Paddy says to Mick -

I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm goin to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

"Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

An answer I can understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,

"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders,

are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after

eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went

out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend

it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the

name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the

kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went

to last night?’

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street

with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma

and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart

murmur; be careful.’

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

Farmer John’s chickens

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens.”

”What do you want us to do?” asked the policeman.

”I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the road workers go out to erect a sign that said:

Slow: school crossing

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, “You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So, again, the policeman sends out the roads workers and they put up a new sign:

Slow: children at play

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the policeman, “Your signs are doing no good at all. Can I put up my own sign?”

The policeman said, “Sure, go ahead.” He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling to complain.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, “and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers.” So he drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray painted on a sheet of wood, and read:

Nudist colony

Go slow and watch out for chicks

I hope I didn't find any of these here on TV. If so sorry for the re post.

Pictures anyone?

I had to write something or I couldn't post.

Not the best way.......but it will do.

Took me while.

OMG!!!

She's not wearing a seatbelt!!!

I couldn't resist!