Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

The minister got new glasses and used them for the first time on Sunday morning during his sermon.  They were bifocals and he needed to get used to them.

 

As he was talking to the congregation he noticed the reading portion of the glasses worked perfectly.  He could read his notes and the Bible better than ever.  However, the top part of the glasses did not work as well.  In fact, everything looked fuzzy and he experienced dizziness every time he looked up at the congregation through them.

 

After a short while he tried to explain to the congregation that his new glasses were giving him problems but did not quite explain it as maybe he should!.

 

"I hope you will excuse me continually removing my glasses," he said. 

"When I look down and read my text and the words of God I see fine, but when I look out at you gathered here today it just makes me sick."

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She replied, "Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Little Amy confided to her uncle, "When I grow up, I’m going to marry the boy next door."

"Why is that he asked?"

"Cause I’m not allowed to cross the road."

　

One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.　

　

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may now have grater problems.

　

I am not boasting when I say I that I am beautiful but when I get naked in the bathroom, the shower head gets turned on.

　

Did you guys hear the joke about the wall? It is hilarious, I am still trying to get over it.

　

The math teacher was a good dancer, so much algorithm.

　

I don't trust stairs, because they're always up to something.

　

I haven't slept for three days, well because that would be too long!　

　

I saw a sign that said "watch for children", then I thought, "Well that sounds like a fair trade."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack!

The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied,

 

"you can go serve the other chickens around the back, they have just been fed."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T ."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family ," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear,

"Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

I think Google is a woman, why?

Because Google won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions which have nothing to do with what you think you were looking for!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1) There is too much front end protrusion

2) It chatters at high speeds

3) The rear end wobbles too much

4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on."

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford,

"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

CHOCOLATE V SEX; You can GET chocolate.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

Good chocolate is easy to find.

You can have as many kinds of chocolate of as many colours as you can handle.

You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.

With chocolate size doesn't matter.

"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning and it will melt in her mouth.

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

[scottiejohn]

[nikmar]

I told my missis she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

 

She looked surprised!!

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

13 hours ago, fasteddie said:

What a turn on, keep it up I love it!

Edited August 19, 2017 by scottiejohn
re charging my battery!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.

The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?"

The owner said it was $2,500.00

"$2,500.00", the man said. "Well what does he do?"

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office, responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, $5,000.00, but he not only knows MS Office, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, "$10,000.00"

Curious as to how a bird can cost $10,000.00,

The man asked what this bird's specialty was.

 

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I have not seen him do anything.

But the other two call him "BOSS"!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Dear Husband,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you for good. I have been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and did not notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You do not tell me you love me anymore; you do not touch me or anything. Either you are cheating or you do not love me anymore, whatever the case is, I am gone.

P.S. If you are trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your NOW Ex-Wife

 

 

Dear (NOW) Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your fantastic letter.

It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you have been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that does not work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"

My mother raised me to not say anything if you cannot say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99 and covered in fresh stains!

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for fifty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't geta dime from me. So take care of yourself!.

P.S. I do not know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that is not a problem.

Signed Rich as Hell and Free!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary,

"I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies,

"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I am very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn state lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor.

　

"And is this damn bitch giving you a damn hard time?"

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

[scottiejohn]