Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

My post counter has said 38 all night long, anyone know why that might be?

[kevjohn]

In a pharmacy, the sales lady says:

We have Shampoo for dry hair, for oily hair, and for normal hair.

The customer asks:” Don’t you have Shampoo for dirty hair?”

[kevjohn]

Husband: Every morning after shaving, I feel that I look 10 years younger.

Wife: You should shave before going to bed!

[kevjohn]

Husband in the delivery room:

"If the baby will look like you, that will be extraordinary."

Wife: "If the baby looks like you, that will be a miracle!"

[kevjohn]

In a maternity section, the nurse says:

"Your baby is a real angel. Once he lies down to sleep, he does not move."

Mother: "A copy of his father."

[Ron19]

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum ?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

[warfie]

My wife wanted her breasts enlarged, I told her surgery was too expensive.

Then I suggest she rub a piece of toilet paper between them every day.

She asked "really? will that make them bigger?"

I said "It worked on your arse, didn't it?"

The doctor says I can go home next week but not to expect a full recovery.

[kevjohn]

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing.."

Wife: "Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "looking for the expiration date."

Edited October 7, 2012 by kevjohn

[warfie]

I hate that!

Also, why do we only get to vote 'for' and not 'against'... on second thoughts, the system probably couldn't handle all the Negative votes...

Edited October 7, 2012 by warfie

[kevjohn]

I hate that!

Also, why do we only get to vote 'for' and not 'against'... on second thoughts, the system probably couldn't handle all the Negative votes...

Join the club......

[eefoo]

My post counter has said 38 all night long, anyone know why that might be?

In case no-one else has explained it to you, you don't get credited for posts in the Jokes forum.

[kevjohn]

I hear that in the Middle East all a man has to do to divorce his wife is to say "I divorce you" three times.

Heck, in the US, it's easier. All a man has to say is "Yes, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.

[warfie]

My wife once asked "does this dress make my arse look fat?"

I replied "No, your arse makes that dress look fat."

Actually it was my ex-wife and the scars still haven't healed completely.

[Robby nz]

Met a man who eats bent nails.... Says its his staple diet

[Ron19]

A blonde and her Rolls Royce

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[Ron19]

Paddy goes into his local pub on Monday and his pal, Sean says, “Begorra, Paddy, where'd you get the black eye?” and Paddy replies, “You wouldn’t believe it, Sean, but yesterday in church there was a big fat woman sitting in front of me. And when we stood up to sing the psalm her dress was stuck in the crease of her backside and me, being a gentleman, leaned forward and tugged it out for her.”

“You should be more careful in future, Paddy,” says Sean. The following Monday Paddy meets Sean in the pub again and his other eye has been blacked. “What the devil has happened to you now, Paddy?”

“Well, you just would not believe it, Sean. Yesterday in church our friend Seamus was sitting behind the same fat woman and when we stood to sing the psalm her dress was stuck there again, and Seamus, being a gentleman too leaned forward and tugged it out for her. I said to him, ‘She doesn't like you to do that’ so I pushed it back.”

[RedNIvar]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the

phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a

bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said:………… "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[RedNIvar]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in

distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark

and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the

water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all

of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody."

And they did. When they were both gorged, the son **asked, "Dad, why

didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and

around them? **" *

*His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the

shit inside!"

[GarryP]

A blonde and her Rolls Royce

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

She wasn't a natural blonde.

[RedNIvar]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the

<deleted> thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy goes to the doctor with a bad back.

"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.

"Having s*x doggy style!" says Paddy.

"Why not have s*x the normal way?" asks Doctor.

"I have" says Paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face!"

Paddy was driving home, p*ssed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to

avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For <deleted> sake Paddy, that's your air freshener!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

"What the <deleted> you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't <deleted> breathe".

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[alancharles]

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France.

The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine.

Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh.

To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said,

"Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."

I thank you....Yer getting worse

[TomTao]

In a small Irish town built on a big hill there were two brothers Michael and Patrick, Michael's wife brought a new grand piano so she could learn to play by teaching her daughter who wasn't born yet because she wasn't pregnant, she asked Michael to go to the piano shop which was at the bottom of the hill to get the piano bring to thier house which was at the top of the hill, Michael looked down the hill then back at her and said "ow is oi goin ta do dat?" she said "arsk Patrick ta help ya", off he went to Patrick's house which was in the piano shop at the bottom of the hill and asked Patrick to help, Patrick said "well to be sure io will". After a bit of jostling, swearing, sweating and a pint or two at the pub they got the piano out the door and onto the road, then Michael said "well dat tuk a while" Patrick said "sure did, now let me put da wheels on", after half an hour of pushing and swearing they were only a short way up the hill, then Michael said "why are we using our own strength when we can use da truck motor?" "dats a gud oidea" Michael said. An hour later they had the truck motor out and on the piano, which promptly collapsed under the weight. The two men looked at each other, sighed and started walking up the hill to tell Michael's wife the bad news, an hour later after a long climb and a couple of pints at the pub they arrived at Michael's house, and hat in hand explained the whole sorry story, Michael's wife said "ooh dats alright, while oi was waitin oi got one delivered from da shop next door".

Sent from my GT-I9003

Edited October 12, 2012 by TomTao

[riceyummm]

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