Kiddies

[eek]

At 36, I thought I would have had kids by now, but as I dont feel fully settled, its something that Im still putting off. But, its on my mind, not all the time, but often (and why is it if you have a broody moment, thats when you see pregnant women around, or mothers with young babies?! ). Im a bit worried about getting older in terms having kids. I still think of myself as 20-something , but, obviously internally my body isnt. Concerned about complications down the line as I get close to 40.

Did any of you have children later in life? Or, did you have quite young? Or, not at all? Or, just not yet? Those who had kids, did you have them in Thailand?

Any thoughts you would like to share about having children, or why you have chosen not to?

Broody moment.

Edited June 12, 2009 by eek

[sbk]

Ah, I hear this all the time. "Why don't you have kids?" "You should have kids" etc etc etc etc

For me it was always a "we can have them later" thing, neither of us ever felt ready to have them. I believe that you should be willing to do everything you can to give your child the best start in life and that entails sacrifices. Neither I nor my husband were willing to make those sacrifices.

It was a mutual decision -- my husband isn't particularly fond of kids and wasn't willing to get involved in the dirty work. I wasn't willing to do it alone and neither was I willing to let my kids go to school on Koh Phangan. As I am not a believer in sending your kids off to boarding school to be raised by someone else, it would have meant a move to the US.

It was always a decision that would be made later. Finally, we both realized we weren't going to be changing our minds, so we just never had them.

TBH, I believe people should have kids because they really want them, not because its the done thing. I never had a desperate desire to have children, and neither did my husband, so we don't have kids.

[MiG16]

Eek

I cant share personal experience, but since in the last year Ive met people with slightly different thoughts, sharing with you might give you a new idea?

(they certainly gave me new perspectives to think of)

as someone who is still young (but more due to the fact that Ive not really been in any real long term relationship) Ive never really thought about children. However someone I worked with in Aus (not sure her age...but she could be close to 40?) said to me: you should think about freezing your eggs. (shes an Aussie)

I began thinking she does have a practical point. (No I havent paid it any further thoughts, but I think those that want to have kids and are not ready yet should explore this idea)

another person in Aus (south american) said to me: we dont want to have kids, but later on we might adopt, or simply adopt without adopting (as per the world vision or similar where you offer financial support ona continuing basis, but not necessarily the daily involvement). She said to me: There are so many people in this world that already dont have enough. if I have more than I can afford, perhaps I can help them.

again, an interesting view point.

Im not saying others will not prefer to have children of their own, but certainly an option for those who are not so keen?

on another note:

not someone I know personally, but a woman married to an uncle of someone I kinda know (haha yeh long route connection)

anyhow, hes 50, 2 teenage kids. shes 44, never been married. suddenly she was pregnant. she had an ok pregnancy, nothing out of the ordinary in terms of difficulty. gave birth in Feb I think, and all seems to work out fine.

I suppose with advances in technology these days things become a lot more feasible?

I remember when I was a teen people used to talk about how if you havent had kids by 30 then you are in trouble. Later it was if you are older than 35 the chances of getting pregnant are very difficult. These days I see lots of women who are no where near having a family at the age of 35.

good luck Eek and yeh I think you still look like in your 20s too the younger YOU are, the younger it makes ME

(eek is older than me, but Im not telling my age )

Disclaimer: Ive mentioned ethnic/nationality simply to clarify that the alternative views can come from people of different backgrounds. Not intended to be any kind of stereotype

[eek]

Thanks for the replies

Sbk - Only about 5 years ago, kids were still not on my mind. I dont know why, but this last couple of years is like some biological clock started ticking! But, I agree with you whole heartedly, that it should be something that you really want, and not what is expected of you. In my last relationship I was asked that question a lot "Why have you guys not had kids yet" etc..but with different things going on, we just werent ready. I think unless an 'accident' its better to prepare and plan and know that having kids is what you really want. I think they are a persons biggest responsibility and commitment in life. If I ever do have kids, they will be my priority. I completely understand your decision.

Migs - Great reply. I never thought about the idea of freezing my eggs. I guess part of me wants the whole experience to be 'natural' or as natural as it can be. But, you have given me something to think about. If I still dont have a kid in a few years from now I might consider it (although I guess my eggs would be less fertile/healthy by then..?). Although I do read about women getting pregnant in their forties, ideally I would rather be in a situation where i feel i can have one before i turn 40. Just that i imagine it may be more difficult the older a woman gets, not just in terms of conception and a healthy pregnancy, but also in terms of age whilst your child is growing up. Ie: baby at 45 = 10 year old at 55 = 20 year old at 65. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but Im concerned about having a huge age gap and being an older mum. If I have a kiddy, i would also like to be fit and well enough to enjoy any grandkids that might come along too. But it is always reassuring to read about older mums who have had no complications. I also imagine that being an older mum could be an advantage in many ways..particularly if a planned pregnancy. As the mum is likely to have had some life/career experience, as well as some financial security, so most likely feels content with that side of her life, and just wants to focus on being a mum?

But, I could be talking utter rubbish too. For, having never been a parent, what do i know!

[rixalex]

I was wondering (and asking) the same sort of thing last year. Still don't know the answer though!

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Procreate-No...mp;hl=procreate

Perhaps not knowing the answer, is the answer...

Edited June 12, 2009 by rixalex

[Boo]

In my teens & 20's I was never interested in having kids & said at thaat time that I probably wouldn't have any. Once I met Mr Boo & he was very keen on kids I warmed to the idea but still didn't have any great urge. When we made the descision to at least try to have one I got more & more used to the idea & of course once I got pregnant I was very happy. Now baby Boo is 2 years old & of course I couldn't imagine my life without him but the question "when are you going to have another one" gets asked all the time.

Honestly, I don't know, I have no clock ticking or physical desire to be pregnant again (sorry to all those earth mothers but I didn't find it pleasant at all) and labour was horrible too but I am toying with the idea of giving baby boo a sibling & I know once/if that one comes I will love it just as much & never regret having it the same with baby boo.

As for my age, I was 26 when met Mr Boo & had baby boo at 32. BUT.....it took us 3 years to conceive (as in we used nothing for 3 years but I wasnt taking temps or timing cycles or anything ) so I would say, IF it is playing on your mind enough then dont delay, cause most "normal" couples conceive within a year so that makes you 37 before you will even really have a good indication if you need any medical intervention or that there might be something wrong with you that will take longer to conceive.

I have 2 very very close & wonderful friends who left it too late, one of them started trying in her late 30's with her ltbf & found out after a year that she had a very serious medical issue in her fallopian tubes & due to her age she was refused IVF & told to just foget it. They did say that had she found out earlier her condition could have been caught & treated, the other just plodded along & at 40 thought, "shit, I really want a baby" but by then she had left it too late & 3 years later, without any realy medical reason to prevent it, she still isn't pregnant & again, has been refused IVF (and cant afford to go private)

These stories aren't to scare you but to say, if you think you want kids as apposed to not really caring one way or another, then you don't have the luxury of time so my advise if to just go for at & at the very least have a full fertility check up.

[PattayaParent]

Ah, I hear this all the time. "Why don't you have kids?" "You should have kids" etc etc etc etc

<snip>

And it won't ever stop 'cos as soon as the first one pops it's head out it's "when are you having another one, you should have another one etc. etc."

[icequeen]

I'm glad someone raised this topic as it's something that crops up very often in conversation, people ask why we have been married for 10 years and not had kids, answer I don't want kids. Then I get really strange looks and most people ask why are you married if you don't want kids (particularly thai ladies can't understand this)

I want to party forever not change nappies, or make sacrifices for a child, I truthfully cannot understand why anyone would want children, to me they are just a burden.

I really hope my views don't offend anyone because that is not my intention, I am just telling it how I see it.

[Goinghomesoon]

Interesting ask. I'm 38 next month and have never once - not once - felt the biological urge. I am not remotely interested in babies.

But one day, many moons ago, I was volunteering at an orphanage and a 5 year old boy clung onto me & looked up at me. It was a "KA-CHING" penny-drop moment. I don't like babies, but I do adore older children. Ones that walk and talk! And that's how I came to adoption.

I don't think the biological urge is 'required' to be a great parent.

(Hey Boo if you want another, the UK has a Thai adoption program... )

[bina]

funny u all mentioned that; i just got back from thailand two weeks ago (seems like years ago...) and the rumour went around that i was pregnant... people on kibbutz still keep asking me how i feel, with a long meaningful look at me... others just ask me outright... as a 47 yr old kibbutznik woman just had twins, its not improbable (she did the ivf but she had never had kids and neither had her partner so she was elligable on the insurance plus program and the kibbutz foot the extra expenses for all the addtional medical stuff-- he is 50, and we were never sure if he could actually do anything , and no, he never showed interested in men either-- he was always a sort of kibbutz joke, we called him 'the vegetable' as he never responded to men or women); his parents, holocaust survivors , are over the moon as finally have a 'two for one' set of grandkids.

everyone here is always pregnant and people would consider it par for the course if i got pregnant, and many ask why i dont try to get the health committee to approve ivf expenses for me. , but husband isnt thrilled with anything not 'natural'.

in israel it is a very very difficult thing to not be pregnant during childbearing years as you see pregnant women and toddlers and babies in arms are everywhere u go and childbirth is promoted by the government, with special stores for large families (over 4). 3-6 kids is an average for families. orthodox jewish families will have more i know several families with 11+!!1 i find even now that i seem to 'see' more pregnant women all over, as i near the 'dead end' age .

OTH, physically i get more tired and have less patience so being a parent at this age i think would be difficult. i am glad i had my three (previous husband) when in 20's, as young kids need more physical energy. teenagers and young adults need more psychological energy.

i actually tried to spot pregnant thai women and didnt see too many. had thought about adoption but israel is diffiult with its religious requirements (forced conversion for out of country children) and husband told me his ' banork' family would never except an adopted child not from his family although personally he has no problems with that. at moment have my three plus a 'sort of' adopted kid from the arab village near us (he is 50%/50% arab/jewish israeli with all the problems that creates).

i never really liked other peoples' kids but really enjoyed having mine, pregnancies werent too bad, births were great, no major health issues (asthma allergies thats about it), some learning disabilities in all three, but still, easy kids for the most part. HOWEVER, ive seen families break up because of huge health/psychological handicap problems in a child creating a financial and emotional strain on the family unit... and as your age and the age of your partner goes up, so do the chances of problems, and therefore major decisions like to abort or not (depending on your country, religious and personal persuasion, not to mention financial capabilities to deal). so ive let nature take its course, i was pregnant with anon twice but only got as far as two months each time... so my hormones must be lower already.

instead, i guess i will help out with the nephews/nieces by 'remote control' , with some financial help and supplies when needed for ensuring decent schooling at least. there were two kids out of his family that i really liked and have potential with a little help from us, so will attempt to stay in mild contact to follow their development as much as we can w/o interfering with the parents.

my oldest has already informed me that now that she is getting out of army, the work/trip around the world/ move in with boyfriend/study plan kicked into gear, and it doesnt contain any grandkids in the scheme of things for the next 10 yrs. i.e she will be 30+. so i will just have to have puppies i guess.

bina

israel

[eek]

Funny you should say that goinghomesoon, for me it was kinda the opposite effect. A few years back I ran a childrens Art club part-time, and I adored the kids, but I never had a "KA-CHING" moment. I guess whilst I had them, i got a sort of kiddy fix, then I could go home again to my partner and kitties, and be glad of the relative quiet. It was enough for me. Maybe my being more broody, is that I no longer have kids in my life to that degree anymore. I do get what you mean about older kids, I had a serious "KA-CHING" moment recently when a friends niece came to stay with her. Shes 4 and completely adorable. Reminded me of my own niece a few years ago. Just made me day-dream about having my own mini-me. But, I guess the reality of having your own kids is different from "borrowing" some. To be honest, the commitment also scares me!

Boo, your words about not having the luxury of time, is exactly my worry. But, so much is unsteady in my life at present. Its a tough one. I am just not willing to bring a child into a situation that isnt steady, or at least steady enough. Im not happy about that, but hopefully I will have a more concrete idea no later than a year from now. Ah well!

Great stories guys, interesting to read different perspectives.

edit: Just saw your reply bina. I read that past the age of 35 the chances of having a child with a disability start to rise. Concerns me of course. You mention the 47 year old woman in your kibbutz having twins, i gather as you did not mention, that both babies were born without any disability? Its interesting too about how different countries/cultures perceive what age is the 'norm' to have kids. In the UK i always had the distinct impression that kids should be seen and not heard. Something you should do out of the way, and later on in life. But, in countries such as Argentina (where my brother lives and where his kids were born) and here, it seems that its normal to have kids early/young. My bf actually asked me not so long ago when we talked about the possibility of kids, why I did not have any before. Having 3 kids of his own (16, 14, 13) he found it unusual that at my age I did not yet have any.

Aff..on the TV just now, the BBC guy just said his wife just had a baby. Typical!

Edited June 12, 2009 by eek

[Boo]

Boo, your words about not having the luxury of time, is exactly my worry. But, so much is unsteady in my life at present. Its a tough one. I am just not willing to bring a child into a situation that isnt steady, or at least steady enough. Im not happy about that, but hopefully I will have a more concrete idea no later than a year from now. Ah well!

Eek, these are practically the exact same reasons why my friends who are no longer in a position to have kids said & my sister has 2 freinds who are also in their late 30's, now without partners who said the same. Both are now considering going down the sperm donor route to get pregnant cause they can't see that their lives will becomes the way they would hope to bring a child into, in time for them to be able to wait so are just planning on going for it to fullful their dream of motherhood.

Both of these women are clucky though, so maybe in a different mindset to you.

But TBH, stability or not, once you have a kid, you cope. Fact

[eek]

But TBH, stability or not, once you have a kid, you cope. Fact

Haha, I'm sure!

[Patsycat]

A friend of mine who at 43 and does not have a partner, last year she went for invitro in Barcelona and is now the proud mum of two bouncing boys. They were born a bit premature but are now healthy and thriving. I must admit I am just a tad jealous - but now I am too old and set in my spinster ways to even think about it!!

Mind you, there was that woman in England who gave birth at 66... So I have 20 years to think about it ....

[Gaccha]

There are good reasons why having a baby at 17 is nature's preferred choice:

Risk of chromosomal abnormality (by age of Mother)

20 1 in 526

30 1 in 384

40 1 in 66

50 1 in 8

Risk of Downs syndrome (by age of Mother)

20 1 in 1667

30 1 in 952

40 1 in 106

50 1 in 11

(reference: Merck Medical manual)

And note:

"As women delay childbearing, there is now an unrealistic expectation that medical science can undo the effects of aging". (American Society for Reproductive Medicine )

And then there are infertility rates:

By age 30, 7% of couples were infertile <LI>By age 35, 11% of couples were infertile <LI>By age 40, 33% of couples were infertile <LI>At age 45, 87% of couples were infertile

"For several reasons, infertility rates are higher in the general population in the U.S. today than for the population above studied by Tietze in the 1950s."

(Reference: Tietze C: Reproductive span and rate of conception among Hutterite women. Fertility and Sterility 1957;8:89-97.)

And even if you get pregnant.... Risk of miscarriage

30 or younger 5%

30-34 8%

35-39 16%

40-41 30%

42-43 40%

44-46 60%

(Reference: Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago)

Some other points:

'Infertile' does not mean that with some medical intervention (e.g. IVF) all will be well. It means no matter what is done they cannot get fertile.

Mothers with one child and unable to have a second child claim that the pain of not having the second child is as bad as having no child at all (see "Baby Hunger: The New Battle for Motherhood").

IVF makes virtually no difference (again see "Baby Hunger').

Follow the timescale

2 years to find the ideal man

2 years to enjoy the company of that man before committing to the toil of parenthood

1 year of trying

And one last figure:

"Incredibly, the majority of female graduates nearing 40 are childless. " (The Daily Mail: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-...high-flyer.html)

I hope I've scared you into a decision.

[bina]

at present moment both boy and girl are ok as far as i know. they are a week old, but hvent heard any kibbutz gossip yet. once they go in to the baby house in two/three months when she goes back to work, im sure i will hear it all: development, eating habits, etc, as the entire kibbutz is kind of watching these two.

we've had several sets of twins born here, we have two celiac kids both from 'delayed parentage' couples although it could also be genetic, some low birthweight babies (heavy smokers as teen and young adults), two cp children to same young mother- the list is endless, as we, like many kibbutzim, are used as bases for child development studies since we all get super health care, pre and post natal and pre and post birth, genetic screening is routine, and our follow ups are very well documented and our kids are even 'overtested' in my opinion;

the new set of twins were planned c section due to all the scary problems that arise with older mothers giving birth(same problems btw that mothers to be also have after a break of more then x amount of years between kids, like a second only child )... many of the 'disabilities' show up later; in my ex's family one couple did have a second 'only' child ten years after third child. the child eventually was diagnosed with a debilitating disease that apparently is age-of-parent related -- the baby girl died at age 3. they were even in some tv program about this syndrome she had, but both parents said that it was definately age related. also, the father also had diabetes (the older people's kind).not sure what that means for his sperm. however, older animals give birth regularly although there may be birth weight issues or failure to care issues. most large mammals dont have menopause as far as i know except for maybe the primates ? their oestrus and ovulation cycles are different from ours also as some mammals ovulate only during copulation like the alpaca or the cat, others stay in heat forever if not mated (ferrets for instance).

apart from the psychological readiness aspect, maybe the 'broody' aspect is hormonal related as seen with some goats adopting and stealing other dams' kids; some hens are 'broodier' then others. so maybe those of us that are less 'broody' are really not meant to be natural mothers. frankly, i never held or cuddled any baby till i had my own three. i always wanted puppies or foals. i wasnt broody about my kids either. they went with me whereever i went, but i didnt invest in them the same way many new age or parent magazine types seem to feel is best for kids. my m other always said i raised my kids like in primitive societies so it was good that they all had a nurturing extended family of motherly in laws ) .

by 'invest' i mean, i didnt sit and read to them, or play active games with them, but that when i went to feed the horses, the baby came with me, when i worked extra hours, the child came with me; when we were tired,, the child slept with me, when hungry, the child ate. i didnt stick to the kibbutz routines and norms for raising children either (the child is king in the israeli scheme of things). my son was raised his first year by problem teens along with my (now ex) as i was a house mother and lived with the kids in the same buiding . he didnt take too kindly to going back to kibbutz and the kibbutz children's house schedules. everyone on the kibbutz knows til this day that bina never ever worked or subsituted in the children's houses (even in my own kids' baby houses) unless it was nap time and i didnt like waking and dressing the kids in time to go home either. i like to work with individual interesting children, one on one. a main reason btw why i dont pursue the animal therappy route . i dont always have patience for all kids with problems. only some. i worked with quite a few in the petting zoo but only the ones that i had a 'chemical click' with.

totally off topic but sort of related i guess. i forgot to mention though that i 'ran' my own births, and breast fed right away, and did know instinctively whta to do with my babies. i felt very protective of them, but not all mothers do know how to be mothers instinctively, same as with dogs, goats or any other mammal. something to do with hormones plus learned behavior i guess.

well really off topic but i got interested and went off on a tangent as usual. i also dont really feel interest in other people's babies. wonder how i will feel when i have grandkids?

bina

israel

[sbk]

I don't think fear is a good reason to have a kid.

[BigSnake]

Twenty-four thur Thrity-one, now those little rascals are grown and GONE! Wife 60, I'm 62, peace and quite for years once in awhile a little from the grandkid that's about it, thank goodness.

[girlx]

i'm 33 and i have an utter lack of a biological clock- no interest in kids whatsoever.

[JimmyTheMook]

I had an Aunt who never had children and upon her death bed she said it was her greatest regret in life and she never felt fulfilled as woman w/o having given birth to a child.

But there are some interesting perspectives here

[eek]

I don't think fear is a good reason to have a kid.

Exactly.

Although I appreciate and was interested in the figures posted, the last comment was way out of order.

[MJo]

Ah, I hear this all the time. "Why don't you have kids?" "You should have kids" etc etc etc etc

<snip>

And it won't ever stop 'cos as soon as the first one pops it's head out it's "when are you having another one, you should have another one etc. etc."

How very true, ours is now two months old and all i hear is how many more and WHEN ?

Anyways, we got married last year in July, we both agreed that some point we do want kids but maybe it is not the right time yet. In our honeymoon right after the wedding we were discussing that let the nature decide and the kids will come sooner or later. Kind of thinking that maybe in a year or two we surely will have one. And what ya know, she was pregnant before we got back home from our one week honeymoon trip

First reactions were shock, panic, extreme happines followed by panic again when the shock wear off. But all in all just little adjustments needed for our life and having a child was a greatest thing ever happened to me. Wife now claims the same and to start with we both were not that much into kids. Only the thought that we could have one bit later. So i can understand someone deciding not to have kids and to regret it later on. However it is personal decision and if someone decides not to others should respect that.

And to the topic... we are early - mid 30's and still plan to have at least one more in next couple of years if any means possible.

Eek, reading your posts i think you are already half way down the road. Your going to get one sooner or later

[Akang]

Hey Ladies,

New to this forum and being pregnant is actually the reason why i was seeking some advice!

Me and my Thai husband live on one of the islands and Im 5 months on the way!

Although this was planned i recognize the panic feeling being washed over by happiness, so far easy pregnancy, beside horrible morningsickness first months no complains, although i wouldnt wanna say its great to be pregnant!

The Thai women around are delighted! Telling me what and what not to eat and making the most weird things for good luck and good health for the baby

Since we run a bussiness and are very bussy I decided to give birth here in Thailand, which partly freaks me out but just not enough time to go back to europe!

That they try to make u have a c section really bothers me a lot! But found a really good doc and that did ease my mind.

People have all these questions about what and how we' re gonna manage...we will, since i am pregnant i have a very confident feeling that everything will work out!

Never really wanted kids but when meeting hubs 5 years ago that slowly changed especially since he is so fond of kids and he's so good to me, enjoying my pregnancy even more then me!!!

[rixalex]

Hey Ladies,

New to this forum and being pregnant is actually the reason why i was seeking some advice!

Me and my Thai husband live on one of the islands and Im 5 months on the way!

Although this was planned i recognize the panic feeling being washed over by happiness, so far easy pregnancy, beside horrible morningsickness first months no complains, although i wouldnt wanna say its great to be pregnant!

The Thai women around are delighted! Telling me what and what not to eat and making the most weird things for good luck and good health for the baby

Since we run a bussiness and are very bussy I decided to give birth here in Thailand, which partly freaks me out but just not enough time to go back to europe!

That they try to make u have a c section really bothers me a lot! But found a really good doc and that did ease my mind.

People have all these questions about what and how we' re gonna manage...we will, since i am pregnant i have a very confident feeling that everything will work out!

Never really wanted kids but when meeting hubs 5 years ago that slowly changed especially since he is so fond of kids and he's so good to me, enjoying my pregnancy even more then me!!!

Akang!

And congratulations!

[eek]

Congratulations and welcome to ThaiVisa Akang.

[Amyji]

Neat story, Akang! Will you give birth in a city near your island or will you make the trip to Bangkok?

***

I had to reply to this topic, as I'm a mommy of a four year old boy (already?!?!)

I met my husband when I was 33. We were married when I was 34 and I fell pregnant several months later. My son, Aidan, arrived by the time I was 35. Golf, (my husband's nickname) is two years older than I am. This child of ours requires all our energy that would have probably been easier in our younger years.

I always wanted to have the experience of being a mother: the knowledge of what being pregnant is like and yeah, even giving birth. What is it like to breastfeed. For me it is a part of the human experience I wished to have along with many other pretty darn cool things I've seen and done in my life. I'm really happy about this decision and while any parent tells you it is not easy, I'd not change a thing.

One kid is enough for us, though. I think that if Golf and I found one another even five years earlier, maybe we'd consider another one but we're content with our only child. I'm turning 40 at the end of the year and cannot imagine having to deal with a tiny baby at that age. I don't know how women 40+ do it, but it is not for me.

Having one baby gives us almost the same freedoms as a childless couple. For example, we got to take our first trip back to Thailand last year for a big family visit. Let me tell you, the international airfare for a child is not cheap! If we had two or more children, the trip would have been prohibitively expensive. Figure in schooling costs and/or college, and it's astronomical. We'd like to live again in Thailand for a year or two to give Aidan his full Thai culture, and return often in the intervening years. I have a travel bug and a taste for adventure and having only one kid enables our family to still be able to take trips and have fun.

On a side note: My two closest girlfriends don't have kids and neither do my two siblings. Same with Golf and his family - of his large number of siblings, only one of them had a child and she was an only child. The family tree has shrunk considerably!

Anyway, interesting topic and I've enjoyed everyone's stories.

[WaiWai]

Have chosen against reproduction for a whole array of reasons. Many are very similar to "sbk"' 's . The world is already heavily over supplied with unwanted and abused/negelected kids

But also, it would be helpful to know some specifics about what the "unsteadiness" worrying you is. Can you advise?

[eek]

Not exactly "unsteady" WaiWai, i said i didnt feel my situation was "steady" enough. I think feeling ready to bring a child into this world, and how "steady" you feel, is subjective and personal to each individual.

But, my OP is actually intended to invite an open discussion. Inviting people to give their opinion, rather than particularly focusing on my own personal decision as to why im not quite ready to have a child at this time. If i wanted to discuss that, i would have posted my reasons why and/or asked for advice regarding it.

Just interested in viewpoints and experiences, whatever people wish to share.

..and has very interesting to read the different viewpoints and experiences so far! Thanks to all.

[Boo]

People have all these questions about what and how we' re gonna manage...we will, since i am pregnant i have a very confident feeling that everything will work out!

This is very true, you do find a way to cope & you do manage but also be conscious of yourself after the birth, PND can creep up & take over without you even noticing so if you feel out of sorts or overly weepy etc then ask for help. Also don't feel bad about telling people to get lost int he early days, it tends to be thai way to overload mum & baby with visitors, something I personally would hate, so think about how you want things to go in the early days & make sure your husband & friends are aware & ask them to act as a barrier to unwanted visits & against people barging in when baby & you are resting.

[mssabai]

To Gaccha - Your statistic were all very pretty, and it is a well known fact that BIOLOGICALLY the optimum age range to have a baby is in your teens, that won't be news to any of the women here. However that is only taking half of the story. Giving birth to a baby is a biological act, raising a child is a mental one. If a mother is not mentally ready or prepared to have a child (as most aren't in their teens) then it is quite possible that this will have a detrimental effect on the rest of the child's, and the mother's, life.

Most women I know give birth in their 30's, without any problems whatsoever.

The idea of a woman having a baby when she is not prepared purely due to the medical risks if she were to wait, is one that I belive would be extremely damaging to both mother and child.

To Eek - It's often joked about in our familythat I was born broody. I have always adored babies and children. I wanted to be a midwife from the age of 4. I am still ridicously gooey when I see children and I am now at an age when everyone says that I am getting clucky. But to be honest I don'tfeel much different about having children now as I did 5 years ago. I can't wait to have one, or several, but now is not the right time.

I am teaching now and being an unmarried mother at my school would not be welcomed. If they did allow me to continue, I would have to work full time until the birth and then would get 3 months leave and then be expected to be back at work. This would mean handing my baby over to the m-i-l, which I would not be overjoyed about for various reasons.

So ideally I would have a baby in the UK (and anyway, I couldn't imagine not having my mum at the birth), however we have visa issues for Mr Sabai to be resolved so until then we will remain childless and enjoy it!

One thing I have talked about with friends before and realised I am not alone in is that, having never before fallen pregnant, there is a small part of me that questions whether I can. I have always taken precautions, so that may sound illogical, but I think you ladies may understand where I am coming from.