Okay Girls Time To Tell The Truth

[Nampeung]

Hey you ladies in Thailand etc,There has been a thread running about me in another forum for a while but I'd like to broaden it out if I may because my mind is all over the place about it and I'd relly like to know your thoughts on the subject - it's not one we often discuss but it could prove useful.

In the last month or so doctors have told me I don't have long to live - please don't bother to ask why, it's an incurable disease called Bronchiectasis if anyone want to Google it.

What do you all think? How/what would you feel/do if you were told this? I am the mother of a 14-year-old and still very much in control of my mind. But my body is packing up. Slowly but surely I can do less and less for myself. Now I can't wash myself, have to ask the nurse to bring me the comode to pee and poo beside the bed. I can still feed myself and type on this computer.

It's a taboo subject but I'd love it if some of you could talk about it here and just share any thoughts about living and dying.

I guess I always thought I was invincible... but not so...

I would really like to hear your thoughts on how you would feel if you couldn't walk, wash, prepare food, go outside or take proper care of your children without help

[girlx]

not really sure what can be said here really, but that it seems unfair. though we will all be there someday if we don't get killed off in some kind of an accident first. how old are you nampeung? hmmm i would say make sure to listen to the music you like, read good books, eat your favorite foods, and keep the people around you that you love while you can.

[Nampeung]

Thanks GirlX, I am 47 years old. I am doing the good friends around me thing... luckily am back in UK and all the mates are here and come to see me often

I am in a Hospice and the food is very good although my appetite is very small. The nurses are incredibly caring and there is aromatherapy and massage available. There is a wonderful garden and sometimes I can get an oxygen cylendar and can show visitors around the gardens. I am on morphine every 4 hours and, not sure if it's that, but am starting to lose my ability to spell.

Anyway all the things that seemed important a few months ago are not important now. can't explain the feeling it's very odd

[WaatWang]

Hi Nampeung,

I actually noticed your other thread last night, and it's strange to me, how much it has affected me. You see, even though we have never talked, you have been my teacher. About a year ago, when I started reading posts on ThaiVisa, your posts gave me hope & guidance. I was kind of thrown into moving to Thailand unexpectedly, and met a Thai guy, yadda yadda yadda but I just loved your grace, your sense of humor, and the knowledge & advice contained in your posts. So first let me say, thank you for helping me, even though you did not know you were doing it. I am so sad you are leaving us so soon.

As for your question, I am writing from the experience of my mom’s death, also just over one year ago. She had cancer about 8 years ago, went into remission, then it came back with a vengeance and took over her body. She was very sick and within only a couple months went from living a vibrant life, to hospice. She was not able to stay at home – she had to stay in the hospital.

But my mom was amazing. Like you, she still had her mind, and that is the most important thing. Although this was very difficult for all of us, she made it something special. She couldn’t write herself, but transcribed down advice for people she wanted us to remember – things from her life, things she learned, that she wanted us to remember. She took time with each of us individually and shared with us things she loved about us, and things she wanted us to improve on. Never in a negative way, just to help us grow. And we had the opportunity to tell her what we loved about her as well. Making peace.

She made her room a constant party. She invited everyone she wanted to see before she died and we all went into action to make sure all of them got to visit with her. They had to move her to a bigger room because there were so many people surrounding her all day. Though there were tears, there was a lot of laughter! She asked us to bring special foods, and she ate whatever she wanted. At one point, *only* the chocolate frosting & cream parts of a Boston Crème Donut. J I brought in her radio, and at night when she would go to sleep she would listen to her favorite music. Anything she wanted, she lived like a queen for that last month!

I remember her advice, she said if we had the chance, it was the way to go. Because when you go to someone’s wake and they tell stories about how great that person was, she got to hear it and experience it while she was still alive. I admire her so much for being able to do that, and leave us in that way.

I don’t know if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but maybe you can take comfort in some way from my story. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, even though we’ve never met. I wish you peace and clarity.

[bina]

oh dear, me the pragmatist:

make sure u have arranged as much as u can for your 14 yr old; write letters with your thoughts so that after u have died, he still has the letters. i know for children this can be very important because, try as u like, children feel abandoned after a parent dies even if it isnt logical and even if they were present til the end with the knowledge of incurable disease.

leave him concrete momentos, possibly things that in the future, when he marries, has kids etc, he will have to show for them: ring for when he marries, whatever, if u have these things. they may not be important to him now, or ever, but who knows, they might be very important to him at a later date. you will never know of course, but thats the annoying thing about being dead. theres always something more we want to know that we wont know or we arent sure we will know once we are dead.

its wierd actually as in the israeli jewish culture i would say we have a cult of death (for many obvious reasons actually); every person who dies, the friends make a memory book of poems pics anecdotes and hand it out to the close relatives and friends (it can be photocopied or privately published). this is more common among soldiers who died but also , here on kibbutz, two different women died of cancer and both did their own book, previous to their death. they both drew pics, wrote prose and poetry, wrote farewell letters (one woman actually had hers put up on the kibbutz bulletin board in the dining room, every day there was a new drawing/scribble with a thought from her-- she also wrote to all her children, every day as she had teenage children and one in the army at the time). an other guy, active with lung cancer almost until the last month of death, started to organize a map room, since he was a geographer and hiker, he organized on the kibbutz a room for hikers doing the north/south trail that passes thru our kibbutz, to sleep over, with many of his favorite hiking books, maps etc in the room. a living memorial. his children (also one still was in teen years) helped him organize it physically. now an other woman is slowly dying (all three with breast cancer, one sudden, one had long remission, one combined with lung cancer)and she is also as active with sort of organizing her farewell and memory pool for the future, for her grandkids that she probably wont see being born.

what i found unusual in thailand was i had asked anon's mother about her brothers and sisters, she said most had died, and why was i even interested. they were dead. past history among many of these old timers seems to not really exist in the way i know it. the 'impermanence' way of life and death.

to me it was refreshing after 25 yrs of army memorial days, holocaust memorial day events, 30 day anniversary of death, one year anniversary of death, yearly day of death -- and people here go to all of them. the motto here, from the holocaust is - every person has a name, and never forget. so even the youngest of children is involved with death here from an early age-- the ceremonial side, that is. israelis love to have a good cry...

so i guess apart from preparing financially, physically and logistically for your son, the rest is how u want him to remember u in the future, and how the others around him will help him remember you (or go for the impermanence theory, therefore, death is peace, sabai sabai-- as my husband says) ...

not sure if this gave u any ideas , im not much on spiritual help ...

bina

israel

[eek]

Hey you ladies in Thailand etc,There has been a thread running about me in another forum for a while but I'd like to broaden it out if I may because my mind is all over the place about it and I'd relly like to know your thoughts on the subject - it's not one we often discuss but it could prove useful.

In the last month or so doctors have told me I don't have long to live - please don't bother to ask why, it's an incurable disease called Bronchiectasis if anyone want to Google it.

What do you all think? How/what would you feel/do if you were told this? I am the mother of a 14-year-old and still very much in control of my mind. But my body is packing up. Slowly but surely I can do less and less for myself. Now I can't wash myself, have to ask the nurse to bring me the comode to pee and poo beside the bed. I can still feed myself and type on this computer.

It's a taboo subject but I'd love it if some of you could talk about it here and just share any thoughts about living and dying.

I guess I always thought I was invincible... but not so...

I would really like to hear your thoughts on how you would feel if you couldn't walk, wash, prepare food, go outside or take proper care of your children without help

Your Iife has been cut short Nampeung, but have Iook back on your Iife and on the choices you made. Often we are surprised by how much we have done. SmaII and big achievements. With one huge achievement and Iegacy being a chiId. I hope too to have a chiId one day. In your 47 years, you may have Iived a fuIIer Iife than many. Iook back with pride and satisfaction. Maybe document some cherished memories in some way, for your son, and his future famiIy..? PhysicaIIy your body is unabIe, but mentaIIy you have great cIarity. Im sure your famiIy and friends are gIad to have the 'reaI' you with them, your body is onIy the vesseI. Never feeI ashamed, focus on the things you can do, rather than the things you cannot, rise above what is happening to you physicaIIy, and maintain your dignity and pride. I hope everyday brings you much joy.

[IanForbes]

How terribly sad. But, if I can offer just one suggestion it is to have someone video tape your talks with your child and anyone who loves you. Don't dwell on the bad things, but talk about the good times. Talk frankly and in depth if as long as you are able. At least your child will then have something to watch and remember you by when you are gone.

It's a good idea for other people who are NOT sick as well, but have children and grand children.

[Ijustwannateach]

I would say if there are any family secrets/traditions now is the time to pass them on. Recipes, legends, histories, heirlooms. Some of these things maybe should be timed for later, as Bina suggested.

[Goinghomesoon]

Nampeung my thoughts are with you. My adopted 11 year old daughter lived with her first mother while she was sick and came to us after her mum passed away. She suggested

- family heirooms - let your child choose something. It might be an old t-shirt that has your smell or a funny picture. My daughter said it might be a rock that you picked up on a beach together somewhere, or a special photo. It probably won't be what you expect him to choose!

- cards or letters. She thought a card or note for each major event (high school graduation, wedding, birth of first child etc).

- video. She said video is more "real" than a picture because the person can move and speak and makes you remember things better.

- some ritual that your son can 'own'. My daughter writes notes to her mum and then burns them in a candle flame. She calls it sending her wishes up to heaven.

But you know what she really wants more than anything? To have had more hugs from her mum before she died. That one we know you can do. Take care.

[kat]

Nampeung:

I felt sick reading this. I wrote you a note on the other thread. I think WaatWang and Goinghomesoon have left some great suggestions. You have a lifetime of things to tell your boy now, even before he's ready; but, they will be there when he is ready and he will be so glad.

I'll be back tomorrow.

[Ijustwannateach]

My Dad died very unexpectedly when I was a teenager. I wish I had had the chance to ask him a LOT of questions (and that he would have known the end was coming and so to answer frankly and honestly). I would make sure that your son had that chance (along with the hugs!)

[girlx]

i was just thinking about this again... my ex boyfriend (and first serious relationship) died of cystic fibrosis. i would imagine it is quite similar to what you are experiencing. i am amazed that you can keep up such a positive attitude, faced with your own demise (i certainly couldn't!)... he was like that too though, probably one of the happiest and most "alive" people i have ever known... anyway, i agree with others that making videos would be a great thing to do, for your own therapy and to leave for your loved ones. also, consider a blog- you can start one for free at blogger.com. you can upload pics, and it is also therapeutic to write down your thoughts, and good for posterity. good luck, chin up...

[Nampeung]

Thanks ALL of you so far!!! Lots of great advice... some of it we are already doing Some of it stil needs to be put in place.

It's so hard cos the docs cant say exactly 'when' for the dying moments but they have assessed it enough to place me in a Hospice for palliative care. I remember people next to me in hospital being told they had 48 hours to live... gosh how on earth does a doctor know that???

Anyway let's try to have a chat about it without being too morbid if we can?!!!

Obviously I am ultimately comcerned about my son after I am gone but I am also a little bit scared for myself... like, what's it going to feel like? Will it be quick? Will it be painful? Will I be aware of what's happening?

[Nampeung]

Thanks GirlX - yes my consultant did say the my condition is very similar to Cystic Fibrosis ( so sorry for your ex boyfriend). Because it's a lack of breath/oxygen issue I am really scared about the last momentsIt's got to the point where I am being asked if I want to be resusitated (can;t spell any more) and if I want IV drugs for anopther infection - have said no to both. I am tired living like this, very tired now. People who know people with CF know what this condition is like, it's hard work and constant. Thanks for your support X

[sbk]

My dad is in the same position as yourself Nampeung, he has COPD (chronic bronchitis and emphysema) and has also requested no resuscitation. He had a hard day today and it was very hard for me to watch. But, I can love him and be grateful to still have him around.

Best thing to do for your son is love him as much as you can. Maybe sit down with him and go over photo albums and talk about all your happy memories, tell him the funny stories from your childhood, kids love these stories and that way he has memories of his mother to pass on to his own children some day.

[Gaccha]

I think you should be teaching us what your experience has told you.

Noone on their deathbed says "if only I had bought a Mercedes". You have already hinted that family and friends are what count in life.

As an atheist I believe strongly that when you are gone you are gone. That this is not a dress rehearsal. So don't damage your time left with pointless rituals. Attend to your family.

Here is a nice quote from Alain de Botton:

"Contrary to what an optimistic mind set teaches us, everything will in fact turn out for the worst. We will die, our achievements will be forgotten, everything we've strived for will be ignored, and perhaps mocked and even our names will be stamped into the ground. Whatever our status, we're all fated to end up that most democratic of substances, dust. There is no wealth, said John Ruskin, but life, including all its powers of love, joy and of admiration."

I have never believed that the little moments of happiness make up for the fact that we must all face our extinction. You are falling off this mortal coil perhaps faster than me, but every single person on this forum today will be dust within 100 years. Within 200 years almost no one will ever think about them. Within 1000 years they will mean nothing. But I want you to know this rather depressing view of life is actually uplifting. You do not need to worry about what others think of you. You are the equal of all others. Nothing you have done will be remembered. So if a classmate is now a multi-billionaire or a famous writer, don't worry, they will also be forgotten.

I feel you might want to read these books to set your mind at rest:

The Selfish Gene-- Richard Dawkins

Breaking the Spell-- Daniel Dennett

The loss of happiness in market democracies-- Robert Lane

Unweaving the rainbow-- Richard Dawkins

These through an examination of the World answer the big questions.

I am deliberately rejecting 'spirituality'. Spirituality is a nonsense. It is a rejection of rational thinking and the use of frivolity to explain a complex world. (Please read Unweaving the Rainbow to understand the emptiness of spirituality) Spiritual people argue that the rational in looking at the world logically and in trying to dig for answers lose the beauty of the world. They do not see the rainbow, only the equations to explain the different colours. This argument is wrong. There is nothing more astonishing than understanding the origins of the rainbow, understanding why the world is how it is. Every religious attempt to answer these questions has proved to be less awe-inspiring than the truth. The Abrahamic religions said the World was built by God and they made no mention of the Universe. It turns out we are in a Universe 13.8 billion years old. With 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars. The truth is always more exciting than the empytness of the vacuity of spirituality.

So, why are we here? Well, that question has several meanings. But strictly speaking, we are a transport and survival mechanism for our DNA. The DNA does not know it exists. But you can also answer the question by pointing to the beauty of life.

I hope you have time to contemplate reality. But try to make the most of your family.

[kat]

Gaccha, I really enjoyed your post and thought it was an extrodinary and powerful way to explain the wonders of our existence. I mostly agree with you, but, I don't equate spirituality with religion. I think organized religion is nonsense and a crude mechanism used to control the masses. But, for me, spirituality comes from within and without, and is the very reason why I can feel the wonder of being alive and connected to all that is alive as well.

It would be disappointing if you dismissed that as nonsense.

Edited June 9, 2009 by kat

[rixalex]

Anyway let's try to have a chat about it without being too morbid if we can?!!!

Obviously I am ultimately comcerned about my son after I am gone but I am also a little bit scared for myself... like, what's it going to feel like? Will it be quick? Will it be painful? Will I be aware of what's happening?

Hey again Nampeung,

I'm not a girl but hope you forgive me crashing onto this thread.

Just wanted to say that i think your comment about not wanting to get too morbid actually in a nutshell is how you should try to approach the coming months/weeks. Of course it's completely natural for people facing death to give it thought, but at the end of the day, we are all facing death, and whether a person has decades remaining or just a few minutes, time spent thinking about what it will be like is time that could be spent much more productively and positively.

Death is out of your control - it's out of all of our control - so don't give it the satisfaction of distracting you from the important things. Now you do have life, whilst many thousands sadly will have already died today throughout the world - focus on what you do have now, not what you are going to lose.

Savour and cherish each day. Enjoy each day as it comes and forget about tomorrow. Noone knows what that will bring.

Praying for you always (in a non-religious kind of way!)

[Lancelot]

I am really sorry to hear about your situation, life can be pretty unpredictable sometimes. I'm at a loss for words but my humble contribution would be to give your son some special keep sake of yours and tell him that every time he looks at or touches it he will know that you are still with him and love him.

[Goinghomesoon]

Anyway let's try to have a chat about it without being too morbid if we can?!!!

Obviously I am ultimately comcerned about my son after I am gone but I am also a little bit scared for myself... like, what's it going to feel like? Will it be quick? Will it be painful? Will I be aware of what's happening?

Oh it's not morbid at all Nampeung. I'm sure we all have these questions but push them to the back of our minds until it is necessary to address them. Do those around you have answers? I'm sure your palliative carers will work their utmost to make sure you are comfortable and pain-free.

Is there anything we here at TV can do for you, after all you have done for us?

Edited June 9, 2009 by Goinghomesoon

[eek]

And hello again on this thread Nampeung!

As I mentioned in the other thread, would be great if you were to give more info about yourself (more or less than the other thread..up to you!). But, I think people would like to get a more complete picture of you.

You are talking frankly and honestly, so i will do the same, and I hope you do not take offense when I say I dont want to know and remember you just as the lady who is sick and dying. Of course I admire your courage and strength, and i will always remember that, but again, its only one side. So, would be nice if you feel like sharing some other aspects. Write anything you like..for if there is any time where a person shouldnt worry about what others think, this is it, no?

One more thing, you actually pop into my thoughts quite often lately. Particularly if im feeling lazy about something (again, sorry, im being quite honest here). I chastise myself because the words you have written come to my mind and i feel ashamed of my apathy. Keep your strength up (emotionally), you are a great inspiration. Look forward to reading your next post x

[girlx]

great posts from gaccha and kat

[suegha]

As I alluded in the 'other' thread, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

[mssabai]

Nampeung, it's hard to know what to say to you as I have never been in your position. The closest I can relate it to is my stepmother dying of a very fast progressing cancer 5 years ago. She was an amazing lady and faught her illness with great strength and dignity. She left two amazing children in my brother and step sister (25 and 15 respectively) who both miss her deeply.

The main thing that comes to mind about her death and legacy, was not anything that she did whilst she was dying, but more all the strength and love she had given to her children throughout her life with them. This is what they remember about her. I cannot add any more to what you have already been suggested to leave - letters and photos and keepsakes etc are all important. But most important to your child is the role that you have played in their life - this is what he will remember. I am constantly amazed at my little brother, now 20, who has become this amazing adult who is kind and loving and ambitious and just a wonderful human. For him to have got through this step into adult hood with such success without his mum is sheer testament to the work that she had already done.

Enjoy every second, tell your son many many stories about your life together, especially ones from when he was too young to remember, maybe even record some on a tape. The story I have heard again and again from my own mum is the story of my birth, and it always helps to remind me of what I have to thank my mother for, and humbles me, and makes me realize how special and wanted I was. Just knowing that we are loved is one of the singular most important gifts that we can be given.

In peace x

[rixalex]

Just knowing that we are loved is one of the singular most important gifts that we can be given.

So true. But actually i'd go one step further. It's not one of the most important gifts - it is the most important gift and without it, life is completely meaningless.

Seonai, for your son to know that he is the most special thing in your life and that you love him unconditionally, will stay with him forever and inspire him in times of need and in times of joy.

Hope you are having a good day - please do tell us all about it when you have the strength.

[mssabai]

I think you should be teaching us what your experience has told you.

Noone on their deathbed says "if only I had bought a Mercedes". You have already hinted that family and friends are what count in life.

As an atheist I believe strongly that when you are gone you are gone. That this is not a dress rehearsal. So don't damage your time left with pointless rituals. Attend to your family.

Gaccha, I am interested in your post and your beliefs. As an a-religious person who does not believe in God, I can sympathise with the rationalistic approach to life and death. However I have just the same reaction to your post as I would if it had been written by a born again christian, who was trying to persuade her that there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I firmly believe that religion/spirituality/or the lack of it is an intensely personal decision. People make their own belief structures for their life according to their life experiences. They may have their roots in religion, they may not, but unless these beliefs are hurting anyone else, I don't see why someone finding comfort in a belief of their being something bigger should be discouraged - especially if they are facing what Nampeung is. Why would her or her family finding comfort in a ritual be 'damaging'?

Personally I don't believe in an after life, or a God. I do however read 'spiritualist' books occasionally and even religious texts. Some I find are drivel, some are exceptionally helpful. I live by a set of rules derived from a number of different sources...many religious or spiritual at root. I have no God to be scared of if I break these, only myself - but I cannot say that I am in no way spiritual or religious (if you believe these are one and the same).

I do have real issues with many dogmatic, organised religion and do adhere to the view that organised religion is a form of social control. However I think a person's own spiritual decisions should be allowed to exist in whatever form they want and that this should be celebrated not sneered at.

There was a recent advertising campaign in the UK run by an athiest group that I strongly disapproved of. It essentially said "there is no God" in very large letters. I just have no idea why someone would see pay money to aim to take away a faith in someone that they feel helps them, if it is giving no harm to them. It struck me as being like a bully stealing sweets of a child and throwing them away... pointless. Before I saw that poster I felt myself to be an athiest, but as soon as I saw it I began to think of athiests as just another zealot group trying to convert me.

[Gaccha]

I think you should be teaching us what your experience has told you.

Noone on their deathbed says "if only I had bought a Mercedes". You have already hinted that family and friends are what count in life.

As an atheist I believe strongly that when you are gone you are gone. That this is not a dress rehearsal. So don't damage your time left with pointless rituals. Attend to your family.

Gaccha, I am interested in your post and your beliefs. As an a-religious person who does not believe in God, I can sympathise with the rationalistic approach to life and death. However I have just the same reaction to your post as I would if it had been written by a born again christian, who was trying to persuade her that there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I firmly believe that religion/spirituality/or the lack of it is an intensely personal decision. People make their own belief structures for their life according to their life experiences. They may have their roots in religion, they may not, but unless these beliefs are hurting anyone else, I don't see why someone finding comfort in a belief of their being something bigger should be discouraged - especially if they are facing what Nampeung is. Why would her or her family finding comfort in a ritual be 'damaging'?

Personally I don't believe in an after life, or a God. I do however read 'spiritualist' books occasionally and even religious texts. Some I find are drivel, some are exceptionally helpful. I live by a set of rules derived from a number of different sources...many religious or spiritual at root. I have no God to be scared of if I break these, only myself - but I cannot say that I am in no way spiritual or religious (if you believe these are one and the same).

I do have real issues with many dogmatic, organised religion and do adhere to the view that organised religion is a form of social control. However I think a person's own spiritual decisions should be allowed to exist in whatever form they want and that this should be celebrated not sneered at.

There was a recent advertising campaign in the UK run by an athiest group that I strongly disapproved of. It essentially said "there is no God" in very large letters. I just have no idea why someone would see pay money to aim to take away a faith in someone that they feel helps them, if it is giving no harm to them. It struck me as being like a bully stealing sweets of a child and throwing them away... pointless. Before I saw that poster I felt myself to be an athiest, but as soon as I saw it I began to think of athiests as just another zealot group trying to convert me.

Let me have a try at grappling with these points. They have considerable analystical purchase.

The question is should you let someone believe something if it is not true when it does no harm? Well, my point is it does do harm. By believing there is something next (an afterlife/reincarnation) they must constantly examine the life they have led, cosntantly questioning and comparing themselves to others. The Abrahamic Gods are nasty, spiteful and unforgiving. You are doomed to fail by their criteria. They demand you love your neighbours as you love yourself. An impossible demand. Their dictator in the sky does bring harm.

But I also think it is right to encourage people to discover reality. It is there to be found. You only have to note that those who know it the best (the scientists who are members of the Royal Society and other elite science groups) are invariably atheist. This is not a fluke. It is the outcome of their observations. There is no need for a bearded man in the sky, for humans with elephant heads, for reincarnation. I feel I have a moral duty to provide pointers so that before people cease to exist they know why they existed.

My post is to say there is not light at the end of the tunnel, for anyone, so you need not worry. Complete nothingness seems to me to be better than ending up for eternity with all those relatives who you couldn't stand at your Christmas dinner.

The spirituality mentioned by Kat and missabai is probably something I have no qualms with. If it means to look for beauty in the everyday, to find contentment with smelling fresh flowers, or pausing in comtemplation of hearing the morning bird chorus then I am a big fan. The spirituality that worries me is the one that claims rational analysis of the world lack something, that to unravel the secrets fo the world makes it less fulfilling. This idea I reject.

As for the Humanist Society advert I think they did it in good-humour. They actually said "there is probably no God, so don't worry". That does not feel like badgering to me. I recommend the website to their magazine: www.newhumanist.org.uk

This is obviously the most important thinking of people's lives. It never ceases to amaze me how little thought has really gone into it by so many. It is just too scary. I really think reading 'Breaking the Spell' may cause a few eureka moments. It imagines religions as superbly adapted metaphorical viruses that have over centuries of evolution created the best narratives that allow them to replicate the most. If you believe any group-religion you are being played.

[WaiWai]

Hello Nampeung,

You have received some great suggestions here regarding your son.

You seem to be dealing with most of all this experience very well.

It seems to me it might be helpful for you to press your doctors a little for a more accurate prediction of the time you have left, and what you may experience whem death does approach. Importantly, you should be told if pain/extreme discomfort can be expected and how this can/will be dealt with.

There's a huge cautiousness about allowing people to die peacefully and without pain or excessive degeneration. I have never understood this. I think everyone should have the right to decide when they want to "leave", and even be provided at birth with a pill that will allow them to leave before suffering becomes unbearable. And there are ways ...

I hope one of the moderators can ask Sheryl (of the Medical Forum) to advise.

Best wishes. I had fairly severe asthma as a kid, so I do have some idea of what you are going through.

Cheers and best wishes.

[Sheryl]

First of all a reminder to all posters that this thread should be centered on the expressed question/needs of the OP and not turned into a forum for religious debate.

Nampeung as one who has done a lot of hospice nursing and seen perhaps a thousand deaths or so, what I can tell you is:

1. The actual moment of dying is not at all painful or difficult. Any difficulties occur before that and arise not from the dying but from the body's attempts to stay alive. At a certain point these efforts stop (this is when we often describe the patient as "actively dying") and from there on it is easy all the way. In the period before that, while your body is still fighting, in a case like yours where the cause of death is respiratory, pain would be unusual but some anxiety or fear can arise as an instinctive response to not getting enough oxygen. However, morphine works wonders for that, in addition to being an excellent pain killer it also removes the anxiety specifica to trouble breathing. As you are in a hospice and have chosen against resucitation you can expect that they will adjust your diosage as needed to keep you comfortable. (the right choice, resucitation would entail suffering.)

Actually death from respiratory failure is one of the easiest ways to go. As you get less and less oxygen tio your brain, your sense will gradually dim.

2. You will not, from any outward appearance, be awke or alert at the moment you die, but I obviously can't say what the inner experience will be like. I can only tell you that people dying of these types of causes outwardly appear asleep/unconscious before the end. But it is possible that they are having some internal experiences. We do know from people who have recovered from acute hypoxic (lack of oxygen) experiences- - drowning and such -- that some report having experienced nothing and others report various mental experiences, sometimes vivid. For some people these involve very profound and/or pleasant things. The one thing none of them report is having had any sort of bodily sensation. There won't be at that point. ALso at that point usually not aware of the external environment.

If it is possible for you to arrange from where you are, I would really encourage you to get either some instruction in medititation and/or to have a course of hypnotherapy. Both of those would help you experience altered mental states. In hypnosis you go into a trance state where there is little or no bodily sensation, which may be similiar to what will come at the end. the benefit of doing it now as a guided process is that it will help remove the fear. Also, you can even get hypno suggestions that tell you to be calm and tranquil. Or, if you are able to learn meditation, you will have a technique for calming your mind already.

In short: it will not hurt physically. You won't be awake in the conventional sense or to all appearances, you may or may not still be having mental expereinces and if so, they will be whatever your mind makes them.

The process of dying is one of letting go, you will naturally start in the days ahead to have less and less interest in things that used to matter and to withdraw from other people, even those who were dearest to you. So I would echo what others have said about maximizing time with your son now. You will find that as you get closer to death you wuill not have the inclination or energy to do so. Might help to also explain this to your son and prepare him. In TV and movies dying people stay intensely connecetd to others up to their final words but it is not usually like that in real life. The dying person starts to separate pyschologically from everything and everyone around them, bit by bit. This can be hard on relatives who do not really begin the separation process until aftyer the death. Thing is, they can wait fior the death to go through the separation process because they will still be there to do so; the dying person needs to go through that process before hand. The hospice nurses will understand all this and be able to respond appropriately.

[rixalex]

^^ Fantastic advice and insight as always from Sheryl. I'm sure your words will have a profound affect and a great deal of comfort will be taken from them.