The Short Diary Of An Englishman In Australia

[sipidan]

This totally cracked me up so much so, that I thought it worth sharing for those who can (a) relate and ( need a good laugh.

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25

This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuc_kin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hel_l! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuc_kin' Perth.

October 30th

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuc_kin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hel_l did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8

If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuc_kin' throttle him. fuc_kin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuc_kin' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuc_kin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuc_kin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10

Weather report! It might as well be a fuc_kin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuc_kin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuc_kin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this dam_n fuc_kin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuc_kin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hel_l-hole are the fuc_kin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuc_kers!

November 20th

Welcome to hel_l! It got to 45 fuc_kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fuc_ker. fuc_kin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuc_kin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuc_kin' kidding!