A little boy asks the pet store owner for some bird seed. 
The owner asks, “How many birds do you have?”

The boy replies, “None yet. I need the seeds to grow them!”  

   

 What do you give a sick bird?
 Tweetment.

 Which bird is always out of breath?
 The puffin.

 What bird steals soap from the bathtub?
 Robber ducks.

     
Why do fish like worms?
Because they’re hooked on them.

 What day does a fish hate the most?
 Fryday!

 What type of clothing do you get when you mix a fish and an elephant?
 Swimming trunks. 
 

 What do you call a fish’s date?
 His gill-friend.
 

Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store.
 “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner. “But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me?”
 “Throw them? Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked.

 

 Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught these three fish!”  
 

A snail goes into a car dealership.

She asks the salesperson if they sell red convertibles. The salesperson answers, “Yes. But do you have a proper license, and the money to pay for the car?” The snail replies, “Yes, I’ve got both. The thing is, I’ll only buy the car on one condition—that you have a big S painted on the sides of the car.”

The salesperson thinks about that for a moment. It seems odd to him, but it isn’t every day that he sells an expensive convertible especially to a snail, so he agrees.

 A few weeks later, the car is all ready and the salesperson calls the snail to tell her she can come pick it up. The snail is really pleased with her car and thanks him.

The salesperson is still wondering about the reason for the big S on the car and asks, “So why did you want an S painted on the sides of the car?”

 The snail replies,

 

 

“When I drive by, I want everyone to say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”  

https://www.facebook.com/Nkonfomamario/videos/2290964034308111/?t=1

Sorry can't work out how to just load the vid.

4 hours ago, fasteddie said:

https://www.facebook.com/Nkonfomamario/videos/2290964034308111/?t=1

Sorry can't work out how to just load the vid.

Found it on YouTube ... 555

 

 

 

 

Two old ladies on a tour of Egypt stopped to have a smoke when it started to rain.

 

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her Camel cigarette, and continued smoking.

 
Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

 
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.

 

The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, AFTER all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

 
Lady 1: "Listen Sonny, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Q: What do you call a deer that can't see?
A: No eye deer

 

Q: What do you call a deer with no legs that can't see?
A: Still no eye deer

 

Q. What do you call a deer with no legs and no dick that can't see?

A. Still no f u c k i n g eye deer.

What is this !   Its long...very tough .... and dont take no shit from no injun .

HERE IS MORE OF THE BEST OF THE WORST OR THE WORST OF THE BEST OR JUST B A D!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?

Sorry I didn’t know you were an owl!

 
What do you get when you cross a cow with a volcano?
Udder disaster.

 Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish while he was on the Ark?
 Because he had only two worms!

 Why were all the mice in disguise?
 They were attending a mousequerade party.

  

 How does a mouse feel after it takes a bath?
 Squeaky clean.

 

Where did the calf go for lunch?
The calfeteria. 

 
Why did the farmer give the horse a hammer at bedtime?
Because he wanted the horse to hit the hay.
 

THE ULTIMATE "SHAGGGY DOG STORY?

One day, a busy butcher notices a dog in his shop and shoos it away. Later, he finds the dog has come back, and the butcher sees that the dog has a note in its mouth, which reads: “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” There’s also a $10 bill attached. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and see where the dog goes.

 The dog walks down the street and comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe. The dog seems to check on he bus times, and sits on one of the seats to wait. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to its seat.

 Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, but this time it climbs on. The butcher follows the dog onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and, standing on its hind legs, rings the bell to stop the bus. The dog gets off, the groceries still in its mouth, and the butcher continues to follow it.

 They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. It walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then it walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws itself—whap!—against the door. There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. It gets to a window, and bangs its head against it several times. It walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts yelling at the dog. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What are you doing? This dog is a genius. It could be on TV, for Pete’s sake!” “Genius, my eye,” the man says.

 

 

“This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”  
 

What should you do when you’re serving a camel tea?
 Ask him if he’d like one hump or two.

 What do you call a really good camel joke?
 A hump-dinger.

 A woman walks into a bar with a giraffe. The woman goes over to the bar to order a drink while the giraffe lies down. The bartender says to the woman, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ on the floor!” The woman answers, “It’s not a lion.”  

   
 What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kung <deleted> master?
 Lamb chops.

  How do you toast a sheep?
 “Here’s to ewe.”

 Where did the sheep go after high school?
 Ewe-niversity.

 

 Why are pigs always in fashion?

 They’re sty-lish.

 
 

 What happened when the pig couldn’t get up from his fall?
 He called a ham-bulance.

 

5 hours ago, Tweedle dee said:

What is this !   Its long...very tough .... and dont take no shit from no injun .

The John wayne brand toilet roll.

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

I know that feeling very well. I am aching in places that I didn't even know I had.

33 minutes ago, billd766 said:

 

I know that feeling very well. I am aching in places that I didn't even know I had.

Couldn't agree more bill; seems like every blinking day, I discover a new ache.

 

21 minutes ago, faraday said:

Couldn't agree more bill; seems like every blinking day, I discover a new ache.

 

I've got places that I didn't think could ache!

 

A man is walking through a park in Manchester, when a huge rottweiler leaps out at a group of kids. Thinking quickly, he knocks the kids out of the way and kicks the dog, which collapses in a heap.

A reporter for a local newspaper sees the incident, and pulling out his notebook, dashes over to talk to the man and write up some quick notes on the story.

As he talks to the man, he starts jotting down ideas for a headline, starting with, "UNITED FAN SAVES KIDS FROM DANGEROUS DOG".

 

Seeing this, the bloke says, "Sorry mate, I'm not a united fan".

 

So the reporter edits the headline, "UNITED CITY FAN SAVES KIDS FROM DANGEROUS DOG".

 

The bloke sees him write this and says, "I'm not a city fan, either".

 

So, the reporter asks, "Well, what team do you support?"

 

The man answers, "Liverpool".

 

Next day the newspaper headline reads … "SCOUSE BASTARD MURDERS FAMILY PET".

What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A wet nose.

A wife walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. My husband thinks he's a dog!"

 

The doctor says to the wife "OK, ask him to lie down on the couch".

 

The wife says "Oh, no, he's not allowed on the couch."

 

 What goes trot-dash-trot-dash-dash?
 Horse code.

  

 What kind of horse makes you wake up scared?

 A nightmare.

 

 Why did the chimp sell his banana store?
 He was tired of all the monkey business.

 Why wouldn’t the pet store take back the chimp?
 They didn’t offer a monkey-back guarantee.

 What dog loves to have its fur washed?
 A shampoodle.

 

 What do you call a mouse who hangs out with a bunch of pythons?
 Lunch.

 What do you get when you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
 A bird that talks in Morse code.  

  
 What do you get when you put a kitten in a Xerox machine?
A copycat.

 
 What do cats call mice?
Delicious.

 

 

And that is it just going in!

 A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle. One day, wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack.

Worried, the beagle thinks,

“Oh no, what am I going to do?”

Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another.”

Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees.
“Whew,” says the tiger. “That was close. That beagle nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says,

“Here, monkey, come along and see what I’m going to do to that conniving canine.”

Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks,

“What am I going to do now?”

But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says:

 

“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off to bring me another tiger.”