Worst Joke Ever

[Ron19]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Ron19]

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth" says the old man.

[White Christmas13]

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." 

 

[White Christmas13]

You are a chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs." 
 

[White Christmas13]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" 
 

[White Christmas13]

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[laislica]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing I would have a seat today!

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.   

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold. 
 

[White Christmas13]

Movies changed

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
 

[White Christmas13]

New hearing aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 

[laislica]

Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his birthday.

His dad said "no son,the mortgage is 80 grand and your mummy's just lost her job" next day little Sam walked out with his suitcase packed.

His dad asked "where are you going son"

Sam replied "i walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum that u were pullin out, she said to wait cos she was comin too,

and i'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no *king bike

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message? 

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign. 

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

[White Christmas13]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

10 hours ago, White Christmas13 said:

 

I've always wondered about this, did you know the toilets on those trains open directly on the tracks?

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

In your best David Attenborough voice:

 

 

 

 

 

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

12 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

I've always wondered about this, did you know the toilets on those trains open directly on the tracks?

That's why street food (rail food taste so well)

[White Christmas13]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[White Christmas13]

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

[White Christmas13]

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

[White Christmas13]

Working in the garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: 

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: 

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: 

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter: 

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!" 

[White Christmas13]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[White Christmas13]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.