Good Mom/bad Dad=spoiled Kids

[jaideeguy]

I'm sure there are many of us falang men out there married to Thai women with Thai children facing the same delima as me. First off, the children were born by the Thai wife and we only adopt them. Then the lax, spoiling of the kids by the Thai mom who can't say NO. It then forces us falang fathers into the role of being the diciplinarian and having to say NO to all the impractical things that the children/moma want.

I see it as a loosing battle that only drives us falang fathers further away from our adopted kids.....Mom can do no wrong and lets the kids eat all the junk food they want, no restrictions on TV and computer games etc. and mom even does their homework for them.

What to do and not be the 'bad guy' with all the rules??

other's out there in the same situation??

[marshbags]

What you need to do for starters is try to get your wife to appreciate the good that comes out of changing their " bad " habits, otherwise I reckon your on a loose - loose situation and will be seen as the " bad farang "

It also depends on the childrens ages of course, the younger the better chance of success

It is not easy but if your wife appreciates your intentions and sees them as beneficial then go via her as much as you can and let her do the re educating.

Reason and understanding on every side of the equation is needed and most importantly your wifes support.

Remember it,s a 2 way / 3 way thing and you must all compromise to make it work fairly.

It will take time and cannot all be done overnight as the saying goes.

IMHO

Good luck with your family.

marshbags

Edited December 17, 2009 by marshbags

[PeaceBlondie]

You would have to change the wife away from Thai culture. Good luck.

[aitch52]

We were having trouble with my adopted son, running wild, cutting school, uncooperative, then at 13 decided he wanted to leave school. Obviously discussed all these issues with my wife, standard reply, "Up to him". So Ok we arranged for him to work with his uncle on the farm. He's pleasant most of the time, but when he acted up, oh boy. Anyway off he goes to work on the farm, a couple of months later he wants to return to school. His uncle was strict with him and maintained discipline and worked him hard.

I figure it was no use coming down hard on him so remained on sort of friendly terms, 3 months into his return to school he was still behaving the same. Then one day he hears his Mum crying and they sit down and discuss why she is upset, so she gave it to him straight.

Immediate change in his behaviour, 3 months later we go to the school parents day, the teacher cannot believe the change in the lad, attentive, helpful, does his work in class and homework. Long may it last, he is much more supportive of his Mum and he is no longer the absentee member of our family, he used to prefer sleeping at his grandmothers but now is around the place all the time helping out with chores etc.

I can relate to your problems Jaidee guy, every situation is different, my only real input was suggesting yes let him leave school and start working and being there for him and his Mum. Yep I wanted to give him a clip around the ear and ground him forever but that would have just inflamed a difficult situation. There is peace in our household now, that is all I am concerned about, I hope he goes on gets to Tech school and gets a trade, he's a bright kid just having problems with the raging hormones I guess.

Good luck to you mate

[jaideeguy]

Exactly PB!!! A near impossible task, and not only changing away from Thai culture, but another aspect is that my Thai wife [and most others, I'm sure] suffers from being neuvo[sp] rich in that she comes from a generation that never could afford Lays potato chips, meat,and all the extras we have had for decades in the world we came from. She can now spoil them even more and they think that all the goodies are bought/paid for by Mom because Papa says 'eat your vegetables'.

Children's ages are girl10, boy 12 and I've been Papa for 8.5 yrs.

after that long, I can't win, but maybe someone else in the same situation can share experiences.....

[jaideeguy]

Aitch, My kids are still kids and haven't yet gotten to the 'terrible teens' and therefore I want to try to head off the headaches that you are experiencing. I can empathise both with you and your adopted son, as I was a terrible teen as well and can blame my [strict] father as one of the causes of my rebellion.

It's a fine line being a good parent without being overly strict and agree that the wife has to support as well, but you know Thai wives........

[MikeyIdea]

It's always the same, if the mother and father doesn't agree on the parenting, then it more or less fails. You'll have to make the mother understand the value of discipline before you can succeed. That's linked to culture and tradition… Oh, boy

Still, make her understand why it is good for the child, then maybe. I can't achieve that with the biological mother

Edited December 17, 2009 by MikeyIdea

[lioness]

I am the Farang my husband Thai, we have recently been blessed with our 2nd Thai girl.

This latest one is only 6 years old, she didn't want to eat meals, she just wanted lays, or sugary snacks. My husband was buying these and she was filling up on them. If she wanted anything he would supply it just to keep her happy. Then the gardener got in on the act and even the housekeeper was buying sweets.

Promises of these treats would have good behavoir while they lasted. Young she might be but she knew how to get what she wanted, if she didn't get what she wanted we had bad behavoir

I was getting to the point where I had had enough so we had a family meeting, with the gardener and housekeeper present. I explained to them the importance of eating correctly, of course she wouldn't eat her meals because she was full of the rubbish they were supplying.

I had to explain the importance of nutrition for a growing healthy child. then went on to point out that she was only one member of the family and the rest of us didn't have to change our lifestyle so much as she had to learn to fit in with the family.

We are 2 months into this now she is eating well, even looks forward to her meals, she still has a problem sitting down to a meal, likes to wander around, play with the cat, the dog or whatever, but she is learning. She has gained (much needed) weight. She still gets the odd treat, but after a meal.

She recently went to her grandmothers for a weekend, the grandmother had stocked up on lays as she knew she wouldn't eat meals. Shock, the lays were hardly touched and she did eat proper meals.

If we have bad behavoir, then TV is cancelled for the evenig.

All I can say is that you need to sit down and explain things to your wife and try as best you can to get some understanding and come up with some guide lines. On the homework front, this little one has a cry every time she has homework because I won't do it for her and she doesn't want to do it herself. I have had to make a stand on this and fortunately have support in this area.

It's a frustrating situation but you need to start with your partner and try and get them to understand the issues and the consequences. Better to do this in a nice calm way, preferably when the childs at school. Once you achieve a united front you may be in with a chance. I do wish you the best of luck.

[jaideeguy]

I have had some success in insisting that our spoiled 10 yr old daughter eat her portion of vegetables before filling up on carbos [rice] and meat. Now I don't have to get too heavy....just remind her before she digs into meat.

This junk food thing is relatively new in Thai culture and they have easily fallen prey to shiney plastic and sweet packaged empty food and I can see my wife and others 'buying love' with junk food. Don't want to make it 'forbidden' or they will sneak out and gorge on it when they can.

They'll take a generation to learn the downside of processed foods and maybe return to the old style Thai deserts that come in banana leaves.

[cpofc]

Unfortunately you don't get issued with a manual when you have kids.

I have two. A step-daughter 100% Thai, now 34 years old, and a son, 22 years old.

My son was born and raised in Aust and the daughter went with us to Australia when she was 10.

Had problems with both of them, whilst the daughter was OK academically, my young bloke ran right off the rails.

My wife is 'old school' but even so, culturally, she let them use her and get away with murder.

Fortunately both of mine have come good and each have their own Thai Restaurants in Oz now. My son has had a complete turnaround and now realises his old man DID know what he was talking about.

You just do the best you can mate

My daughter never assimilated, nor integrated into Australian society, perhaps being the only (non english speaking) Asian at the school she attended in 86 was harder on her than I even realised.

She said something interesting to me a few years ago on one of her regualr visits back here. She said, 'Pa, do you know why rich thais send their kids to school in Australia?' (she knew and knows lots of them BTW)

'To get a farang education', I said, 'Why else?'

'No, not true', she informed me, 'To stop them running amok in Thailand!'

[marshbags]

Exactly PB!!! A near impossible task, and not only changing away from Thai culture, but another aspect is that my Thai wife [and most others, I'm sure] suffers from being neuvo[sp] rich in that she comes from a generation that never could afford Lays potato chips, meat,and all the extras we have had for decades in the world we came from. She can now spoil them even more and they think that all the goodies are bought/paid for by Mom because Papa says 'eat your vegetables'.

Children's ages are girl10, boy 12 and I've been Papa for 8.5 yrs.

after that long, I can't win, but maybe someone else in the same situation can share experiences.....

I purposely didn,t mention the very important point PB highlights.

Remember there are two cultures involved here and it is important to find a middle road bewteen them.

The most important thing is for the wife and yourself or whoever has this sort of problem, to have an understanding on what is important, find the middle road, be prepared to share and compromise and in your particular case if I can say it in a nice way, communicate via her as she has the most important role in this.

She needs to support you and back you up, otherwise it becomes very difficult indeed to achieve any meaningful results.

If you live in Thailand it becomes even more so and multiplies, of course.

IMHO

marshbags

[aussiebebe]

I have two step-kids as my Thai wife was married before we met. I think that the urge/need to create a blended family is quite Western and I've always taken the view 'when in Rome, do as the Romans' - thus my step-kids have almost always lived with their grandparents (my wife's parents) and visited on holidays and weekends. It's the Thai way, and it's not like their Dad has helped support his kids, let alone ever will mine.

Although the kids did stay with us early in our marriage, they simply wanted everything to be the Thai way - quite exploitative, I felt - and despite my early attempts to create a sense of stability and care (fully-furnished bedrooms with mod-cons, bi-lingual school education and family outings) my step-kids sense of normality was shattered. In truth, they would always rather have stayed with their grandparents in a heart-beat. Gradually, over time, they did, and presently do.

The grandparent's home is a stones-throw away from my wife's home where we live with our son and it's a good arrangement; it's my understanding that many Thai men would consider this arrangement to be acceptable and it's certainly worked out happily for our family. Obviously I didn't grow up dreaming of being a step-dad, but I don't feel guilty - it's a family, not a democracy - I pay the bills so what goes around comes around and I find that the language barrier keeps unpleasantness at a suitable distance.

I think my wife is fair, but her kids are far more productive and better behaved when they stay with their grandparents and go to Thai school.

[seaeagle]

Okay - 2 suggestions, but, admittedly, quite awkward to do if you've neither the financial means, or ability to 'temporarily' relocate to your own country.

1)

My wife is Thai, but she's had the benefit of living in Europe for 7 years. Through the health and behavioural education there, she became aware of proper parenting and nutrition. She carries out mothering now to a standard rarely seen in Thailand, I reckon. Strict on behaviour and strict on diet. It's me who is now saying that our daughter shoiuld be allowed the odd sweetie here and there!

So, can you go back to your home country for a couple of years, and expose the kids to a better regime?

2)

If you can, go to an International School. Ours was at a good school, but nevertheless, still a Thai Govt school. We then decided to move her to a true international school. Despite what I say above, behaviour and diet were influenced by what was allowed at this school. She's now back on the track we both want due to the more savvy approach at the better school.

So, can you afford to do either of these?

Good luck, anyway.

[gvallee2]

forcing him to be good against his will wont EVER work. he has to want to changeand for that you need to make his living condition a misery like those hes going to have in the future if he fails at everything.

Edited December 18, 2009 by gvallee2