Ok, so I've given this one last shot and still nothing....??!! Basically he's told me he wants to be in a relationship with me. Ok then. So I invite him to go away with me. Just him and me and a hotel room all to ourselves. If it's privacy he needs then ok here we go. So he gets into bed, kisses me on the head and promptly announces he's tired and wants to go to sleep.

Yeah ok I get the message, he's not interested at all. Pity I had to waste a day of my life and $$ to find this out. Don't think I'll be bothering with Thai men anytime again soon.

ohhh dear....

oh dear, indeed, little muppet.

It seems as though you expected a man who seems to be serious about you to jump into bed with you. well, yes I suspect its probably best if you do stay away from Thai men, the cultural divide can be huge and when you don't really grasp the complexities it just leads to difficulties, confusion and hurt feelings.

Funny creatures, men.

And we remain fascinated by them.

Most men that i know - if it was offered to them on a plate they would jump at the chance.

In this case - she gave out all the hormones existant to the human body, plus the wee holiday, plus the big bed and all she gets is a kiss on the cheek.

I'd demand my money back.

Or maybe he is a "good boy" - like the men like to say "she is a good girl".

Edited November 29, 201015 yr by Patsycat

oh dear, indeed, little muppet.

It seems as though you expected a man who seems to be serious about you to jump into bed with you. well, yes I suspect its probably best if you do stay away from Thai men, the cultural divide can be huge and when you don't really grasp the complexities it just leads to difficulties, confusion and hurt feelings.

Yeah I know, after 3 months of dating, it probably was too rash of me to expect something to happen... God! I'm such a hussy...Not sure when the right time to jump into bed might be, after a couple of years of marriage maybe? Quite obviously I'm not ready for a 'serious' relationship...

You are in Thailand. You accept that things are done differently here or you stay away from Thai men, simple as that.

You are in Thailand. You accept that things are done differently here or you stay away from Thai men, simple as that.

I am not in Thailand, have never been there and he is in my country. At least last time I checked outside my window that was the case. Sorry if I'm not magically able to understand the 'complexities' of Thai culture from my limited interactions with one individual.

Ah ok, missed that, your extremely defensive comment gave me the impression you thought you were being judged, which is not the case. Just that if you are going to deal with a Thai then you have to understand they do not think the same way. And if you cannot take into account cultural differences and values then probably just best to stay away. No judgment intended and my apologies if you took it that way, just some friendly advice to save you a ton of hassle and stress.

<br>Ah ok, missed that, your extremely defensive comment gave me the impression you thought you were being judged, which is not the case. Just that if you are going to deal with a Thai then you have to understand they do not think the same way. And if you cannot take into account cultural differences and values then probably just best to stay away. No judgment intended and my apologies if you took it that way, just some friendly advice to save you a ton of hassle and stress.<br>

<br><br>Well yes i do feel like I am being judged. And for the record I have never had a relationship with a native of my own country so traversing cultural differences is not a new thing for me at all. I am frustrated by a lack of information about what specifically these cultural differences are.  90% of information I can find for intercultural relationships involving a thai person are for the thai female\european male scenario. But I'm led to believe that those particular rules don't necessarily apply when the thai person is male. I still don't understand or really have any idea whatsoever as to what the differences are since no-one has yet pointed them out to me. Even my conversations with him have led me to believe that it's not so very different from my expectations. I certainly did not get any hints about there being an extraordinarily long courtship or specific rules. He talks about people from his own country pretty much doing what people here do, find someone they like, date briefly then consummate. <br><br>In my own culture and any other culture I've dated within 3 months is an extremely long time to be dating someone with nothing happening. By that stage it is expected that some sort of move would be made. That's a reasonable expectation given my experience. The advice I received on this thread was that something might happen if I create circumstances conducive to privacy because of the PDA thing. Ok, did that. Still nothing. I think it's pretty reasonable for me to now give up on this situation unless some more information comes to light that would assist me in understanding the specific cultural expectations on his side which would cause reluctance. <br><br>Not one person has said here, well you know thai people do dating like this and this, and it usually takes this amount of time or specific circumstances before you should expect such and such. So  to have someone come along and just say to me, well you're doing it all wrong because you don't understand thai culture so suck it, seems kind of unhelpful to be honest. And also the reference about me wanting to just jump into bed with this holier than thou thai saint who's oh so serious while I'm a wanton slut really didn't help much either. It's not like this is date number 2 and I'm wondering why he doesn't want to do it in the backseat of my car.

<div><br></div><div>But for what it's worth, at least I got some entertainment writing this reply. </div>

Edited November 30, 201015 yr by ClaritySeeker

Ok, so I've given this one last shot and still nothing....??!! Basically he's told me he wants to be in a relationship with me. Ok then. So I invite him to go away with me. Just him and me and a hotel room all to ourselves. If it's privacy he needs then ok here we go. So he gets into bed, kisses me on the head and promptly announces he's tired and wants to go to sleep.

Yeah ok I get the message, he's not interested at all. Pity I had to waste a day of my life and $ to find this out. Don't think I'll be bothering with Thai men anytime again soon.

Wow, you're upset with him because he won't have sex with you? You can look at it another way--perhaps the guy is trying to demonstrate that he's respectful of you and not just interested in you to get his rocks off. Afterall, there are still many a "good" girls in Thailand who believe in saving their virginity until marriage. Say what you want about him, but he sounds like a pretty decent guy who doesn't want to take advantage of you. Not many guys like that left.

tbh, it sounds like he isn't sure what he wants, he is no doubt keen on you but maybe he has some issues with dating a foreigner (you). Could be his family might disapprove, could be has has a girl promised to him back home ( this is still quite normal in many families, esp the rich/influential kind). Could be he is worried about getting too involved if he is planning to return to Thailand soon.......so many variables to know for sure.

What is his background? What is he doing in your country & how does he support himself there? What do you know of his family? Has he ever mentioned having to return to them one day & be involved in family business? These are all questions worth finding the answers to imo as they may play some part in his actions.

That said, I would pull away a but anyway, if he does have issues then you might end up getting hurt when he runs back home to be with his childhood sweetheart (?) or he is just too indecisive about what he wants in his life by which case, are you prepared to waste your time waiting?

hmmm.. where to start...

The guy has what I consider completely normal behaviour for a thai guy, and many not so blunt guys in many other cultures, including (but rarely these days - aussies).

When sbk mentioned public displays of affection earlier, I think that also encompasses talking about intimate and relationship issues in a public setting. It has probably taken the guy ages to get up the courage to do the hand-holding bits as it completely goes against this culture here (although you weren't to know that at the time).

I have been with my husband over 3 years. it was a miracle we ever got together as he was thai and shy and I was clueless and didn't pick up on it for ages. in the end we got together as luck worked out and gave us moments together in secluded romantic locations.

This did not include paying upfront for a hotel room specifically to be in together. As an aussie girl I would have been freaked out by anyone that did that if you hadn't talked about doing that in the first place and were both ready and keen to do so. I therefore totally understand your guys response, as it seems he was more disappointed and uncomfortable as he had diferent expectations apart from sex. I think he wanted to talk and get to know you as opposed to get right into it straight away - not specific to thais (I would have thought common in lots of places), but very common here if you genuinely care about the other.

I think you should be honoured in hind-sight that he didn't jump into the down and dirty in the hotel room - a practice (especially in thialnd but also a lot of other places) that would often indicate he was just in it for the sex and you were just a gik (friend to have sex with as opposed to serious potential love).

If you go away together make sure you have seperate sleeping arrangements booked - this takes the pressure off as I agree with Berkshire that I think he is trying to be respectful to you but does like you.

I also think you have possibly misinterpreted your anger towards him as anger towards yourself for not understanding hiom or the situation, and that this anger stems from frustration on your part. All understandable. How you deal with it is what matters.

On your side is the fact you are female and men the world over do not understand a lot of what women do anyway, so will quite often let things go - evident from a conversation I had 2 days ago with friends of 7 nationalities, including thais of each sex, canadian, english, german, swedish, iranian and australian. So don't worry too muchabout any previous behaviour - he is still around, so he dealt with it ok - enough said.

If he hasn't asked you about visas and sponsoring you, you should competley forget this idea if you want to stay friends, as that would be a killer to any friendship in any culture in the long term.

Agree 100% with SBK about the "STOP THINKING" bit.

My husband says to me "you think to much!" at least once a day, and is convinced I am killing myself by worrying about what he sees as futile uneccessary things to even consider pondering.

Often he is right - although I do have valid reasons to be concerend and wanting to figure things out often.

I realise now he probably means you have to stop thinking about things to let your own mind percolate to proccess info subconciously, and then your instincts and the universe will work stuff out.

I have spent too much time and energy fighting issues and trying to figure out every angle from the word go - and it isn't efficent or beneficial in the long run.

Good news:

If you can deal with the issues in your own mind there may be a hope for you in this yet, as it seems you don't want to die wondering what would have happened.

He does seem genuinely interesed in you from a very respectful and caring position, which is a very rare thing to encounter, especially if you feel for him too.

If you are keen on understanding his cultural backdrop to all of this, perhaps look at reading a book (such as The Thai and I by Roger Welty?). You need take away the subtle stories and tips along the way - these are not checklist books with answers in list form like the west - impossible to be as are describing a minset completely ditsticnt from others, but well worth the effort, as by the end of reading you do understand a bti more, but can't point to the exact page that shows how you figured it all out (thats Thailand, but also a good book).

You also say no one has helped explain Thai dating... here is my take of the bits that might help you:

Thai friends I know would rather get to know others in an informal secluded but not insinuating situation, one where there is no pressure from others or each other. All the happy couples I know spent time getting to know each other first before things progressed, and when they did it was tentative until the boom moment (don't push the boom moment otherwise it will fizzle out before it gets going).

For many it would be the time after the more formal "date" that counted and led to the real development of things, the walk home that detours into much longer, cleaning up the dishes or something else after a big event is over and everyone else has gone and it is just the two left etc.

Not having come from a dating culture I naturally felt the same though, as the formal "date" parts are not easy to relax in as it appears people are playing roles and can be more like a job interview. Thais, in particular your fella, I think would want to get he formal parts right and do what they think they should be doing as opposed to what they want to do or say. Plan time for a short "fomral date" part and a longer "unscheduled and free after date" part.

Slow down, relax, maybe take a walk on an uncrowded beach (or somewhere else) together and talk, sit down somewhere nice if you see somewhere comfortable, watch the sunset, stars or something else in the distance together and see where things go that way. It won't happen instantly, but this time is where the real thing develops.

Good luck : )

Ah ok, missed that, your extremely defensive comment gave me the impression you thought you were being judged, which is not the case. Just that if you are going to deal with a Thai then you have to understand they do not think the same way. And if you cannot take into account cultural differences and values then probably just best to stay away. No judgment intended and my apologies if you took it that way, just some friendly advice to save you a ton of hassle and stress.

Saying this is all well and good, but could you also follow up, please, with WHAT is different and WHAT does the Thai man mean when he won't date/won't sleep with/won't or will etc., etc... (some of us living here in Thailand also want to know

Thanks

He is gay

Ah ok, missed that, your extremely defensive comment gave me the impression you thought you were being judged, which is not the case. Just that if you are going to deal with a Thai then you have to understand they do not think the same way. And if you cannot take into account cultural differences and values then probably just best to stay away. No judgment intended and my apologies if you took it that way, just some friendly advice to save you a ton of hassle and stress.

Saying this is all well and good, but could you also follow up, please, with WHAT is different and WHAT does the Thai man mean when he won't date/won't sleep with/won't or will etc., etc... (some of us living here in Thailand also want to know

Thanks

Well, just like Thai women, they are all exactly the same

Honestly, I don't how to say this without sound judgmental but if he is really interested and really respects you going to bed may not necessarily be the next step for him. Perhaps for him, he needs to be sure he's really serious before he goes that far. Not everyone has as an open attitude towards sex and it could just be that he's not ready. It depends on how culturally conservative he is and what kind of family he comes from. For many conservative girls and guys, pre-marital sex is just that, pre-marital and is expected to lead to marriage.

Or it could be he's not that into you and doesn't want to make a commitment to something further. Or maybe he's shy, or committed to someone else back home, or gay.

Actually these answers are really good and helpful. Thank you.

The mini-break, thing was his idea actually. I got a room with twin beds just in case he or I didn't feel comfortable. To be honest I thought it was weird to be sharing a hotel room with someone I've never even kissed but since he suggested it, I went along with it. I had hoped this meant it was going to happen but I didn't put any moves on him in case I was wrong. I am flying blind here.

Anyway, I've backed off now. I'm happy to just maintain the friendship and let things be as they are. Worse case scenario here is that I've got a nice friend. As for his background, he is from a good family, equivalent to upper middle income in the west I suppose. He's university educated.