Worst Joke Ever

[Living in a cartoon]

[laislica]

Sitting quietly and squeezing a foam rubber ball is not as effective a method of relieving stress

as just smacking someone in the gob,

a new study has found.

Stress balls are often found in high-pressure office environments to help staff work off unwanted nervous energy caused by irritating co-workers – but evidence suggests they’re even less effective than homeopathy.

“My boss is a pernickity little Hitler and I’ve been trying to burn off my rage and frustration at him by squeezing a squeaky penguin I got from a trade show years ago,” said sales executive Caroline Hutchins.

“No matter how much I used it I never felt any less stressed.”

“But then I tried clocking him one firmly in the plums and instantly felt a lot better. It’s a miracle.” Stress reliever.

Caroline now plans to market her discovery on the internet under the headline “Local girl cures stress with this one weird trick.”

Management across the country have expressed concern at the news.

“We’ve been fobbing people off with a placebo for years”, said a spokesman for the CBI.

“Don’t tell us we’re going to have learn new management techniques now.”

“I’ve got an ‘undermining staff confidence’ seminar coming up next week and I don’t want to have wasted my money.”

“Or to get whacked in the happy sacks, for that matter.”

Sales of Bach’s Rescue Remedy have also fallen sharply on the news,

as the bottles aren’t big enough to get a decent swing in with.

[laislica]

I phoned the doctor and said, " I blew my nose and now my vision is all blurred.

What should I do ?"
He replied

"Stop cleaning your glasses with your hanky."

[laislica]

I still have an addiction to Bruce Willis films,

I guess old habits die hard

[laislica]

If 50 Shades Of Grey Was Written By A Man.

1.At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I’d seen.

2.Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke.

So I went for a smoke.

3.‘How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?’ she asked.

‘Fine,’ I said, ‘But I can’t see how we’re going to fit a Scalextric in here.’

4.Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it.

I probably should’ve told her about the new electric fence.

5.As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream,

I heard those inevitable words . . . ‘

Clean up on aisle 3.’

6.‘Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?’ she asked.

I nodded nervously.

‘OK’ she said and ate half my chips.

7.Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers.

My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8.‘Hurt me!’ she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly.

‘OK,’ I replied, ‘Your turkey’s too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.’

9.She leant over the kitchen table. ‘Smack that bottom,’ she squealed, ‘Smack it hard!’

‘I am,’ I said, ‘But the ketchup just won’t come out.’

10.She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy.

It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11.They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn’t do it.

Too many women, not enough thyme.

12.‘I’m your slave,’ she said breathlessly, ‘Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.

’ So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13.Her body trembled and shook.’I can’t wait any longer, do it now!’ she cried.

‘OK,’ I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

14.‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, ‘Harder!’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?’

15.‘Hurt me!’ she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall.

‘Alright,’ I said. ‘You’re a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.’

16.‘Stick it right up there,’ she said, ‘I want to remember this!’

I did, then I patted it firmly. You can’t be too careful with Post-it notes.

17.My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless.

No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18.‘I’m a bad girl,’ she whispered, ‘Punish me in a way only a real man can!’

‘Alright,’ I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19.‘I want it now against this wall!’ she ordered, ‘And keep it up as long as possible.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I know how to put up a shelf.’

20.As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said ‘I want to see your hardness.’

‘Alright,’ I replied, and punched the waiter.

[laislica]

Why Men die first!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=da9_1422174057#sthash.9AOvJpwY.gbpl

[FACTOR]

A duck walks into a pharmacy (chemist's) and asks for a condom. Cashier says "will that be cash or charge?" Duck replies "just put it on my bill."

[laislica]

[South]

I went to the new zoo today and all it had was one dog.

It was a shihtzu.

[laislica]

I went to the new zoo today and all it had was one dog.

It was a shihtzu.

Excellent, back on topic (with a vengeance LOL)

[ozsamurai]

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a sedan.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a cat.

A guy walks into a bar on Sukhumvit with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Edited February 26, 2015 by ozsamurai

[mca]

There's an old legend from the Wild West about a mysterious gunslinger who, rather than shooting his victims, decapitated them with razor sharp crisp Indian sub-continent snacks.

He went by the name of Poppadom Cassidy...

[WitawatWatawit]

A Kiwi walks into a bar around 9.58pm.
He sits down next to an Aussie at the bar and stares up at the
television. The 10pm news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "You know, I bet
he'll jump."
The Aussie replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The Kiwi placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the Aussie placed his money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off the building, falling to his death.
The Aussie was very upset and handed his $20 to the
Kiwi saying, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The Kiwi replies, "Mate, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The Aussie replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.

[WitawatWatawit]

An aussie fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red. It was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and 100 mg of Viagra. Rather astounded the nurse inquired, "what good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs.

[WitawatWatawit]

Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really
works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already.

[laislica]

The European Union has confirmed that it will print over a trillion Euros over the next two years and you won’t see a penny of it.

The process, called ‘quantitative easing’, will buy Eurozone bonds back from the open market, and you don’t own any of those, do you?

“This is what is known as ‘helicopter money’, as that’s the sort of thing people usually spend it on”, said a spokesman for the European Central Bank.

“And that’s hardly going to be you, is it?”

“We considered calling it yacht money or Ferrari money instead, but helicopters are way cooler because owning a helicopter is a guaranteed knicker-dropper.”

“Not that you’d know.”

The process, which will involve the European Central bank creating 60 billion Euros a month and handing it out to pretty much anyone who asks, except you, and is expected to last for at least 18 months – possibly longer.

The share price of champagne producers and sports car manufacturers rose sharply on the news.

[laislica]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died
There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[mca]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

10 out of 10 on the groanometer for that one mate!

[mca]

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

[laislica]

Better brace yourself MCA, here comes another!

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
houmus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession - boom boom!

[laislica]

or this?

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokes.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

[mca]

^ and ^^ Christ LOL!!!

[mca]

I overheard my mum's sister in tears telling my mum my uncle had never given her an orgasm.

Personally I couldn't see what all the fuss was about. Bit of an auntie-climax if you ask me....

[mca]

A bloke is walking past a travel agent and sees a sign in the window saying " Luxury cruises to New York 10 quid". Thinking "I'll have some of that" upon entering the shop he's grabbed from behind and slugged over the head.

Waking up later with a throbbing headache he discovers he's in the middle of the Atlantic in a rowboat sat next to an Irishman with just a bottle of drinking water, a cheese sandwich and an orange between his legs.

" Bloody hell this is some cruise!" he shouts.

"You should think yourself lucky boyo" says the Irishman " Last year they didn't even give us the sandwich"

[laislica]

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

[laislica]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

[mca]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Joking aside when I used to work in a Bangkok hotel they had an ambassador stay and I insisted they buy a box of Ferrero Rocher as part of the VIP set up in his room. The GM sussed me out and refused. Spoilsport!