Shorts 10. Merry Cherry At the Post They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are both off in a hurry but in all directions and also left behind as a result . Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Sweaty Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top. Sweaty Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Sweaty Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Final Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming on well. At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Sweaty Thighs pulls up. Clean Sheets never had a chance...now that it's all over. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?" "I know, I know, it’s a cat!" yelled a little boy. "Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?" "That’s a dog!" piped up the same little boy. "Right again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I’ll give you a hint, children . . . it’s something your mother calls your father when he is being nice to her." "I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It’s a "horny bas***d"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 The bitter New Zealand winter was almost over when one shepherd turned to the other and confessed that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flocks. The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "It’s great selling the wool in the market and spending some of the money on food, wine and fodder, eh?" "That’s not it," said his companion. "I just can’t wait to see them sheep naked and shakin in anticipation." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 A merchant in the caravan business, Ahmed was well aware that a neutered camel can go longer and further without water than one which has not been neutered. But although he knew he was losing money, he couldn’t bear the thought of inflicting such pain on his lead camel, which was really more of a pet than a beast of burden. "Walking through the bazaar one day, he found the solution to his dilemma: a sign that read "Camels Gelded Without Pain." Making inquiries of the stall’s proprietor, he was assured that the operation was quick and absolutely painless. There would be no suffering. A price was negotiated and the merchant returned the next day with his favourite camel in tow. The camel gelderer picked up two bricks, approached the camel from the rear, took aim, and smashed the bricks together with a sound like a thunderclap. With a bellow of agony, the camel collapsed to its knees. The merchant was horrified. "You promised it would be painless!" he cried, cradling his favourite camel’s head. "Why it is," explained the gelderer, "as long as you don’t get your thumbs caught between the bricks." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 (edited) Edited February 6, 2018 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post tryasimight Posted February 6, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted February 6, 2018 Gee just come across this sub forum and ain't gonna read 500 odd pages to see if this has already been posted. A husband and wife are watching TV. A show about psychology. The wife is really interested, the hubby not so much. The husband pipes up and says 'this is stupid....that guy is saying you can feel proud and sad about something at the same time....absolute rubbish'. Wifey says 'no it does makes sense'. Hubby....'give me an example how this can happen, tell me how' Wifey...'well out of all your friends....you have the biggest d!ck' 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tryasimight Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 A muslim dies and goes to heaven. St Peter sees him and says 'whoa mate we don't let your sort in here' The guy is flabbergasted saying 'why?...I have been a good man ...I even supported Christian causes....I gave 5 dollars to the church for renovations....last week I gave five dollars to the Christian orphanage funds....and only 2 days ago I gave 5 dollars to some Catholic Nuns'. St Pete is somewhat perplexed and says ' hang on a minute' and walks away. A few minutes later he returns and says to the guy 'I've had a word with God and we both agree' 'Heres your 15 bucks back.....now F@@k off!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wayned Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 1 hour ago, scottiejohn said: Not if your dogs are Golden or Labrador Retrievers! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gentman Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night... ~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water... ~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet... ~ 83% said it was to go home 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 15 minutes ago, gentman said: ~ 83% said it was to go home Chance would be a fine thing! She who must be obeyed/her indoors will never get robbed. Nobody/anything gets into our(read her) house without the war-cry of "what bloody time do you think this is!!!!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 7, 2018 Share Posted February 7, 2018 21 hours ago, tryasimight said: Gee just come across this sub forum and ain't gonna read 500 odd pages to see if this has already been posted. Welcome, but if you like bad jokes you better start reading from the beginning! PS I think the "original" ending was, "yes you have the biggest dick amongst all of your friends I have slept with but it certainly has the shortest attention span". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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