Saw this at Do Home yesterday.......SHOCKING!

 

 

What Would Jesus Tweet?

 

 

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to
the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole
bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out
back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare
hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an
orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an
idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he
gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it,
gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make
a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge
scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

Microsoft hidden settings 

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining they were not a dating agency.

What is your name?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." 

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. 

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." 

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. 

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" 

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" 

"I say Sem Ting." 
 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

https://www.facebook.com/207637710559/videos/2653352304271/

Edited October 31, 20169 yr by riceyummm

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet

– you can hide, but you can’t run.

                  HellOeen!

 

  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. 

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." 

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." 

"Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" 

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. 

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" 

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. 
 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" 
 

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? 
 

I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts.

The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking <deleted>".