Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Jock walks into a bar one day and stammers, ‘Does anyone here own that South Doberman Pinschers outside?’

‘Yeah, I do,’ a tattooed biker says, standing up. ‘What about it?’

"Well, I think my wee scotty terrier just killed him.’

‘What are you blitheren’ about?’ the biker says, disbelievingly. ‘How could your little runt kill my Doberman?’

 

‘Well,’ mumbled Jock, ‘it appears that he got stuck in your dug’s throat.’

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, ‘Didn’t you like the earmuffs I gave you?’ Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, ‘Och, they are a wondrous thing.’

‘Then why don’t you wear them then?’

Archie explained, ‘I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I did not hear him.’

　

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’

She replied, ‘Awe Iain that’s offie nice o yi– are you taking me to the pub wi you?’

‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m oot.’

　

Dougal was a typical Scotsman. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgment from, "Janet died."

The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale."

[Ron19]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client,

"So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 

in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.

 

I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made 

my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The  lawyer replied,  "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

 

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

 

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

 

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother,

 

'Don't eat it, it's an a*shole..

　

　

Q: What did the sexy doe say to the 24 point buck?

A: Oh! Boy your Horny!

 

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay,

the skunk didn't have a scent,

the deer didn't have a buck,

so they put the meal on the duck's bill

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

On 6/7/2017 at 4:34 PM, scottiejohn said:

And get me some food on your way back :) 

[Ron19]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

 meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
 "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Ron19]

>> Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
>> buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
>> He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
>> upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
>> grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
>> rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
>> especially painful.
>> Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
>> the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
>> managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
>> as best he could on each place he saw blood.
>> He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
>> way to bed.
>> In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
>> and Mary staring at him from across the room.
>> She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
>> Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
>> "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
>> glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
>> through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
>> those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[vogie]

Police have found a bomb in a tin of alphabet spagetti, they have said if it had gone off, it could have spelt disaster.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

 

Black Bra (as told by a woman)       I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.     One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.     We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by       greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.   Here's how it all went......... My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all  night long.  The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to  tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........   (you are going to love this..)             " What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Ron19]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have  sinned.'     The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'     The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'   The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'   The young woman asked,  'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'   The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Ron19]

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is  dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'   Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'   Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'   Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Ron19]

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.   'I'm 90 years old,' he says.   '90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'   'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[scottiejohn]

17 hours ago, Ron19 said:

 

Black Bra (as told by a woman)       I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.     One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.     We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by       greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.   Here's how it all went......... My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all  night long.  The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to  tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........   (you are going to love this..)             " What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Swordfish I assume!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

 

Q: Why did God create man before woman?

A: He didn't want any advice.

 

You'll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the opticians. Everyone.

 

I had a ploughman's lunch today. He wasn't very happy.

(for the non UK readers a "ploughman's lunch" is a cheese & bread based meal served in bars in the UK!) 

 

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

 

Always remember - you're unique. Just like everyone else.

[scottiejohn]