Need Advice

[bina]

boo:

dont know probably different class/education; more educated, read more, learn more, ; less educated, read less, exposed less to 'new' ways of dealing.... you know, same way as child rearing: old fashioned ways vs. new methods, which people are exposed to thruough magazines, books, etc....

have had thai boyfriend previously when i was 18 yrs old in uni... only now do i realize that some of our problems were due also to the verly different ways we dealt with emotional and cognitive problems... of course personality also has to do with it but i've had relationships w/ men from different cultures and the cultural differences in dealing with anger/expressing problems verbally are usually more extreme than in other areas except for maybe childrearing>>> in looking at the gay forum most of the 'complaints' are about thai men not verbalizing what the problem is but stewing for a while than not dealing..... your husband sounds like he has learned (from u or reading or whatever) to verbalize and discuss more... and u have said yourself that u have learned not to 'rip' right into him but to give some time to think before speaking so u both have learned from eachother and met in the middle.....

as i've said, israelis are very very arguementative and emotional and the tones go up w/in two seconds so to learn to think first, yell later (or maybe not) is probably a good thing; and my friend has learned in the two and half years to speak his mind, even if it takes time to get there, to say, what the problem is and not just be 'jep jai' or 'mu huu'...

he said his wife used to run away to her mother often because of his silences which could last for days and he doesnt like women who cry either.... he is learning and improving....

maybe its also age; i'm older, and dont freak out when someone is angry or take it very personally, i'm sure of myself and realize that anger comes often from fear or uncertainity or 'testing the love' ....

cross cutural relationships are difficult, when combined w/socio/economic differences even more so, and one partner is living in the 'strange' land, he/she is in the 'weaker' position (no where to run to, maybe less friends from same culture to commiserate with, maybe young, etc etc)... i was married to an israeli for 17 yrs and the first few were definately a learning curve for both of us...

but then again, the guy in question could just be 'the wrong guy' regardless of culture....

hope this woman works it out with her husband

Edited March 11, 2005 by bina

[girlx]

thanks bina for the advice... very helpful. i am not israeli but i am also pretty hot headed and argumentative. your man sounds a lot like mine- i will try some of the same strategies you have for dealing with him (if he ever returns).

& vit i really was kidding- the last thing i need right now is another thai man! but perhaps in future i will take you up on the offer.

[girlx]

p.s. he came back... he was very apologetic and said he just needed to clear his head.

[meadish_sweetball]

p.s. he came back... he was very apologetic and said he just needed to clear his head.

The infamous book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" lists "female" and "male" approaches to problem solving. While I dont recognize myself in some of the characterizations of typical 'male' behaviour, there is one thing I think IS true for many men, and that is the need to think "in peace", without your partner being present. The "going inside one's cave" syndrome.

In my experience (humble, but still) it seems many women want to reason themselves to an outcome/compromise/solution "as they go along" in an argument, while many men want to take a time out themselves to "identify the problem" and then think up a "list of needs and wants" to present at the next occasion.

Many of the women I have been with try to send out subtle signals about what they need, and in some cases when I have missed those signals, I wasn't aware we had a problem until my partner came to discuss them with me.

This typically feels like a "Cato attack" (In the Pink Panther movies, Peter Sellers' Asian butler attacks him out of the blue for him not to lose his edge)... being caught unawares and forced to deal with a problem I hadnt known existed.

Now some people are very quick at adapting to situations such as these, but for me, I desperately need a time-out afterwards, and then to come back to discuss the same thing again when I have thought about it.

I would never leave without letting my woman know where I was going, but I do need the time to sort things out first. Your man seems to have the same need. Tell him to let you know where he goes next time he feels the need to take off, but respect his need for some privacy. I think you will find your discussions turn out a lot more constructive afterwards.

[bangkokian]

Try to get rid of all the veneer of exoticizations as soon as possible. The subtle ones are the ones are usually the ones are annoying parasites. Sometimes there's simply too much fanticizations and expectations in east-west relationships. We're no saviors, nor angels, we're all just human.

[meemiathai]

My advice is leave.

But the good thing if you stay is it makes you learn.

[Golf]

I am a Thai man married to my American wife. We have no problem at all. We always communicate to one another. I've never acted like a child to my wife and I always respect her opinions and/or comments. I don't know about your husband background info. I can only tell you that he's an immature, a selffish and heartless man. One is Thai cultures he're growing up with that do not teach him to be resposible, open-minded. The another part is himself. He might be spoiled by his parents and never be responsible for anything, thus, he doesn't know about causes and effects. He doesn't want to "talk things out" with you because he doesn't know how to deal with them and just want to get away from you, like a kid.

My advice: take care of yourself and leave him. He's worthless, period.

Golf

Edited March 29, 2005 by Golf